Holiday Blues and random ramblings.

I feel so messed up. It's all just fucked up. Everything is just. I really really hate fucking life right now.

I was looking forward to my annual holiday. Rest and enjoyment. Its turned into a big deep pile of shit.

I think I'm becoming an alcoholic. I enjoy getting drunk at night way too much. No inclination to stop doing it despite knowing its wrong. Wonder how much more my stuffed liver can take. Must look up and see how painful liver failure is. Destruction of the working class hero, he imploded.

I fantasized about walking down to the ocean and just keep walking. I won't I'll look after my daughter. No intentional death.

Delusions and fantasies I wanted to live with got served to me with a big dose of reality yesterday. She's right, but she doesn't know how much it fucking hurt. Sometimes societal expectations suck. But its a world I am forced to live in. I have no choice but to live inside their rules. Trapped in their stupid game because I will be ruined if I don't play. A working class hero is something to be.

You have free will and free choice.
You can't do that!!!!

Be yourself.
No, not like that!!!!

Stop the world, I wanna get off. No more working class hero. But I have to.

Watching destruction from a distance. Forced to see it unfold. Able to help but stopped by society.

PTSD triggers today. Stupid things, dumb memories. Left to deal with it on my own. So much alone. I don't want to be alone. A working class hero is something to be.

They killed my wife, the 2 of them. Probably don't give a fuck. They get to go home to their comfortable lives. CAR5757 just experienced a sentinel event. Just a statistic, she was going to die anyway. Russian fuck can avoid me, if he stays in this city long enough I'll encounter him eventually. Probably won't be able to say anything though. A working class hero is something to be.

Once again I break. Broken and broken. I break until there are no more pieces to break, then they glue me together a bit so they can break me some more.

Maybe there is a god. If there is hes a sick fuck. Twisted and nasty. Ohhh I hope I get to see him. I will not be begging for forgiveness but demanding an apology.