How do I accept being alone

There has to be a way. I see all these people revelling in being alone. Why do I have so much trouble? It's happened a few times, fleeting moments where I have felt ok with it, but it doesn't last.
I've tried all sorts of things from drugs to affirmations. Nothing works.

MSM supplement

So, in my quest to find a way to deal with my rheumatoid arthritis I took MSM supplement. I have to admit, my joints have improved. But after almost a week a massive headache has set in. I looked online and there are so many people with headaches from it. And now it looks like I have a few days off it before it passes.

Sigh.

I'm trying

Look. I'm trying, ok? I know depressed is not good. I know 2 years of depression is bad. Very, very bad.
I don't want to be like this, I'm trying to climb out of the black hole..... Just can't seem to shake it off.
Still the thoughts remain. I don't want to be here.

Something is wrong

Something is wrong with our world.

"According to the Mental Health Foundation one in six New Zealanders will experience a depressive disorder and the World Health Organisation estimates that by the year 2020 depression will be the second most common cause of ill health and premature death worldwide."

Blood

When my wife's tumor fungated we found ourselves dealing with a lot of blood. It would bleed at inopportune moments, not that there is a good time to bleed. After she died it took months to get all the blood out of the house. Parts of the bathroom I actually had to remove before it was gone.
When I come under too much stress I start to bleed out of my nose. It's been a couple of years since I had a bad one. But tonight it really opened up. It took some time in the bathroom waiting for it to stop. Then I had to clean it up. Half of the clean up was automatic. I have cleaned up so much blood. But it took me back to some dark times.
.
This time I'm doing it alone.

St Johns wort update

Nightmares have started already after only one night of taking st John's wort. I still feel so low.

St John's wort

I started taking st John's wort again. I stopped because it was giving me terrible nightmares. Right now I'm thinking the nightmares would be better than the depression.

Oh to park my car up, run a hose into it from the exhaust and drift off to sleep and never wake up again. A forever rest. Bliss.

Shit on top of shit on top of shit

So, I've been staying away from here, complaining didn't seem to be helping. I dont know.
Anyways, it's tax time. Somehow despite earning even less I have to pay more.  I don't know where the money will come from.
I get a letter from Work and income. I have to prove my daughter still needs her disability payments or they are gonna cut it off. Here's hoping I get someone nice or I'm out of pocket there too.
My not girlfriend is too busy with her life so I don't see much of her, every 2 to 4 weeks for one evening if I'm lucky.

Life is a big ball of shit still. I seriously don't want to be here. Oh and my reason for being. My daughter is going through a defiant stage where she hates helping at all and generally spends her time hating me.

Saving others when I couldn't save her. A bitter pill.

I heard back from the person who's husband was stage IV cancer. I spent time with them and explained all of my research and they decided to follow it. 6 months have passed and hes doing well. His tumors are shrinking. Slowly, but they are shrinking. It would have worked on my wife too. I know it.

I am a good person. I help others. So often I help others, yet the world constantly works against me. It shoves me down over and over and over. Its getting to the point where I don't want to stand up again.

Karma is bullshit. Good does not return good.

My wish

My wish is not for fame, it's not to be recognized as furthering humanity or leaving a lasting legacy.

It used to be but not now. Not anymore.

My wish is to live a quiet nothing life. I want to be comfortable. I don't need the lastest car, I don't need a mansion. I just want to live a quiet life away from stress.

It seems that is not to be :(

Fear of Death.

All these people desperate to live. Why? Do you all fear death? From the Christians to the Atheists and all in between. Fascinating that you do when you consider that the atheists think that when you die, then nothing. The Christians think they will have eternal salvation in heaven. So why the need to live for as long as you can.

I have made peace with my death. 7 years, when my daughter is old enough to no longer need me. My body is deteriorating, the pain is creeping in a lot more now. I'll be in a wheelchair eventually, its coming.
She is the last promise I need to fulfil and then I can go.

I am not fearing death, I welcome and embrace it. A final rest.

Friday night

I used to love Friday night. I would sit down with my wife and spend the evening watching TV. I know it doesn't sound exciting but I loved those nights. No work. I always put it aside. Just time together.

My not girlfriend said she was coming tonight. But then she couldn't. Again. She can't come a lot after saying she is coming.

Women are confusing. I don't understand them.

I need to learn to be alone. I'm working on it. Still got a way to go.

One less reason to be here I guess.

Relay 4 Life :(

I, fucking, loathe, relay, 4, life!!!!


What a fucking crock!!!!! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!!! I walked 15km for relay for life!!!!
Whoopdy fucking shit. You walked circles to make yourself feel better. If you want to make a difference find someone with cancer, go do their housework or gardening, cook a meal, look after their kids for a bit, or even sit with them and keep them company. Not walk around a fucking track you stupid twat! You aren't helping. "oh I'm raising money for cancer" I hear them say. No. You are raising money to pay a bunch of executives their salaries.

Nooo you say, its going to research. 10%, 10% goes to research, which is given primarily to the large pharmaceutical companies who don't really need it in the first place. Its a token payment so they look good.

Seriously, go help people with cancer not the big so called charities.

I give up

This whole wanting someone to stop the loneliness.

Its not going to happen. Women have become too complicated.

If you are an asshole then you are a bad person
If you are a nice guy you are trying to trap them and so just as bad if not worse than an asshole.

If you don't show emotion then you are bad for being distant.
If you show emotion then you are reveling in being a victim.


I give. OK? You all win. Alone is easier.

Teeth

My teeth are stuffed. A lot have fallen out the remaining ones are not good. To get it fixed I have to put my life in the hands of the people who killed my wife. And go into more debt. And endure more pain.

One of my teeth has become sensitive to hot and cold. I'm hoping it will come right. Brushing with sensodyne toothpaste. I suspect it's not going to. But still wishing it will.

I hate my life. I want to die.

Just all around shitty

So after a depression filled weekend and a depression filled week I have a shitty difficult afternoon at work, then my daughter wrecks her mouse doing what I told her not to do and when I'm explaining it to my not girlfriend she basically tells me I'm a shitty parent.

Fuck the world. I don't want to be here any more.

Insomnia and nightmares

I don't know what's worse, awake from 3am for a few hours worrying about my job and money or the brutal nightmare I had when I finally fell asleep.

My life has no meaning, no purpose apart from my daughter. If she wasn't on the scene I could end it.

Stupid day

Today I had to go to my not girlfriends place to stand there so a builder would stop being a twat. It stresses me out being in those situations. Once I got back I decided to have lunch and calm down ready for work. As I sat and ate I looked in Facebook only to find it had been one year since I met with the hospital over them killing my wife.

Hard stressful day.

My body is braking down. It hurts and fails in so many way.

Sick of it all.

Alone again... Naturally.

I want someone to hold.

My not girlfriend is busy with a project, I was going to take the day off tomorrow and visit but she's made it clear she's busy working on her project and she has friends coming.
She told me really late afternoon was possibly ok but I knew she didn't want me there.
Maybe briefly on Saturday as she passes through she thinks.

I'm sick, my body is also causing me a lot of pain. I thought of my daughter sleeping in her bed. Reminded myself that was why I was staying alive.
Pity. Tonight feels like a good night to die.

Too tired too much

I'm so tired from my daughter's last nights sickness and from my own.

I'm crashing. I can feel it. Don't know how to stop it. Gotta carry on. Don't want to.

I hate my life. I hate the loneliness, I hate the fatigue, I hate the constant pain, I hate the depression.

I hope it ends soon.

A legacy

"I want a baby" says my wife. "I want to leave a legacy behind", she says.
So here I am 5am on the first night I have been able to sleep in 5 days due to my own illness changing sheets after laying baking soda on the legacy's mattress. Hopefully that's going to be it. Poo is only slightly better than vomit.
I'm so tired. I'll try and get up at 6am to put her sheets in the dryer just in case we need another change.
The universe finds new ways to break me. I'm so so tired.

Flashbacks

I posted this on Facebook. I should probably delete it.

I don't often talk about this openly. But I had a bit of a flashback tonight after reading a letter to the editor about violence in the hospital.

I remember the night the surgeon made the call to let polli die. He starved and dehydrated her for 2 days while a violent infection raged in her body. Making her nill by mouth and then cancelling the surgery because she was too weak. Terminal patients are second class in the hospital system.

I remember the nurse on duty coming in to break the news to us. I was exhausted. My blood pressure was so high my nose was bleeding every day. I just sat down. Defeated.

But I remember the nurse looking at me, I think she was almost crying. I remember she said to me, "I don't know how you are doing it. If it was me I would be chucking furniture around the room".

Dear facebookians I did something that I'm not proud of. I settled polli for an hour or so. And then I walked out of the hospital for the night. I should have stayed with her. But that was the one time in all that saga where I was quietly restraining massive anger. I had to leave her there on her own. Because one wrong word from anyone and I would have erupted. Polli knew why I needed to go and she understood. She still believed at the time she could win.

Sometimes our memories are not so kind. Sometimes small things take us right back to them.

Been a hard night tonight. I know you all only want to hear the good things in my life. I get reminded of that. Sorry for this post and sorry for failing you Polli. I paid the ultimate price and so did you.

I need to sleep. Maybe I can get some escape in there.

Overloaded

I'm tired. My chronic fatigue is hitting. Over stressed from work. And depressed.  Headaches are getting nasty. Back is not improving.

So lonely.

Valentine's day

I miss having someone to make a fuss over on Valentine's. She would tell me it was crass commercialism but loved the flowers and dinner all the same.

My not girlfriends friends

I don't know what they have against me. They haven't even met me in person. But every time they get together they niggle and needle till she comes out wondering if I am a terrible thing to be around.


Maybe I am. :( Maybe I deserve nothing more than to be alone. Couldn't even save my wife when it came down to the wire.

Stupid, I'm stupid, and ugly and a dick.

Maybe I should be alone.

Overloaded

Its the busiest time of year for me, 2 weeks of insanity while a lot of people clamour for my time all expecting their thing to be more important than everyone else.

It shows me I can't work full time. I wonder if they new it wipes me out if they would have more sympaty. Probably not, they would still want their stuff done first.

Birthdays

Well, here it is. My birthday. Might try and drag my daughter off her pc and go to lunch.

My not girlfriend contacted me last night to remind me I should be finding someone else.

Lifes a bunch of suck sometimes.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday my wife.

You are free now, no more pain, no more suffering, no more hurt.

I'm jealous. I don't want to be here.

I hate the fatigue, I hate the constant pain, I hate the depression. I don't want any of it. A promise is a promise. I'm here to look after my daughter.



I wish I could go somewhere and hide for the day. But I have to work. Somehow.

Down

My body hates me. I have rheumatoid arthritis. I live in pain and slowly it's getting worse. I have other medical issues that causes more pain.

I can't work full time. I'm not bringing in enough money.

I'm depressed.

I'm lonely so much.

I'm a nice person. I'm one of the good guys. So why do so many shitty things happen to me?

Can I leave now? I want to. But I have to look after my daughter.

2am. I better sleep.

PTSD triggers

Was reminded of a terrible medical oncologist today. Instant trigger into depression. I was already bordering there but keeping on the upside mainly.

Will I ever get to the point where those memories won't send me spiraling.

Heat, fatigue and depression

Its summer, Its hot, real hot. I'm not getting a lot of sleep.


I have been down for so many days on end. Normally with depression you can manage to pop your head up and take a breath. This time I can't shake it. Not reaching out this time. No point, asking for help just gets me shot down and people distance themselves from me even further.

Rules when you are a guy

1. No one wants to know when you are in pain.

2. No one wants to know when you are depressed

3. If anyone tells you they care then re read rules 1 and 2.

Xmas - new year holiday

It's been lonely. I can see why suicide stats go up this time of year.

I don't want to be here.

Empty chairs at empty tables

I miss looking over and seeing her there. 

Empty chairs at empty tables

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3DNaw2-hLg

You know things are messed up when........

You know things are messed up when your experiences are used in training manuals on what not to do.

I hate xmas

Here it is, it's Xmas. Bahh humbug. The family bullshit has already started. Trying to make me go to places I'm not going to. Now they are bringing my daughter into it saying it not fair on her. I stopped all the shit because that wasn't fair on her. Now she has a quiet pleasent day.

The animals are walking through the gardens. They are wrecking them.

Several schools didn't pay their bill which means they won't pay me till February. D

And I'm alone in my bed. :(

Stupid idea Xmas.

The awesome garden I made. And hate

So a few months ago I got stuck in and fixed the courtyard up. It went so well. I got it just how my late wife would have liked it. She would have loved it. Many afternoons would have been spent drinking cups of tea with her friends in it.

It makes me feel guilty, I didn't achieve it when she was alive.

I hate sitting out there feeling the guilt.  And alone.

Remember this

No one wants to know when you are sad or down.
No one wants to know when you are sad or down.

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

Keep it to yourself.

Not quite right but still fitting. Don't let it show.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCFqLPwEDU4

Tired and cant sleep

I'm exhausted. Running on way too little sleep.

Feeling low today. Think something is out of balance hormonally. Miss having someone here with me during those times.

My daughter leaves for a holiday in 2 days. She will be gone for a week. She's a pain in the ass but she gives me a purpose. Gonna be a hard week.

Sighs.

Low. Again

I hate being alone.

*Drops mic. Walks off.

Nightmares

It's been over a year. When will the nightmares stop?

On the upside at least I get to see my wife in them sometimes.

I dont want to be here anymore

If I didn't have a daughter to look after I would be free of this world.

Free from the pain.
Free from the fatigue
Free from the loneliness
Free from the stress

Eternal sleep.

But tomorrow I shall drag myself out of bed and go to my drugery of work and life.

Not working today

I give. I'm not working today. Stress and overdoing it has all come to a head.

I'm tired and I'm in pain. I just can't do it.

But I need to. I'm so short of money.

I don't know. I just don't know.

Need to win the lottery.

Update:

I didn't win the lottery.

I dragged myself into the world and did a couple of hrs work.

The muscle in my calf tore. I'm in more pain now.

It's making me even more depressed and lonely.

Too much today.

I've been working myself too hard helping my not girlfriend with a big project. I have been in pain for 3 days straight. Stupid rheumatoid arthritis.

That and a reminder that it's been 1year and 8 weeks since I lost my wife.

My daughter is refusing to help around the house and I'm too tired to fight.

A day at the pool. It's so loud and hot in there.

Stress about money

It's too much. I'm feeling down. And alone.

I miss her so much right now.

I asked for help. The opposite happened

So last night I asked the universe if I could have some good come my way.

I had a terrible nightmare.

My wife was in the hospital but I couldn't find her. Everything was changed around.

I managed to find a nurse who was one of the ones looking after her. She said they we're operating on her. I said they weren't. And they weren't going to. A part of me was reminding myself she was already dead.

I knew she was in distress and I wanted to get to her. Help her, but I couldn't.

I woke up with my body in shock. It was shaking.

Then this morning I backed into another car. The other car is ok. Mine is damaged. Probably hundreds. And my money is so low.

If you won't help me universe can I have a quick painless but dignified end instead?

I'm so low. I'm so alone. I don't want to do life anymore.

PTSD Inducing dreams

Spent the night trying to find my wife in the hospital, but I was lost. It had changed. Then spotted her nurses. They were telling me she had been operated on. I was trying to say she hadn't and she was going to die because they didn't and they wouldn't and it was going to kill her.

They had her in the wrong area, and I couldn't get to her. I knew she would be stressing but I couldn't be there for her.

I woke up shaking. Upset.


FML.

So low today

I'm feeling so down today.

I drove past the turn off to go to the place I will suicide if I ever go through with it. The temptation was stronger than it should have been. Luckily I don't have the hoses in my car to do it.

I haven't felt this low in months. I'm sitting here in a carpark. I want to cry for no reason.

Life is shit. I feel alone and stressed over money. I don't want to live anymore. There's no one to reach out to. Just gotta bottle it up and pretend it's fine.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone.

I had the shits a few nights ago and I stopped it with a single codiene. I wonder if that's causing the depression.

Who knows.

Not the worst day ever. Just a plain bad day

So things went wrong all day.

The server I was trying to repair after 10hrs I had to give in. It's not worth repairing.

My not girlfriend who was coming for the afternoon and night had to make it the afternoon and evening. Then just the evening and in the end she had to give it a miss. Maybe tomorrow.

Then I ate dinner. My IBS is giving me a hard time and I spent over an hour in the toilet. I had a shower, got half way and had to get out and go back to the toilet.

I took codiene in the hope it will block me up. It's helping but I still feel uncomfortable.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Next day update. She ate food she knew didn't agree with her so she's not coming again. And she's tied up all weekend.

I'm feeling a bit low right now.

Lessons and learning

Most of the time learning things is good. We learn to walk. We learn the feel of sunlight. We learn to play. We learn to drive.

Then there are other lessons. Sitting in Subway on Sunday my daughter  learned what a seizure looked like when someone collapsed. She learned how long it feels waiting the agonizing few minutes for an ambulance to arrive.

Life is full of lessons we don't want to learn. What it's like to watch helplessly as your partner slips away. What's a sentinal event is. Just how much blood pumps out of the body after a head is ripped off. How trust can be broken by those you should be able to trust.

I guess we must learn the good lessons and the bad ones. But there are some lessons I sure would rather have never learned.

I hope life has more nice lessons than bad ones for you all. I guess that's the most any of us can hope for.

Some days are just hard.

Had someone ask how I lost my wife, so I told them.

Bumped into the midwife who was there at the birth of my daughter. She wanted to know how I was doing without my wife.

At the pool with the homeschoolers. people asking how I was getting on without my wife.

Sometimes it wears me down.

I'm at home alone with my daughter having a sleep over.


I feel so alone tonight. I need to go to bed. I'm exhausted. I don't want to. Theres nothing there but emptiness.

Just have to. Shower and bed. I hate being alone in that bed.


Gotta do it.