My wish is not for fame, it's not to be recognized as furthering humanity or leaving a lasting legacy.
It used to be but not now. Not anymore.
My wish is to live a quiet nothing life. I want to be comfortable. I don't need the lastest car, I don't need a mansion. I just want to live a quiet life away from stress.
It seems that is not to be :(
I used to love Friday night. I would sit down with my wife and spend the evening watching TV. I know it doesn't sound exciting but I loved those nights. No work. I always put it aside. Just time together.
My not girlfriend said she was coming tonight. But then she couldn't. Again. She can't come a lot after saying she is coming.
Women are confusing. I don't understand them.
I need to learn to be alone. I'm working on it. Still got a way to go.
One less reason to be here I guess.
My teeth are stuffed. A lot have fallen out the remaining ones are not good. To get it fixed I have to put my life in the hands of the people who killed my wife. And go into more debt. And endure more pain.
One of my teeth has become sensitive to hot and cold. I'm hoping it will come right. Brushing with sensodyne toothpaste. I suspect it's not going to. But still wishing it will.
I hate my life. I want to die.
So after a depression filled weekend and a depression filled week I have a shitty difficult afternoon at work, then my daughter wrecks her mouse doing what I told her not to do and when I'm explaining it to my not girlfriend she basically tells me I'm a shitty parent.
Fuck the world. I don't want to be here any more.
I don't know what's worse, awake from 3am for a few hours worrying about my job and money or the brutal nightmare I had when I finally fell asleep.
My life has no meaning, no purpose apart from my daughter. If she wasn't on the scene I could end it.
Today I had to go to my not girlfriends place to stand there so a builder would stop being a twat. It stresses me out being in those situations. Once I got back I decided to have lunch and calm down ready for work. As I sat and ate I looked in Facebook only to find it had been one year since I met with the hospital over them killing my wife.
Hard stressful day.
My body is braking down. It hurts and fails in so many way.
Sick of it all.
I want someone to hold.
My not girlfriend is busy with a project, I was going to take the day off tomorrow and visit but she's made it clear she's busy working on her project and she has friends coming.
She told me really late afternoon was possibly ok but I knew she didn't want me there.
Maybe briefly on Saturday as she passes through she thinks.
I'm sick, my body is also causing me a lot of pain. I thought of my daughter sleeping in her bed. Reminded myself that was why I was staying alive.
Pity. Tonight feels like a good night to die.
I'm so tired from my daughter's last nights sickness and from my own.
I'm crashing. I can feel it. Don't know how to stop it. Gotta carry on. Don't want to.
I hate my life. I hate the loneliness, I hate the fatigue, I hate the constant pain, I hate the depression.
I hope it ends soon.
"I want a baby" says my wife. "I want to leave a legacy behind", she says.
So here I am 5am on the first night I have been able to sleep in 5 days due to my own illness changing sheets after laying baking soda on the legacy's mattress. Hopefully that's going to be it. Poo is only slightly better than vomit.
I'm so tired. I'll try and get up at 6am to put her sheets in the dryer just in case we need another change.
The universe finds new ways to break me. I'm so so tired.
I posted this on Facebook. I should probably delete it.
I don't often talk about this openly. But I had a bit of a flashback tonight after reading a letter to the editor about violence in the hospital.
I remember the night the surgeon made the call to let polli die. He starved and dehydrated her for 2 days while a violent infection raged in her body. Making her nill by mouth and then cancelling the surgery because she was too weak. Terminal patients are second class in the hospital system.
I remember the nurse on duty coming in to break the news to us. I was exhausted. My blood pressure was so high my nose was bleeding every day. I just sat down. Defeated.
But I remember the nurse looking at me, I think she was almost crying. I remember she said to me, "I don't know how you are doing it. If it was me I would be chucking furniture around the room".
Dear facebookians I did something that I'm not proud of. I settled polli for an hour or so. And then I walked out of the hospital for the night. I should have stayed with her. But that was the one time in all that saga where I was quietly restraining massive anger. I had to leave her there on her own. Because one wrong word from anyone and I would have erupted. Polli knew why I needed to go and she understood. She still believed at the time she could win.
Sometimes our memories are not so kind. Sometimes small things take us right back to them.
Been a hard night tonight. I know you all only want to hear the good things in my life. I get reminded of that. Sorry for this post and sorry for failing you Polli. I paid the ultimate price and so did you.
I need to sleep. Maybe I can get some escape in there.
I'm tired. My chronic fatigue is hitting. Over stressed from work. And depressed. Headaches are getting nasty. Back is not improving.
So lonely.
I miss having someone to make a fuss over on Valentine's. She would tell me it was crass commercialism but loved the flowers and dinner all the same.
Well, here it is. My birthday. Might try and drag my daughter off her pc and go to lunch.
My not girlfriend contacted me last night to remind me I should be finding someone else.
Lifes a bunch of suck sometimes.
My body hates me. I have rheumatoid arthritis. I live in pain and slowly it's getting worse. I have other medical issues that causes more pain.
I can't work full time. I'm not bringing in enough money.
I'm depressed.
I'm lonely so much.
I'm a nice person. I'm one of the good guys. So why do so many shitty things happen to me?
Can I leave now? I want to. But I have to look after my daughter.
2am. I better sleep.
Was reminded of a terrible medical oncologist today. Instant trigger into depression. I was already bordering there but keeping on the upside mainly.
Will I ever get to the point where those memories won't send me spiraling.
1. No one wants to know when you are in pain.
2. No one wants to know when you are depressed
3. If anyone tells you they care then re read rules 1 and 2.
It's been lonely. I can see why suicide stats go up this time of year.
I don't want to be here.
Here it is, it's Xmas. Bahh humbug. The family bullshit has already started. Trying to make me go to places I'm not going to. Now they are bringing my daughter into it saying it not fair on her. I stopped all the shit because that wasn't fair on her. Now she has a quiet pleasent day.
The animals are walking through the gardens. They are wrecking them.
Several schools didn't pay their bill which means they won't pay me till February. D
And I'm alone in my bed. :(
Stupid idea Xmas.
So a few months ago I got stuck in and fixed the courtyard up. It went so well. I got it just how my late wife would have liked it. She would have loved it. Many afternoons would have been spent drinking cups of tea with her friends in it.
It makes me feel guilty, I didn't achieve it when she was alive.
I hate sitting out there feeling the guilt. And alone.
I'm exhausted. Running on way too little sleep.
Feeling low today. Think something is out of balance hormonally. Miss having someone here with me during those times.
My daughter leaves for a holiday in 2 days. She will be gone for a week. She's a pain in the ass but she gives me a purpose. Gonna be a hard week.
Sighs.
It's been over a year. When will the nightmares stop?
On the upside at least I get to see my wife in them sometimes.
If I didn't have a daughter to look after I would be free of this world.
Free from the pain.
Free from the fatigue
Free from the loneliness
Free from the stress
Eternal sleep.
But tomorrow I shall drag myself out of bed and go to my drugery of work and life.
I give. I'm not working today. Stress and overdoing it has all come to a head.
I'm tired and I'm in pain. I just can't do it.
But I need to. I'm so short of money.
I don't know. I just don't know.
Need to win the lottery.
Update:
I didn't win the lottery.
I dragged myself into the world and did a couple of hrs work.
The muscle in my calf tore. I'm in more pain now.
It's making me even more depressed and lonely.
I've been working myself too hard helping my not girlfriend with a big project. I have been in pain for 3 days straight. Stupid rheumatoid arthritis.
That and a reminder that it's been 1year and 8 weeks since I lost my wife.
My daughter is refusing to help around the house and I'm too tired to fight.
A day at the pool. It's so loud and hot in there.
Stress about money
It's too much. I'm feeling down. And alone.
I miss her so much right now.
So last night I asked the universe if I could have some good come my way.
I had a terrible nightmare.
My wife was in the hospital but I couldn't find her. Everything was changed around.
I managed to find a nurse who was one of the ones looking after her. She said they we're operating on her. I said they weren't. And they weren't going to. A part of me was reminding myself she was already dead.
I knew she was in distress and I wanted to get to her. Help her, but I couldn't.
I woke up with my body in shock. It was shaking.
Then this morning I backed into another car. The other car is ok. Mine is damaged. Probably hundreds. And my money is so low.
If you won't help me universe can I have a quick painless but dignified end instead?
I'm so low. I'm so alone. I don't want to do life anymore.
I'm feeling so down today.
I drove past the turn off to go to the place I will suicide if I ever go through with it. The temptation was stronger than it should have been. Luckily I don't have the hoses in my car to do it.
I haven't felt this low in months. I'm sitting here in a carpark. I want to cry for no reason.
Life is shit. I feel alone and stressed over money. I don't want to live anymore. There's no one to reach out to. Just gotta bottle it up and pretend it's fine.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone.
I had the shits a few nights ago and I stopped it with a single codiene. I wonder if that's causing the depression.
Who knows.
So things went wrong all day.
The server I was trying to repair after 10hrs I had to give in. It's not worth repairing.
My not girlfriend who was coming for the afternoon and night had to make it the afternoon and evening. Then just the evening and in the end she had to give it a miss. Maybe tomorrow.
Then I ate dinner. My IBS is giving me a hard time and I spent over an hour in the toilet. I had a shower, got half way and had to get out and go back to the toilet.
I took codiene in the hope it will block me up. It's helping but I still feel uncomfortable.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Next day update. She ate food she knew didn't agree with her so she's not coming again. And she's tied up all weekend.
I'm feeling a bit low right now.
Most of the time learning things is good. We learn to walk. We learn the feel of sunlight. We learn to play. We learn to drive.
Then there are other lessons. Sitting in Subway on Sunday my daughter learned what a seizure looked like when someone collapsed. She learned how long it feels waiting the agonizing few minutes for an ambulance to arrive.
Life is full of lessons we don't want to learn. What it's like to watch helplessly as your partner slips away. What's a sentinal event is. Just how much blood pumps out of the body after a head is ripped off. How trust can be broken by those you should be able to trust.
I guess we must learn the good lessons and the bad ones. But there are some lessons I sure would rather have never learned.
I hope life has more nice lessons than bad ones for you all. I guess that's the most any of us can hope for.
I have an abcess. It's poisoning my blood. Weakening me. Now I also have the flu. Making it doubly worse.
Then my PTSD gets triggered.
Life is so cruel. Why. Why must I face this over and over?
I thought I was adjusting to this feeling of being alone. Right now it's hurting. Hurting a lot.
I'm a good person. I help so many others in need. Why does all this shit have to get thrown at me. And why must I do it alone?
When do I stop being triggered? Talked about having to write the letter to the hospital tonight.
Now I feel like shit and alone.