Alone again... Naturally.

I want someone to hold.

My not girlfriend is busy with a project, I was going to take the day off tomorrow and visit but she's made it clear she's busy working on her project and she has friends coming.
She told me really late afternoon was possibly ok but I knew she didn't want me there.
Maybe briefly on Saturday as she passes through she thinks.

I'm sick, my body is also causing me a lot of pain. I thought of my daughter sleeping in her bed. Reminded myself that was why I was staying alive.
Pity. Tonight feels like a good night to die.

Too tired too much

I'm so tired from my daughter's last nights sickness and from my own.

I'm crashing. I can feel it. Don't know how to stop it. Gotta carry on. Don't want to.

I hate my life. I hate the loneliness, I hate the fatigue, I hate the constant pain, I hate the depression.

I hope it ends soon.

A legacy

"I want a baby" says my wife. "I want to leave a legacy behind", she says.
So here I am 5am on the first night I have been able to sleep in 5 days due to my own illness changing sheets after laying baking soda on the legacy's mattress. Hopefully that's going to be it. Poo is only slightly better than vomit.
I'm so tired. I'll try and get up at 6am to put her sheets in the dryer just in case we need another change.
The universe finds new ways to break me. I'm so so tired.

Flashbacks

I posted this on Facebook. I should probably delete it.

I don't often talk about this openly. But I had a bit of a flashback tonight after reading a letter to the editor about violence in the hospital.

I remember the night the surgeon made the call to let polli die. He starved and dehydrated her for 2 days while a violent infection raged in her body. Making her nill by mouth and then cancelling the surgery because she was too weak. Terminal patients are second class in the hospital system.

I remember the nurse on duty coming in to break the news to us. I was exhausted. My blood pressure was so high my nose was bleeding every day. I just sat down. Defeated.

But I remember the nurse looking at me, I think she was almost crying. I remember she said to me, "I don't know how you are doing it. If it was me I would be chucking furniture around the room".

Dear facebookians I did something that I'm not proud of. I settled polli for an hour or so. And then I walked out of the hospital for the night. I should have stayed with her. But that was the one time in all that saga where I was quietly restraining massive anger. I had to leave her there on her own. Because one wrong word from anyone and I would have erupted. Polli knew why I needed to go and she understood. She still believed at the time she could win.

Sometimes our memories are not so kind. Sometimes small things take us right back to them.

Been a hard night tonight. I know you all only want to hear the good things in my life. I get reminded of that. Sorry for this post and sorry for failing you Polli. I paid the ultimate price and so did you.

I need to sleep. Maybe I can get some escape in there.

Overloaded

I'm tired. My chronic fatigue is hitting. Over stressed from work. And depressed.  Headaches are getting nasty. Back is not improving.

So lonely.

Valentine's day

I miss having someone to make a fuss over on Valentine's. She would tell me it was crass commercialism but loved the flowers and dinner all the same.

My not girlfriends friends

I don't know what they have against me. They haven't even met me in person. But every time they get together they niggle and needle till she comes out wondering if I am a terrible thing to be around.


Maybe I am. :( Maybe I deserve nothing more than to be alone. Couldn't even save my wife when it came down to the wire.

Stupid, I'm stupid, and ugly and a dick.

Maybe I should be alone.

Overloaded

Its the busiest time of year for me, 2 weeks of insanity while a lot of people clamour for my time all expecting their thing to be more important than everyone else.

It shows me I can't work full time. I wonder if they new it wipes me out if they would have more sympaty. Probably not, they would still want their stuff done first.

Birthdays

Well, here it is. My birthday. Might try and drag my daughter off her pc and go to lunch.

My not girlfriend contacted me last night to remind me I should be finding someone else.

Lifes a bunch of suck sometimes.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday my wife.

You are free now, no more pain, no more suffering, no more hurt.

I'm jealous. I don't want to be here.

I hate the fatigue, I hate the constant pain, I hate the depression. I don't want any of it. A promise is a promise. I'm here to look after my daughter.



I wish I could go somewhere and hide for the day. But I have to work. Somehow.

Down

My body hates me. I have rheumatoid arthritis. I live in pain and slowly it's getting worse. I have other medical issues that causes more pain.

I can't work full time. I'm not bringing in enough money.

I'm depressed.

I'm lonely so much.

I'm a nice person. I'm one of the good guys. So why do so many shitty things happen to me?

Can I leave now? I want to. But I have to look after my daughter.

2am. I better sleep.

PTSD triggers

Was reminded of a terrible medical oncologist today. Instant trigger into depression. I was already bordering there but keeping on the upside mainly.

Will I ever get to the point where those memories won't send me spiraling.

Heat, fatigue and depression

Its summer, Its hot, real hot. I'm not getting a lot of sleep.


I have been down for so many days on end. Normally with depression you can manage to pop your head up and take a breath. This time I can't shake it. Not reaching out this time. No point, asking for help just gets me shot down and people distance themselves from me even further.

Rules when you are a guy

1. No one wants to know when you are in pain.

2. No one wants to know when you are depressed

3. If anyone tells you they care then re read rules 1 and 2.

Xmas - new year holiday

It's been lonely. I can see why suicide stats go up this time of year.

I don't want to be here.

Empty chairs at empty tables

I miss looking over and seeing her there. 

Empty chairs at empty tables

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3DNaw2-hLg

You know things are messed up when........

You know things are messed up when your experiences are used in training manuals on what not to do.

I hate xmas

Here it is, it's Xmas. Bahh humbug. The family bullshit has already started. Trying to make me go to places I'm not going to. Now they are bringing my daughter into it saying it not fair on her. I stopped all the shit because that wasn't fair on her. Now she has a quiet pleasent day.

The animals are walking through the gardens. They are wrecking them.

Several schools didn't pay their bill which means they won't pay me till February. D

And I'm alone in my bed. :(

Stupid idea Xmas.

The awesome garden I made. And hate

So a few months ago I got stuck in and fixed the courtyard up. It went so well. I got it just how my late wife would have liked it. She would have loved it. Many afternoons would have been spent drinking cups of tea with her friends in it.

It makes me feel guilty, I didn't achieve it when she was alive.

I hate sitting out there feeling the guilt.  And alone.

Remember this

No one wants to know when you are sad or down.
No one wants to know when you are sad or down.

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

No one wants to know when you are sad or down. 

Keep it to yourself.

Not quite right but still fitting. Don't let it show.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCFqLPwEDU4

Tired and cant sleep

I'm exhausted. Running on way too little sleep.

Feeling low today. Think something is out of balance hormonally. Miss having someone here with me during those times.

My daughter leaves for a holiday in 2 days. She will be gone for a week. She's a pain in the ass but she gives me a purpose. Gonna be a hard week.

Sighs.

Low. Again

I hate being alone.

*Drops mic. Walks off.

Nightmares

It's been over a year. When will the nightmares stop?

On the upside at least I get to see my wife in them sometimes.

I dont want to be here anymore

If I didn't have a daughter to look after I would be free of this world.

Free from the pain.
Free from the fatigue
Free from the loneliness
Free from the stress

Eternal sleep.

But tomorrow I shall drag myself out of bed and go to my drugery of work and life.

Not working today

I give. I'm not working today. Stress and overdoing it has all come to a head.

I'm tired and I'm in pain. I just can't do it.

But I need to. I'm so short of money.

I don't know. I just don't know.

Need to win the lottery.

Update:

I didn't win the lottery.

I dragged myself into the world and did a couple of hrs work.

The muscle in my calf tore. I'm in more pain now.

It's making me even more depressed and lonely.

Too much today.

I've been working myself too hard helping my not girlfriend with a big project. I have been in pain for 3 days straight. Stupid rheumatoid arthritis.

That and a reminder that it's been 1year and 8 weeks since I lost my wife.

My daughter is refusing to help around the house and I'm too tired to fight.

A day at the pool. It's so loud and hot in there.

Stress about money

It's too much. I'm feeling down. And alone.

I miss her so much right now.

I asked for help. The opposite happened

So last night I asked the universe if I could have some good come my way.

I had a terrible nightmare.

My wife was in the hospital but I couldn't find her. Everything was changed around.

I managed to find a nurse who was one of the ones looking after her. She said they we're operating on her. I said they weren't. And they weren't going to. A part of me was reminding myself she was already dead.

I knew she was in distress and I wanted to get to her. Help her, but I couldn't.

I woke up with my body in shock. It was shaking.

Then this morning I backed into another car. The other car is ok. Mine is damaged. Probably hundreds. And my money is so low.

If you won't help me universe can I have a quick painless but dignified end instead?

I'm so low. I'm so alone. I don't want to do life anymore.

PTSD Inducing dreams

Spent the night trying to find my wife in the hospital, but I was lost. It had changed. Then spotted her nurses. They were telling me she had been operated on. I was trying to say she hadn't and she was going to die because they didn't and they wouldn't and it was going to kill her.

They had her in the wrong area, and I couldn't get to her. I knew she would be stressing but I couldn't be there for her.

I woke up shaking. Upset.


FML.

So low today

I'm feeling so down today.

I drove past the turn off to go to the place I will suicide if I ever go through with it. The temptation was stronger than it should have been. Luckily I don't have the hoses in my car to do it.

I haven't felt this low in months. I'm sitting here in a carpark. I want to cry for no reason.

Life is shit. I feel alone and stressed over money. I don't want to live anymore. There's no one to reach out to. Just gotta bottle it up and pretend it's fine.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone.

I had the shits a few nights ago and I stopped it with a single codiene. I wonder if that's causing the depression.

Who knows.

Not the worst day ever. Just a plain bad day

So things went wrong all day.

The server I was trying to repair after 10hrs I had to give in. It's not worth repairing.

My not girlfriend who was coming for the afternoon and night had to make it the afternoon and evening. Then just the evening and in the end she had to give it a miss. Maybe tomorrow.

Then I ate dinner. My IBS is giving me a hard time and I spent over an hour in the toilet. I had a shower, got half way and had to get out and go back to the toilet.

I took codiene in the hope it will block me up. It's helping but I still feel uncomfortable.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Next day update. She ate food she knew didn't agree with her so she's not coming again. And she's tied up all weekend.

I'm feeling a bit low right now.

Lessons and learning

Most of the time learning things is good. We learn to walk. We learn the feel of sunlight. We learn to play. We learn to drive.

Then there are other lessons. Sitting in Subway on Sunday my daughter  learned what a seizure looked like when someone collapsed. She learned how long it feels waiting the agonizing few minutes for an ambulance to arrive.

Life is full of lessons we don't want to learn. What it's like to watch helplessly as your partner slips away. What's a sentinal event is. Just how much blood pumps out of the body after a head is ripped off. How trust can be broken by those you should be able to trust.

I guess we must learn the good lessons and the bad ones. But there are some lessons I sure would rather have never learned.

I hope life has more nice lessons than bad ones for you all. I guess that's the most any of us can hope for.

Some days are just hard.

Had someone ask how I lost my wife, so I told them.

Bumped into the midwife who was there at the birth of my daughter. She wanted to know how I was doing without my wife.

At the pool with the homeschoolers. people asking how I was getting on without my wife.

Sometimes it wears me down.

I'm at home alone with my daughter having a sleep over.


I feel so alone tonight. I need to go to bed. I'm exhausted. I don't want to. Theres nothing there but emptiness.

Just have to. Shower and bed. I hate being alone in that bed.


Gotta do it.

It gets taken from me

Today should have been a good day. Promises of a picnic, hugs, love. A movie. Then someone to share my bed. Sex is out which I hate but at least there's comfort, touch. Just a short spell where I can pretend things are right.


She cancels. Needs to stay home. Doesn't trust herself, needs to get things done.

I held myself together for days thinking of this night. It never happened.


Had to go to the supermarket. Saw the head of the hospital there. I'm sure she has no idea who Polli was. I doubt she cares.

Bumped into my crazy ex neighbours. Nice enough people but they are nuts. The girl had cancer but shes fine now. Nice for them. I felt a touch of envy.

It all hit me after the supermarket. Just couldn't take it any more. I'm still sick and that's not helping.

I'm tired, depressed and alone. Again.

I tried saying I was having a hard time on facebook. Maybe people would reach out. No one did. Of course. Still trying to learn that one. Dear me, No one gives a fuck about the bad times. Please remember that in future.

I went out to talk to the night.
I asked why? Why is it that every little thing that's good, even the fleeting moments gets taken away from me. And why do I have to have reminders of the few things I had that I have lost. Why do I get them rubbed into my face? Why am I taunted so?


But of course there was no answer.


Sick of living this life. Sick of the emotional and physical pain. Sick of it all.

Sudden Lonliness

Just want a hug. For no reason.

I'm still sick but I have to work. Its not easy pushing through the fuzzyness. But I have to. No sick leave and I have lost almost a week.

I stopped taking the St Johns wort as an antidepressant. Turns out it was giving me nightmares.


We shall see if I can keep the depression away without it.

Im sick.

I have an abcess. It's poisoning my blood. Weakening me. Now I also have the flu. Making it doubly worse.

Then my PTSD gets triggered.

Life is so cruel. Why. Why must I face this over and over?

I thought I was adjusting to this feeling of being alone. Right now it's hurting. Hurting a lot.

I'm a good person. I help so many others in need. Why does all this shit have to get thrown at me. And why must I do it alone?

Here comes another wave

I'm sick, my daughters sick. I'm tired and I'm broke.

One of the few people I could talk to has decided its time I stopped being negative. Shes probably right but now I have no one to talk to when I get low. 

I feel so alone tonight.

Empty rooms. Empty chairs at empty tables. Empty soul, Broken heart.

Only Parent Issues

So, My daughters regular carer is having 2 weeks off.

Shes just come back from her friends place where she could have stayed a few nights.
Her other friend is out of town. Although they would only have coped for a couple hrs for 1 day.

The person I had lined up and prepaid has bailed on me.

The only other person will want quite a bit of money and I'm plain out. I haven't been paid in weeks and I'm down to credit cards.

I'm a bit fucked.

Trolls

So some random ass on facebook starts commenting on how my late wife was fat and thats why she died. He goes through a number of my posts and comments on them.


Humans suck sometimes.


Update: I complained to facebook but they felt it was ok and did nothing about it.

Friday night

Friday nights were the best. That's when my wife and I would watch tv together. Just a nice quiet evening together.

Then on Saturday we would spend the day hanging out. Go to a market, just muck around home whatever.

I miss her a lot. Especially on Friday night and Saturday :(


Hate feeling alone like this. When will it pass?

Triggers

When do I stop being triggered? Talked about having to write the letter to the hospital tonight.

Now I feel like shit and alone.

What am I supposed to be

Nice guys who are sweet apparently want to trap a woman.

Guys who aren't sweet are assholes.

Sometimes in life you just can't win.

Fuck knows.

Be yourself? Don't do it

"Be yourself". We hear it all the time. It's a lie. Don't do it. Being yourself just serves to upset people because you aren't what they wanted.

When they say be yourself or I want to see the real you what they mean is be more like I want you to be.

So go out there and fake it if you want to make it. Successful people are all fake. We know it but still love them.

Holding it in.

Feel like I'm holding in a lot of pain lately. It wants to come out.

I won't let it. Drive it down. Lock it away. That's what real men do.

Stupid dreams

I'm plagued by bad dreams. They won't go away.


Last night I'm trying to find a stamp (like put it on paper and push it down, ink transfers) that Polli left in the hospital. I'm in the room she was in at the hospital desperately trying to find this stamp. There's others there but not the one I want. The frustration builds, I have been looking and looking and its not there.
In the end I can't take it anymore, I fall to the floor and break down.

Sounds ridiculous now. But I'm recounting this and feeling like I want to fall apart.

I think I'm just frustrated with my life.

And tired. I'm so tired.

I'm still here

So here I am.

I'm getting my gardens back in order,
I'm tidying myself up in appearance.
I'm keeping the house maintained at a useable level (housework)

I'm managing this despite my continued want to give up.
I'm wading through the hurt, the pain. It hasn't gone away. I'm just walking with it hanging off me. Refusing to stop, even though I desperately want to.

Then some judgmental twat tells me I'm not getting the message and moving on.

Fuck her.

Monday

Monday.

Before me lays yet another week of drudgery.

Another week of me arguing with my daughter to get out of bed.

Another week of work.

Another week of housework.

Another week of depression.

Another week of debilitating fatigue.

Another week of existing.

Health

I think theirs an abscess forming in my upper jaw somewhere. The throbbing suggests it. It's not teeth because theirs nothing there.

My blood pressure is high.

I work to keep both at manageable levels. Sometimes I am tempted to stop managing it.



Instead I foolishly live in hope that things will somehow become better. Along with my stupid sense of honour and keeping my promise to look after Sophia.

Not a catch

I had hoped maybe I would be a catch. Someone might see I was a nice guy and everything.



I'm not.

I'm fat.
I'm ugly.
I'm moody.
I'm depressed.
I'm scruffy.
I'm sick.

I bring destruction.

Maybe its best if I walk alone.

People around me get hurt.

Something is wrong. People I work with. People I am close to. They either die or their lives get messed up.

Sharon. Brain aneurism
Jill. Lung cancer
Annette. Breast cancer
Felicity. Pneumonia

All had the office beside mine. Sharon survived. The effects are devistating and life long.

My sister. Multiple sclerosis
My father cancer.
My mother car crash
My wife cancer.
My best friend burst aorta.

So many.

I need to stay away from people.

Bed time

It's going to bed and spending the night on my own that hurts the most.