What the hell happened?

Warrior

Fatigue hidden behind a gentle smile. The lonely warrior grips his sword. It’s been relentless for so long. Sadness drips from his arms. Maybe some rest soon, respite. Not yet. Not today. He moves forward once more. Fight the unwinnable fight. We all perish in the end.

Outcast

Today I am an outcast of society.

I cannot enter the places I work during normal hours.

If I go to a GP they now have a portable cabin outside to be seen in if necessary, but I am not even allowed in their waiting rooms.

Soon I will not be allowed a haircut.

I will not be allowed into Gyms

I will not be allowed to eat at a cafe.

I'm not allowed to go to any festivals this summer, even outdoor ones.

I look on facebook. The hatred of us unvaxxed is growing.

I hate "society"

Humans are still horrid.

Day 1 of being ostracized.

Day 1. I'm tired. I checked the news to see if there were reports of havoc. Why did I bother? Of course not they have been paid off by the government not to report that.

The warned about division is happening of course. I am not surprised. I have seen it before. Makes me sad though.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my last day of normality (if you can call it that)

After tomorrow I am no longer allowed in my workplace

I am not allowed to participate in my way of life because I refuse to participate in a medical experiment.

The world is falling to tyranny.

Some can see it.

So many cannot.

If I am wrong I might catch something that gives me a survival chance well over 99.7%

If I am right 90% of the world is going to die.

A mass extinction event.

I hold the line.

I will stand.

Not for myself, but for my daughter.

I shall hold on for her.

Declined

I thought I was going to manage a medical exemption for the covid vaxx. It seemed promising.

After making me wait for almost a week the GP changed her mind and said no.

I will not be coerced into a medical experiment.

So in 10 days my company will effectively be shut down.

Fuck the assholes who are forcing this.

I live and I die on MY terms. Not yours.

Tired

I look at the news on my phone, it's all covid, covid covid.

I look at facebook, covid, covid, more covid.

I stop at the supermarket. Scan codes, wear a mask, plexi sheilds at the counters.

I go in to see a client, move past the counter setup just in the door and work out mask etiquette before repairing their equipment.

Friends talking, it's all covid.

We are being placed in a culture of abject fear. It's psychological warfare. Its been well over a year of it.

My company is being decimated. Not that it was going all that well.

I'm cracking under the pressure. Good thing I'm used to living like this.

Will the terrors of being alive ever end?

Just want a hug

I woke up this morning and just wanted to hug someone. But of course there wasn't anyone.

My eyes wanted to leak, I was so desperate for someone to be there.

No one there for me of course.

Felt down all day.

Living alone.

I never wanted this.

My mind

My mind is everywhere at once. Some is dark, some is light. Some is sex. Some is the deepest sadness you ever knew. Fear, anxiety, strength

Tyranny

So many of the sheep still cannot see it.

We are now in a tyranny

Participate in our medical experiment or face the consequences. You will lose your job, your freedom to enter most places will be limited. We will make sure the populace shuns you.

Outcast.

Show your papers or your freedom of movement will be stopped.

2am

My waking life is bad enough.

The nightmares are harsh again.

2am. I am exhausted but I don't want the nightmares.

But I must succumb.

Time to slip into the fetid depths of my mind.

do you ever

Ever wake up in the morning and wish you could just end it?

Here for my daughter.

My body is wrecked.

The endless physical pain. It won't go away.

My job is toast.

Running out of money and credit cards

Alone.

I keep holding on.

But I don't want to.

4 directions of a mind

Bending my mind in different directions simultaneously.

Talking to a woman whose going through an abortion, on her birthday. She's feeling alone.

Talking to a woman who is afraid of government over reach

Talking to a woman who is alone and needs to feel sexy.

Talking to a woman who overworked herself today, she's on the verge of vomiting from pushing too hard and needs to keep going tomorrow

Pushing my mind in 4 directions simultaneously. All while exhausted.

Bed, sleep. I'm going to help a friend tomorrow with hard physical work. I'm going to pay for it the next day. But that's what we do. Such is the lot of a modern gentleman.

Tales of a Modern Gentleman

Tales of a Modern Gentleman.

She stood at a pair of dark gates, a huge fire burned behind them, she could feel the intense heat.

Fear etched across her face. The gates opened and a gentleman came forward.

“W-where am I?” she stammered. The gentleman smiled kindly. “These are the gates of hell,” he replied.

“But, I was a good person. How did I end up here?”

“Your partner, he put you here” he was smiling in such a kind way, it was so odd.

“He was so mean,” she said. “But I tried, I held on… tried to help him.”

“Yeah. You did well,” the gentleman said. Wrapping an arm around her. She felt a pleasant coolness coming off of him. “Don’t worry. I’ll let you in on a secret. One of the ways to heaven is to walk through hell. You are already most of the way there. This part you don’t have to do alone. You have experienced enough already. Come, I’ll walk with you. Stay close, you won’t get burned, not anymore.“

They walked in silence for a little, she was collecting her thoughts. She knew she should be frightened but the Gentleman was so calming. Eventually she turned to him “Who are you?” she said. He smiled, “I am a modern gentleman.” He looked a little sad for a moment. “There used to be more of us” he mused, “But our numbers grow smaller. I hope that one day though, through our words and our actions that there will be more”. She thought for a moment “are you created this way?” He looked at her. “To a few it comes naturally, for a lot it… comes from experience.” “and you?” she said, “was it natural?” “I don’t know,” he replied, “it may have happened that way, but my life meant it was not to be. I had to walk a lot of this path alone. I was joined by someone for a time, she was beautiful. But now we must walk apart, something neither of us wanted. Sometimes though, sometimes these things happen, you either let it turn you hard, or you use it and turn it into something better.” “like me,” she said. He smiled, “yes, like you.” “how did I come to find you?” she asked. “How come I have never seen your type?” “We are always here. But we aren’t so easy to find amongst the posers and the liars” he replied. They continued on for a while, “are you going to continue with me the whole way?” she eventually asked. “I don’t know, some only stay for a little, some for a long time, it depends on you, how confident you become walking through here.” “I don’t know if I could ever feel confident walking through this place.” She said. He took is arm from around her, “notice you can’t feel the heat anymore?” “I, I, you are right, I don’t, how come?” “Simple,” he smiled, “there was no heat, it’s an illusion, from your own expectations, but as you gain confidence that will happen, you will see hell is so often where you put yourself.” As they walked further she started to walk more apart from him. Gaining confidence as they walked more, the fires grew weaker. “I don’t think I need your help anymore she said eventually.” They stopped, he smiled with a tinge of sadness, “that’s awesome,” he said. “you look a little sad,” she said. “It’s a bit of a lonely path sometimes,” he replied. “but I’m glad you are finding your way.”

She stood at a pair of dark gates, a huge fire burned behind them, she could feel the intense heat.

Fear etched across her face. The gates opened and a gentleman came forward. He approached, turned towards the fire and drew his sword. He looked towards her, “Are you ready?”

Covid fears

In the worst covid areas in New Zealand they are now going door to door and testing. If they come back positive then the people are taken to quarantine facilities. Failing to do any of that results in massive fines and possibly arrest. Escaping from those facilities ends up in prison time and more fines.

There is talk of limiting the freedoms of those who don't get the "vaccine" It's not a vaccine though its an experimental gene therapy.

People are scared. There's lots of talk about adverse reactions, the government was trying to stop it but now... there's so much flooding in its becoming a torrent of people.

Besieged

I feel besieged by everything in the world at the moment. My lungs are damaged but I have to wear a mask. You can get exemptions but you are treated like dirt if you don't. I saw a video the other day of a guy who tried to get into a supermarket here with no mask on. He had an exemption Just hope he eventually got medical treatment from the police beating him up and slamming his head into the road. I have to wear one when I go in to see clients too. Everywhere you go it's vaccinate, vaccinate. Businesses here are starting to say we will not allow you entry unless you are vaccinated. There’s a division forming, those who vax vs those who don’t. This world is getting scary.

Pushed and pulled

I feel pushed and pulled by life and people at the moment.

Round and round.

Look at this, look at me, help me, help me. research this, know that. Act this way, be that way.

I'm overloading.

Aspie, limits to shit I can withstand.

Tired. So. fucking. Tired

This cup is empty but I'm still being made to pour from it.

Scared too.

Stay here for my daughter. Focus on that.

I don't want to be here.

I miss a relationship

How do I explain it? I miss her, of course I do. But a year ago I… I accepted her death. Now it’s not so much how I miss her, I’m missing those things. Random car rides with a hand on her thigh, Waking up beside her in the morning, catching a perve when she climbs naked into bed. Someone who gives a fuck when I’m down. Someone to celebrate even the small wins. Encouragement for the hard shit you know. Those grins when you take her somewhere she loves, even if you aren’t a fan of it. I’ll say it, I miss the sex too. Getting her favourite food and watching her happily eat it, making her laugh at stupid shit. Time is going on, my body isn’t getting younger, will I hit the point where I my body will be able to have nothing but companionship? And even now, it’s been so long. The doubts, can I even manage a relationship? Sometimes I just don’t know anymore.

Drink

I want to drink,

I want to be drunk.

I want to be numb.

I want to slow my mind.

I want that clarity that comes.

I want to play loud angry music and feel it inside me.

Because that's the only way I can feel the rage and the hurt.

But I won't

No more alcoholic.

I will sit here in my pool of misery.

Leave me here in it's murky depths.

To drown in my sadness.

The metronome

Tick tock

Flip, flop

Tick tock

The metronome flips side to side.

On one side I feel happy to be alone.

On the other I want that relationship

Back and forward

Tick tock

I have freedom

I want to care for another and have that care reciprocated.

Flip Flop

Peace at night in my bed.

Someone to touch late at night when the nightmares come.

Tick tock

Back and forward.

Over and over

It never seems to stop.

Freedom comes in different forms.

Freedom looks different to different people.

We have been in a lockdown for a couple of weeks. While some feel oppressed for me it was the opposite.

I got to simply be me no faking being normal at work. No worrying about can I do my job. No worrying will I have enough work to pay the bills (the government covered that) no trying to push through chronic fatigue. Bliss

Tomorrow that ends. Its time to go back to work. The anxiety is hitting a bit. Trying not to think.

Sorry for existing

My business is failing.

I don't think I am capable of a relationship anymore so that's taking a rethink.

My health is shit and it's getting hard to work.

I try not to look at the future because every time I do it's damn scary.

Sometimes I want to apologize to the whole world for existing and go slink off into a corner.

Ramblings pt4

11:25pm. Should be in bed. Words flying around my head, trying to grasp them.

1 month and it will be 5 years since I watched her die. Yeah, I miss her. But, now I more miss having someone there. Share those moments, but at the same time, I’m becoming so used to being alone. Can I adapt to someone after so long? Does it matter? No one close enough to here who has any interest beyond friends.

Blink, blink goes the cursor.

Sometimes we sit there willing ourselves to move. Just, it’s not there you know? Argh, the frustration.

Heads muddled. Brain fog.

Men on singles pages with that any hole is a goal mentality, you stupid twats, flooding women so they don’t know what to do. Slow it down, look for the few that really interest you. Then meaningful dialogue can happen. Maybe I’m wrong though. I’m the one who’s long term single.

Laugh, it’s important. Helps the mind, I don’t laugh too much on Modern Gentleman, not the right place, I’m full of inappropriate humor though.

Sometimes I watch prank videos on youtube. Fact is though in real life I would hate it. She’s supposed to trust you. Shouldn’t betray it.

Words aren’t flowing tonight. Time to head for the shower.

Good night all. Or good day depending on where you are.

Dont know what you got till its gone

Don't know what you got till it's gone

-Cinderella

You know, I knew what I had was good. Maybe I was a little complacent about it sometimes, but yeah, when it was gone I understood, it was then that I knew what I had and it was real. 4 years of looking for real again. I don't know if it's out there for me anymore.

Wisdom from an old man. Don't get too complacent in your love. One day it won't be there anymore. All love stories are tragedies in the end. Make sure yours is a tale worth remembering.

How many times

How many times will my mind make me lose my wife in my dreams?

Countless times and last night was one of them.

So lonely.

Tired

I'm tired. So, fucking tired. It permeates everything. Physically, emotionally. Just, so, tired.

No more.

Please?

Not much work on either. I'm going to need money real soon, money I don't have.

Sick of humans.

Trolls on my page, trolls are asses with no reason to do so.

Looking at my rich relatives on facebook. They all just got back from the cook islands. One of them got married over there so the whole lot went over.

My friend worked so hard and aged 55 bought her dream property. She has a clear view 30kms to the ocean. The place in front of her sold. There are many places to build on that new section but the new people have decided to build up the ground and totally block her view. There is nothing she can do about it.

Humans are horrid creatures.

Goals

My current goals:

Good enough health that I don't wonder if things will go terminal soon.

Enough money that I don't live worried about what I'm going to do when the next bill turns up.

And someone who I can wake up beside each morning.

Not looking very good at the moment. Guess some of us get dealt a shitty hand in life.

It is what it is.

Not willing to accept it though.

I deserve better.

depression

When you fight depression for a week and finally it wins.

Don't fucking know anymore. All seems pointless. My page, spend half my life running it. Why? What's in it for me?

Fuck my life. It's shit. Still don't want to live. It's all a fucking Trainwreck that's gonna happen sometime soon.

Fuck knows.

Labels

Labels in this world are very useful, we identify food, plants, pretty much everything. The problem is sometimes there is no correct label. I fit no exact label. I guess the closest is Pleasure Dom (dominant). It’s shitty and ill fitting though.

I guess it’s part of why I am still single, I can’t easily place myself in any particular category.

You see, I refuse to inflict pain on a woman. It’s just not me. The whole ropes and restraints doesn’t do a lot either. But I need a sub (submissive) the right one, one who is willing to release her body and mind. You see, my fetish is in making a woman orgasm, not just one small orgasm, it’s pushing further and further for more and larger orgasms. Achieving this takes time, it’s not going to happen the first time. I can achieve some fantastic ones the first time but it takes learning and trying things to truly take her places. Sometimes the journey can be as much fun as the destination.

The most difficult part is treading a fine line, pushing her to her limits but holding back enough because if you go too far she passes out and that is not great on my part, sitting there frustrated after pleasuring her for hours. Unfortunately, this happens a lot because seeing her in a mess of orgasms makes me want to push her more and further. Hitting that balance is not easy when neither of you wants to hold back.

So, you say, what’s in it for me? There has to be pleasure beyond just pleasuring her. There is. In sexual terms, after she’s had her fill I can be completely selfish in what I want. I keep it varied but I can keep it about me and take as long or be as quick as I please.

Outside of sex, I’m still the strong person, but, not always. I love a woman who is kind and tender with a side of sass. Who will be gentle towards me. I guess a woman with slightly sub tendencies there too.

Me n her = Gentle

Me n her against the world = Badasses.

Don’t ever hurt her. I hate fights and arguments and I will walk away when possible. But I will be relentless when I have to be. I’m old and well-practiced.

wasted life

Crawled into bed for the afternoon. I can't afford it. Pretty fucked financially.

I'm too fucked up for this world.

There's no help.

I'm on my own.

Just people going awwww from a distance.

Friendzoned again

Got talking to a woman. Seems neat. Finally asked her after weeks of talking if we could meet.

Got slammed so hard and fast into the Friendzone I think I got whiplash.

1:17am

1:17am. Exhausted and alone. Need to sleep but there's no one beside me. No company for the nightmares.

I feel so alone right now.

Can anyone love the autistic guy?

Or am I too flawed?

And oddity in a world demanding flawless.

Sleep is winning.Time to disappear into it's murky depths.

I'm just me

I’m just a soul whose intentions are good.

-The animals

They say you should never meet your heroes because you will be disappointed. I had an admin of a page message me one day. We struck up a conversation and talked for a few months. She told me that first time she put it off because she felt intimidated. Talking to “the” Modern Gentleman. Maybe that’s my problem, the few women who talk to me have this elevated idea of who I am.

I’m different it’s true. My mind works differently. Aspergers they call it. Or High Functioning autistic, or autistic. Even the experts can’t agree on what the hell we are but seriously, I’m not anyone amazing. In fact I’m quite an awkward person. If you ever meet me I can tell you that I will be a mess, I will get things wrong but I will try, if you tell me what works and what doesn’t I can work towards it. I guess that’s one great thing about not fitting in with societal norms, I can change a number of aspects of my mind. Only a few things I can’t change, mainly things revolving around my hypersensitivity. I care though. I care deeply and I try.

I just hope that one day someone will see past my awkwardness, forgive me for my mistakes and gently guide me the right way (I have figured out a lot already). I have a lot to offer. To you out there, if you can and want to, come join me in my world. It’s a bit weird but it’s a good place. It has kindness, love and dad jokes. Oh, and Mr Barkington too.

Why?

Seriously. Why?

The one thing. The one good thing that made all of this shit worth it. The one thing. That made my fucked up life good gets taken away. I search for 4 1/2 years. and I find someone. I find someone awesome. She's so damn neat.

And I will never be with her. Placed tantalizingly close but just out of reach.

Why? Why must I be tormented so? Is this some kind of hell I must endure?

Sorry

Sometimes I think I should apologise to the world for existing.

unloveable

useless

Too stupid to get things right. Leave me to drown. It will be best for all of us.

Mhy must I be tormented. The thing I desire most. Tantalizingly close but just out of reach.

Maybe hope tomorrow. Probably not. I see issues already. Why would she want me?

I'm feeling out of place. Out of sorts. Out of me.

It's... how do I explain it.

I have a hunger, that cannot easily be quenched. I have a need for a deep emotional, personal connection with someone. Sex but, not fucking, no. A depth that comes from experiencing a prolonged period of connection until both collapse, exhausted and sated.

I feel ridiculous for its need. Like my hormones are out of control.

Lonely depressive

So lonely, depressive episode hitting, can't talk to anyone though, I will sabotage. People wanting to talk, drains me more.

I'm so tired.

Can't drink to reset my mind either.

Fucked raw by life, no lube.

messed thoughts

no hugs for this dickhead.

I am nothing but a loser masquerading as something else.

Walk away from me, it's best you do.

Or was I nothing more than a fantasy. Pass the time.

They seem nice

Why would you want to love a shattered woman?

“Why would you want to love a shattered woman?” you may ask. Let me tell you.
You will get someone who appreciates love and kindness. She will not throw those back at you.
Randomly buying her flowers, cooking her favourite meal, doing the dishes, all those little things, she will love. If you keep going you will see her grow and bloom into a beautiful person. Slowly she will get her voice back. I love it when they do. Heaven help anyone who ever tries to silence them again. That’s the first part of their confidence. Then as the rest of her confidence returns, oh how awesome she is. Then one day someone will cross you. The fire that will come from her, that person will surely burn.
And the love, the passion. It’s like she’s had to repress it for so long. It comes back, oh it comes back. She will want to go further and deeper. She will want to find limits and boundaries if she knows she is in safe hands.

Let me give you a warning here dear reader. She may reach a point where she must spread her wings. She will never leave completely, not if you don’t want her to, but sometimes she needs her new found freedom. Let her go, let her fly. Cheer her on as she rises.
Maybe, just maybe, you will find one who stays.

mothers day

It's mother's day.

My wife is dead, my mother is dead.

There is nothing to celebrate.

I miss having someone to dote on.

cast aside

In their minds they want me. In reality I'm the autistic retard.

Unwanted. Unloveable

Fuck, my, fucking, life

I'm running a gauntlet of bearucrats who are trying to kill off my business that I have spent 20 years creating.

Because some asshole feels schools working together is wrong and they have to compete instead.

And now they are paying a nationwide chain to undercut me.

So I am losing my clients.

So I am busting my ass trying to keep my last clients happy doing impossible things.

Because I am too sick to go do a regular job.

In short I am very, very fucked and I see no way out.

So I bash my head against brick walls in a futile effort to last a little longer hoping beyond hope something goes right for once in my pathetic fucking miserable existence.

This years lesson, you give up everything for a job, in the end though, they will drop you for the big company who can do more for less. Loyalty is just a word.

Acts of kindness

"Do you still have that wood up the back? I have run out and won't have the funds for more for a little. It was cold last night."

"Sure, come around this afternoon and I'll cut it up."

I get home and pull out the chainsaw and sharpen it's teeth. She arrives and we head up the back. This body of mine is not doing well but it's getting mighty cold at night. She doesn't have a lot of money and she only has solar power, no other heating. A few pulls and the chainsaw bursts into life. I dropped that tree a year ago so I know the wood is dry. I work in bursts. Push until I'm having trouble. I stop and rest. Then do some more. My back is yelling a bit. It's going to be worse later. Can't stop for too long or my back will seize. I cut a couple weeks worth of wood for her, she's working to take it out to her vehicle. I have to stop, feeling faint, buzzing in my ears. Sit for a few minutes. Ok, one last go. I start the saw and finish it off, sweats getting in my eyes. This body is an ass.

I finish off the area, we feel around the grass, she pulls out a few last pinecones and branches. She loads them up and heads off. I go in, take off my I'm fine mask and rest. I'm hurtin tonight. It was worth it. Feels good helping someone with no motive other than "because it's the right thing to do." Her and her daughter will not be cold tonight.

The truth about relationships

“relationships are easy with the right person”

No, no, no. No relationship is easy.

I remember bringing Pollis wheelchair home. She was only capable of walking a few steps by then. She cried. Losing her ability to walk. Losing her independence like that. All I could do was reassure her, but I felt it. Fucking hurts seeing them go downhill like that. Would hurt more being the one losing it. In sickness and in health, I took an oath. Didn’t need it, I wasn’t going anywhere anyways. But that’s what you do in a relationship, a real relationship.

Relationships are worthwhile with the right person The good times will make the shit times worthwhile, and together there are times that will feel like your soul is being strangled. That’s the price. The good tempered with the bad. Knowing everything I know now I would do it again. All of it.