Alone today.
Probably good. World came crashing down. overthinking, oversharing.
Head hurts. Ate, napped, drank. Now I want to both eat and puke.
Shit day. No one here to help. Want a hug. No one here for that. Hasn't been in a while.
Feeling very, very fucking alone. I don't want to be in this world anymore. It's mean and feels pretty damn pointless.
818
I woke up recently with 818 firmly embedded in my mind. I went looking for the meaning. I hope this happens. I am ready to move forward. The past 3 years have not been kind.
Keep Seeing 818? Read this carefully…
The angel number 818 can symbolize the end of a significant chapter in your life.
The angel number 818 can symbolize the end of a significant chapter in your life.
Just as with angel number 808, this can be good news or bad news, depending on which part of your life is about to end.
But your angels want you to look at the good that will come out of this end. There’s a reason for everything, so learn to appreciate the reason why this has to happen.
This can be an area of your life that’s no longer making you happy, even if you keep trying to convince yourself that it still does.
Understand that any source of unhappiness or discontent affects the flow of positive energy in your life.
If you have to sever ties or get rid of things that are no longer healthy for you, know that new and better things will soon take their place. These things will help you get closer to your life ambitions and goals.
Whatever you have lost, you will soon regain. Whatever pain and hurt you’re feeling will be replaced with happiness and contentment.
Just trust in the process and know that your angels will not lead you astray. You have to go through these experiences and learn these lessons if you want to appreciate the good life that you will soon have.
The true and secret influence of Angel Number 818
With the angel number 818, just like with the angel number 18, you are encouraged to think about thoughts of richness, prosperity, and abundance.
With the angel number 818, just like with the angel number 18, you are encouraged to think about thoughts of richness, prosperity, and abundance.
What you think about is manifest very quickly, so make sure that your thoughts are made
of pure intentions.
of pure intentions.
Hurts
Having to watch while a woman gets sucked in by a narcissistic asshole. All I can do is hope she gets it soon and be there when it turns to crap. Not her fault. She's just looking for love in the wrong places. It's all she's known.
Hurts.
Had a friend telling me she opened up to someone who told her that all the bad stuff was her fault because she allowed it to happen. Yeah she said to me. I let my father climb on top because it was better than the beating that's so bad it breaks your skin.
Hurts too.
I want a nice long hug. No one here for that. Only the dog and he doesn't really like them. Not the same as a human anyways.
More hurt.
Today just hurts.
Anxiety attacks
One small group I work for causes constant drama always issues.
They are making demands. Had to tell them no. Anxiety attack has kicked in.
Need to go to work. Want to hide.
Always had anxiety but over the past few months it's got bad.
Used to have people who could keep it at bay. Think I'm addicted to hugging. Can't have that now.
Still don't want to be here anymore. Especially on days like this.
They are making demands. Had to tell them no. Anxiety attack has kicked in.
Need to go to work. Want to hide.
Always had anxiety but over the past few months it's got bad.
Used to have people who could keep it at bay. Think I'm addicted to hugging. Can't have that now.
Still don't want to be here anymore. Especially on days like this.
Just one.
Please universe. Can I have just one special person in my life? Someone to hug in the morning when I wake up?
Please?
Just make this world tolerable. Please?
Please?
Just make this world tolerable. Please?
My last physical friend.
I have friends on facebook. But I only had one close physical friend. I don't get to see her much. Technically you could call her an ex girlfriend. It didn't work out so we just stayed as friends. It hurts a bit sometimes. But at least she talks to me.
I love it when we get together. I would sit down and she would lean up against me. Sometimes she would drift off to sleep laying against me and I would put my arm around her. It made the world bearable for a few hours.
It's changing. She's changing. She has a new dog. She talks to me a lot less now. She passed through town in her camper twice in 2 weeks and spent the night in town. I visited her when she was here. She never sat with me, she stayed at the other end of her camper, at the table. The one time I touched her (I briefly put my hand on her back) she said she was no longer used to touch and was quite glad about it. She said she no longer craved that contact from people and it made life easier.
I have trouble being around groups of people. I am autistic (Aspergers) and my mind cannot process so many people at once, its overloading. I hate going out. Everything is loud and too full of everything.
I have no hobbies. I used to play video games but they now bore me. Did some art, over it, did writing, over that too apart from screaming at my blog. I can't watch TV anymore. It makes me sad because that's what I did with my wife. Now I just get drunk and scroll facebook at night.
I don't want to live like this.
I love it when we get together. I would sit down and she would lean up against me. Sometimes she would drift off to sleep laying against me and I would put my arm around her. It made the world bearable for a few hours.
It's changing. She's changing. She has a new dog. She talks to me a lot less now. She passed through town in her camper twice in 2 weeks and spent the night in town. I visited her when she was here. She never sat with me, she stayed at the other end of her camper, at the table. The one time I touched her (I briefly put my hand on her back) she said she was no longer used to touch and was quite glad about it. She said she no longer craved that contact from people and it made life easier.
I have trouble being around groups of people. I am autistic (Aspergers) and my mind cannot process so many people at once, its overloading. I hate going out. Everything is loud and too full of everything.
I have no hobbies. I used to play video games but they now bore me. Did some art, over it, did writing, over that too apart from screaming at my blog. I can't watch TV anymore. It makes me sad because that's what I did with my wife. Now I just get drunk and scroll facebook at night.
I don't want to live like this.
living with myself
They say you need to learn to live with yourself. You need to learn to love yourself. Then you can love others.
What if I don't want to? What if an integral part of me is to love another and be loved by another?
Why is that so bad? I don't want to be alone. I want to wake up next to a woman and give her a morning hug. I want to go to bed at night and hug her before I turn out the light and go to sleep.
Why? Why is that so bad?
What if I don't want to? What if an integral part of me is to love another and be loved by another?
Why is that so bad? I don't want to be alone. I want to wake up next to a woman and give her a morning hug. I want to go to bed at night and hug her before I turn out the light and go to sleep.
Why? Why is that so bad?
Goals
It's difficult to have goals when your ambition right now is to die.
A pathetic little blip in history. Nothing more than a side note on some geneologists database.
Please universe. Either bring some happiness to my pathetic life or kill me.
Don't leave me in this middle. Alive but not living.
Tired
My soul is weary, my heart hurts and I have so little purpose.
Please. Let me go. I don't want to be here anymore.
Strength from odd places
I used to think I was weak. So many battles so many terrible things. The depression cuts me so deep so much of the time. Recently my family got screwed over. My sister was so upset. I said to her do you want me to cause havoc? I can. Done it so many times I know how to do it. At first she said no. A week later she said do it. I said, last chance. I can do it. She said go for it.
I turned the city against those people, they were abused in the street, they were pushed and shoved.
In the end my family was so sorry for them they called me off. I don't think they realised how much havoc I could cause. I stopped, although I set enough in motion that a short time later the main person involved lost her managerial job and is now a waitress.
.
You might be tired, you might be down. You might be having trouble getting up. But you could be surprised, once you get burned enough the fire has trouble hurting. Drink enough poison and you become immune to it.
.
Now, if I could just crawl out of my hole and stay out. One step at a time.
I turned the city against those people, they were abused in the street, they were pushed and shoved.
In the end my family was so sorry for them they called me off. I don't think they realised how much havoc I could cause. I stopped, although I set enough in motion that a short time later the main person involved lost her managerial job and is now a waitress.
.
You might be tired, you might be down. You might be having trouble getting up. But you could be surprised, once you get burned enough the fire has trouble hurting. Drink enough poison and you become immune to it.
.
Now, if I could just crawl out of my hole and stay out. One step at a time.
Done
Me: Please universe. Please, it's too much. Please, I just want some kindness.
Universe: buckle up bitch, I got plenty more shit to throw at you. You might be wishing you are dead, wait till you are down on your knees begging me to end it. And then I'll find new ways to torment you.
Free will
How much of our lives are free will and how much is external forces manipulating until they get their way?
Madness
I have lost a bit of my sanity along the way.
It doesn't bother me that much. I think I could do with losing a bit more. I'm liking crazy people more than I used too.
It doesn't bother me that much. I think I could do with losing a bit more. I'm liking crazy people more than I used too.
Am I wrong?
I was so careful. I checked, double checked. Over and over I checked.
But maybe I was wrong. Could I have been duped by a master at manipulation? Is she that good?
Is she still doing it? Is she finished with me? Is it manipulation?
If its not then that's scary too.
I don't know. And I cannot talk to anyone about it.
But maybe I was wrong. Could I have been duped by a master at manipulation? Is she that good?
Is she still doing it? Is she finished with me? Is it manipulation?
If its not then that's scary too.
I don't know. And I cannot talk to anyone about it.
I'm bullshitting myself
Today I am lying to myself. Saying its always darkest before the dawn.
I'm so tired, I'm in so much pain, I'm so alone, I'm desperate to die.
Tried to reach out. Every ones busy.
I'm so tired, I'm in so much pain, I'm so alone, I'm desperate to die.
Tried to reach out. Every ones busy.
My Daughter
Get in the car today, discover my daughter has carved I'm sad into the dashboard.
I get the cry for help. But FFS.
I get the cry for help. But FFS.
A last hug
Just sitting reading about hugging and I remembered the last hug I got from my wife. She was dying in a hospice bed. I broke down and told her I was going to miss her and I didn't know how I was going to cope. She came around for a moment, murmured oh sweetie and hugged me before going back under. I miss her so much right now. My life is so fucked up without her.
Heart
Heart has been giving me a hard time.
Gave in and went to hospital. The one where they killed my wife. Figured it wasn't enough to kill me but potentially enough to fuck me up even more.
I fucking hate hospitals. Held it together while I was in there but now I'm falling apart. In my bed. Alone.
I want someone to hug so badly right now.
Potential new girlfriend is telling me to suck it up. Makes me want to die even more.
I want compassionate. I wish there was someone out there with kindness. I just want someone I can hold when things get too dark.
Please. I don't want to live anymore. I'm sick of living in the pain from the rheumatoid arthritis, I'm sick of being alone, I'm sick of the stress from not making enough money, I'm sick of life.
Forced to go on because I have a daughter I must care for.
I am a fool
Why? Why did I think that despite everything I could help her and in turn she would help me?
Why? I am a stupid idiot. A lonely old fool.
I spent last night begging the universe to kill me.
Why? I am a stupid idiot. A lonely old fool.
I spent last night begging the universe to kill me.
I am a fool
Why? Why am I trying to experience love from the wrong place? It's a stupid delusion.
Maybe it's because it's the closest I have been to it for some time. So close to right but still wrong.
Maybe it's because it's the closest I have been to it for some time. So close to right but still wrong.
Fucking hurts.
Cancer is not trendy
Cancer is not trendy.
Let me say that again.
Cancer is NOT trendy.
Cancer is not smiling teens in bandannas,
Cancer is not walking around a track.
Cancer is not sitting happily in an armchair while some chemicals run in your arm.
And while you worry about the person with cancer, let me tell you what cancer is to the support person attached to them.
Cancer is cleaning blood out of the bathroom at 2 am because your partner sprung a leak in a vein.
Cancer is getting 2 hrs sleep each night for a week because shes up in pain and crying, then trying to function at work worried out of your tiny exhausted mind.
Cancer is trying to juggle appointments and work.
Cancer is running out of money trying to keep her going and stripping out the savings while smiling and telling her everything is ok.
Cancer is tearing through the credit cards because the savings are gone. Don't forget to smile. Everything is ok.
Cancer is telling the person at the welfare office the accounts aren't up to date because your accountant is in a hospice bed dying but thank you for taking the time to give me an urgent appointment even if you won't help.
Cancer is telling her that you will be ok when shes gone while you are falling to pieces.
Cancer is quietly wandering to the nurses station at the hospice and placing a do not resuscitate order on your wife because you have both decided its time to give up.
Cancer is trying to explain to people 2 days before your wife dies that you are not handing over custody of your daughter to them.
Cancer is cleaning vomit for hours because they gave her the wrong medication while you weren't looking. Again.
Cancer is begging for mercy from the drug companies because the hospital is refusing to supply the correct bandages and its killing your wife.
Cancer is falling apart for 2 years after she dies. Watching your company go to shit because you just don't have it in you to sort it.
Cancer is people criticizing your housekeeping abilities, you know its an unclean shithole but you just can't manage right now.
Cancer is people criticizing you for trying to move on with your life.
Cancer is NOT trendy.
Let me say that again.
Cancer is NOT trendy.
Cancer is not smiling teens in bandannas,
Cancer is not walking around a track.
Cancer is not sitting happily in an armchair while some chemicals run in your arm.
And while you worry about the person with cancer, let me tell you what cancer is to the support person attached to them.
Cancer is cleaning blood out of the bathroom at 2 am because your partner sprung a leak in a vein.
Cancer is getting 2 hrs sleep each night for a week because shes up in pain and crying, then trying to function at work worried out of your tiny exhausted mind.
Cancer is trying to juggle appointments and work.
Cancer is running out of money trying to keep her going and stripping out the savings while smiling and telling her everything is ok.
Cancer is tearing through the credit cards because the savings are gone. Don't forget to smile. Everything is ok.
Cancer is telling the person at the welfare office the accounts aren't up to date because your accountant is in a hospice bed dying but thank you for taking the time to give me an urgent appointment even if you won't help.
Cancer is telling her that you will be ok when shes gone while you are falling to pieces.
Cancer is quietly wandering to the nurses station at the hospice and placing a do not resuscitate order on your wife because you have both decided its time to give up.
Cancer is trying to explain to people 2 days before your wife dies that you are not handing over custody of your daughter to them.
Cancer is cleaning vomit for hours because they gave her the wrong medication while you weren't looking. Again.
Cancer is begging for mercy from the drug companies because the hospital is refusing to supply the correct bandages and its killing your wife.
Cancer is falling apart for 2 years after she dies. Watching your company go to shit because you just don't have it in you to sort it.
Cancer is people criticizing your housekeeping abilities, you know its an unclean shithole but you just can't manage right now.
Cancer is people criticizing you for trying to move on with your life.
Cancer is NOT trendy.
Hypocrite
The modern gentleman is a hypocrite.
I spend all my time telling people about quality, healthy relationships. I can't even maintain one myself. That's on the rare occasion I have come close to one.
I am a fraud.
I spend all my time telling people about quality, healthy relationships. I can't even maintain one myself. That's on the rare occasion I have come close to one.
I am a fraud.
Alone
Sick of being alone, sick of using alcohol as a crutch to get me through the night.
I don't get it. I'm nice, kind, loving and caring.
All I'm good for is fixing people's computers.
Guess this is the price I pay for letting those Drs kill my wife. I was tired and didn't realize they had decided to euthanize her. Against both our wishes.
Just want to hold on to someone for a while.
I don't get it. I'm nice, kind, loving and caring.
All I'm good for is fixing people's computers.
Guess this is the price I pay for letting those Drs kill my wife. I was tired and didn't realize they had decided to euthanize her. Against both our wishes.
Just want to hold on to someone for a while.
Creative writing
I randomly decided to try and write the most messed up thing I could manage. This is it.
Nightmares
Had a horrific nightmare last night.
Spider. Then more spiders. Came at me. I'm drowning in them. They are sucking me down. Beside a glass door. There are people on the other side watching me. They can help but they can't be bothered. They look in my direction but do nothing.
No need for interpretation there. Alone. No help. People who can.
Woke up. Went back to sleep.
Lava, filling the building. Can't escape. Trying to escape. Climbing.
Spider. Then more spiders. Came at me. I'm drowning in them. They are sucking me down. Beside a glass door. There are people on the other side watching me. They can help but they can't be bothered. They look in my direction but do nothing.
No need for interpretation there. Alone. No help. People who can.
Woke up. Went back to sleep.
Lava, filling the building. Can't escape. Trying to escape. Climbing.
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