Today I am lying to myself. Saying its always darkest before the dawn.
I'm so tired, I'm in so much pain, I'm so alone, I'm desperate to die.
Tried to reach out. Every ones busy.
My Daughter
Get in the car today, discover my daughter has carved I'm sad into the dashboard.
I get the cry for help. But FFS.
I get the cry for help. But FFS.
A last hug
Just sitting reading about hugging and I remembered the last hug I got from my wife. She was dying in a hospice bed. I broke down and told her I was going to miss her and I didn't know how I was going to cope. She came around for a moment, murmured oh sweetie and hugged me before going back under. I miss her so much right now. My life is so fucked up without her.
Heart
Heart has been giving me a hard time.
Gave in and went to hospital. The one where they killed my wife. Figured it wasn't enough to kill me but potentially enough to fuck me up even more.
I fucking hate hospitals. Held it together while I was in there but now I'm falling apart. In my bed. Alone.
I want someone to hug so badly right now.
Potential new girlfriend is telling me to suck it up. Makes me want to die even more.
I want compassionate. I wish there was someone out there with kindness. I just want someone I can hold when things get too dark.
Please. I don't want to live anymore. I'm sick of living in the pain from the rheumatoid arthritis, I'm sick of being alone, I'm sick of the stress from not making enough money, I'm sick of life.
Forced to go on because I have a daughter I must care for.
I am a fool
Why? Why did I think that despite everything I could help her and in turn she would help me?
Why? I am a stupid idiot. A lonely old fool.
I spent last night begging the universe to kill me.
Why? I am a stupid idiot. A lonely old fool.
I spent last night begging the universe to kill me.
I am a fool
Why? Why am I trying to experience love from the wrong place? It's a stupid delusion.
Maybe it's because it's the closest I have been to it for some time. So close to right but still wrong.
Maybe it's because it's the closest I have been to it for some time. So close to right but still wrong.
Fucking hurts.
Cancer is not trendy
Cancer is not trendy.
Let me say that again.
Cancer is NOT trendy.
Cancer is not smiling teens in bandannas,
Cancer is not walking around a track.
Cancer is not sitting happily in an armchair while some chemicals run in your arm.
And while you worry about the person with cancer, let me tell you what cancer is to the support person attached to them.
Cancer is cleaning blood out of the bathroom at 2 am because your partner sprung a leak in a vein.
Cancer is getting 2 hrs sleep each night for a week because shes up in pain and crying, then trying to function at work worried out of your tiny exhausted mind.
Cancer is trying to juggle appointments and work.
Cancer is running out of money trying to keep her going and stripping out the savings while smiling and telling her everything is ok.
Cancer is tearing through the credit cards because the savings are gone. Don't forget to smile. Everything is ok.
Cancer is telling the person at the welfare office the accounts aren't up to date because your accountant is in a hospice bed dying but thank you for taking the time to give me an urgent appointment even if you won't help.
Cancer is telling her that you will be ok when shes gone while you are falling to pieces.
Cancer is quietly wandering to the nurses station at the hospice and placing a do not resuscitate order on your wife because you have both decided its time to give up.
Cancer is trying to explain to people 2 days before your wife dies that you are not handing over custody of your daughter to them.
Cancer is cleaning vomit for hours because they gave her the wrong medication while you weren't looking. Again.
Cancer is begging for mercy from the drug companies because the hospital is refusing to supply the correct bandages and its killing your wife.
Cancer is falling apart for 2 years after she dies. Watching your company go to shit because you just don't have it in you to sort it.
Cancer is people criticizing your housekeeping abilities, you know its an unclean shithole but you just can't manage right now.
Cancer is people criticizing you for trying to move on with your life.
Cancer is NOT trendy.
Let me say that again.
Cancer is NOT trendy.
Cancer is not smiling teens in bandannas,
Cancer is not walking around a track.
Cancer is not sitting happily in an armchair while some chemicals run in your arm.
And while you worry about the person with cancer, let me tell you what cancer is to the support person attached to them.
Cancer is cleaning blood out of the bathroom at 2 am because your partner sprung a leak in a vein.
Cancer is getting 2 hrs sleep each night for a week because shes up in pain and crying, then trying to function at work worried out of your tiny exhausted mind.
Cancer is trying to juggle appointments and work.
Cancer is running out of money trying to keep her going and stripping out the savings while smiling and telling her everything is ok.
Cancer is tearing through the credit cards because the savings are gone. Don't forget to smile. Everything is ok.
Cancer is telling the person at the welfare office the accounts aren't up to date because your accountant is in a hospice bed dying but thank you for taking the time to give me an urgent appointment even if you won't help.
Cancer is telling her that you will be ok when shes gone while you are falling to pieces.
Cancer is quietly wandering to the nurses station at the hospice and placing a do not resuscitate order on your wife because you have both decided its time to give up.
Cancer is trying to explain to people 2 days before your wife dies that you are not handing over custody of your daughter to them.
Cancer is cleaning vomit for hours because they gave her the wrong medication while you weren't looking. Again.
Cancer is begging for mercy from the drug companies because the hospital is refusing to supply the correct bandages and its killing your wife.
Cancer is falling apart for 2 years after she dies. Watching your company go to shit because you just don't have it in you to sort it.
Cancer is people criticizing your housekeeping abilities, you know its an unclean shithole but you just can't manage right now.
Cancer is people criticizing you for trying to move on with your life.
Cancer is NOT trendy.
Hypocrite
The modern gentleman is a hypocrite.
I spend all my time telling people about quality, healthy relationships. I can't even maintain one myself. That's on the rare occasion I have come close to one.
I am a fraud.
I spend all my time telling people about quality, healthy relationships. I can't even maintain one myself. That's on the rare occasion I have come close to one.
I am a fraud.
Alone
Sick of being alone, sick of using alcohol as a crutch to get me through the night.
I don't get it. I'm nice, kind, loving and caring.
All I'm good for is fixing people's computers.
Guess this is the price I pay for letting those Drs kill my wife. I was tired and didn't realize they had decided to euthanize her. Against both our wishes.
Just want to hold on to someone for a while.
I don't get it. I'm nice, kind, loving and caring.
All I'm good for is fixing people's computers.
Guess this is the price I pay for letting those Drs kill my wife. I was tired and didn't realize they had decided to euthanize her. Against both our wishes.
Just want to hold on to someone for a while.
Creative writing
I randomly decided to try and write the most messed up thing I could manage. This is it.
Nightmares
Had a horrific nightmare last night.
Spider. Then more spiders. Came at me. I'm drowning in them. They are sucking me down. Beside a glass door. There are people on the other side watching me. They can help but they can't be bothered. They look in my direction but do nothing.
No need for interpretation there. Alone. No help. People who can.
Woke up. Went back to sleep.
Lava, filling the building. Can't escape. Trying to escape. Climbing.
Spider. Then more spiders. Came at me. I'm drowning in them. They are sucking me down. Beside a glass door. There are people on the other side watching me. They can help but they can't be bothered. They look in my direction but do nothing.
No need for interpretation there. Alone. No help. People who can.
Woke up. Went back to sleep.
Lava, filling the building. Can't escape. Trying to escape. Climbing.
Another tale
Sat down with a woman today. I like her. Shes so neat.
She told me of her ex husband. She said she could take the punches. She said she could take him smashing all of her precious things, her crockery. She said it was his tongue that hurt the most.
Why? Why do people have to be that way? Why?
I weep for society. I can see all of it's ills. I see all that is wrong. Yet I am the odd ball.
I am sorry any of you had to be treated that way. I'm sorry, I cant fix it. I have to play the stupid game too. Shuffle along like the good working class hero.
She told me of her ex husband. She said she could take the punches. She said she could take him smashing all of her precious things, her crockery. She said it was his tongue that hurt the most.
Why? Why do people have to be that way? Why?
I weep for society. I can see all of it's ills. I see all that is wrong. Yet I am the odd ball.
I am sorry any of you had to be treated that way. I'm sorry, I cant fix it. I have to play the stupid game too. Shuffle along like the good working class hero.
Blocks and a table.
I pass this place most days when I walk the dog, sometimes I sit at that table when I am low and watch the ocean for a while. Spray painted on one of the concrete blocks is RIP Kelly, I'm guessing it's the teen who killed herself. I have no idea who you are Kelly. I am sorry life was cruel to the point you were unable to live anymore.
Be Honest and open
Be honest and open they say. Fucking don't!!!!!! Its a trap. You relax and some ass will take it the wrong way and fucking crucify you. Then they get their friends on board to keep it going.
I caught some bullies doing it to my daughter once. They stood around her in a circle yelling at her while she crouched in the middle. Still happens as an adult. Pick on the autistic one.
Pack mentality of humans. Guess once upon a time it helped for survival. Still seems to be present.
Anyway, I opened up too much. Thought it would be a safe place. Stupid! Stupid! stupid!. Dear me. Do NOT air your personal life to anyone. Never, never, never. Just don't. Keep it in. keep it down.
Don't let it show.
I caught some bullies doing it to my daughter once. They stood around her in a circle yelling at her while she crouched in the middle. Still happens as an adult. Pick on the autistic one.
Pack mentality of humans. Guess once upon a time it helped for survival. Still seems to be present.
Anyway, I opened up too much. Thought it would be a safe place. Stupid! Stupid! stupid!. Dear me. Do NOT air your personal life to anyone. Never, never, never. Just don't. Keep it in. keep it down.
Don't let it show.
Patheticness
It's dumb.
I so badly want a woman to lay on my bed and let me hug her close to me. Just for a bit. Let me touch her. Hold her.
Meh, reality. Not happening anytime soon.
I so badly want a woman to lay on my bed and let me hug her close to me. Just for a bit. Let me touch her. Hold her.
Meh, reality. Not happening anytime soon.
Old wounds
So, there is a conference this weekend on cancer strategies. Government, Universities, Cancer Society.
I contacted some officials. Offered to send them the complaint I did when the hospital killed my wife. They accepted and now its going to be read out at the conference.
Had to open files I didn't want to see. But I did, and I will. I'll keep opening them and I'll keep going there. They need to see what they are doing to people. They need to fix it.
It felt like I was ripping open old wounds and bleeding again. There's no one to help ease the pain. Doing this alone once more. I'll keep doing it. Fuck my psyche. Minds pretty messed up already. Whats a few more cracks.
Wish they would help me cope. Guess they can't.
What becomes of the lonely warrior?
I contacted some officials. Offered to send them the complaint I did when the hospital killed my wife. They accepted and now its going to be read out at the conference.
Had to open files I didn't want to see. But I did, and I will. I'll keep opening them and I'll keep going there. They need to see what they are doing to people. They need to fix it.
It felt like I was ripping open old wounds and bleeding again. There's no one to help ease the pain. Doing this alone once more. I'll keep doing it. Fuck my psyche. Minds pretty messed up already. Whats a few more cracks.
Wish they would help me cope. Guess they can't.
What becomes of the lonely warrior?
Nice people get nothing.
Karma like most religious dribble is a fucking lie. Put there in an attempt to stop assholes from fucking up other people.
I am a good person. I have devoted so much of my life to helping others.
I bring technology to the poor so they have an opportunity to use it too.
I write to help people in or getting out of abusive relationships.
I even carry jumper cables in my car for when others need a start.
I have taken bags of groceries to people at midnight because they have no money and haven't eaten.
If someone needs me to stay up talking or needs to talk in the wee hours I am there.
.
Feeling suicidal? Talked a few people down from that place.
.
Feeling suicidal? Talked a few people down from that place.
I have snuck around to people's places and put cash in their letterbox just to help them have a nice day.
I do so much for so many people.
What do I get? To be alone.
Fuck the world.
Oh yeah. Happy birthday to me.
Work
I can't get my business back on its feet.
Last year I spent $4,000 more than I earned
The year before it was about the same.
One of my clients I have had for 19 years. It's a long time.
Tomorrow I go in to give my systems to another company.
The client has been cutting my budget year after year because they are losing money too.
They are going for a cheaper solution.
I'm kind of hoping it will bite them in the ass.
Last year I spent $4,000 more than I earned
The year before it was about the same.
One of my clients I have had for 19 years. It's a long time.
Tomorrow I go in to give my systems to another company.
The client has been cutting my budget year after year because they are losing money too.
They are going for a cheaper solution.
I'm kind of hoping it will bite them in the ass.
That's what she said
Everything here has been said to me. By women.
Shes too old.
Shes too young.
Shes too messed up.
You are too messed up.
You are too selfish.
You spend too much time thinking of others, its smothering
Shes a bit out of your league.
You are being a honey trap.
You need to harden up.
Stop wanting someone for the sake of wanting them.
You are manipulative
I cannot support or agree to you having a relationship
Shes too old.
Shes too young.
Shes too messed up.
You are too messed up.
You are too selfish.
You spend too much time thinking of others, its smothering
Shes a bit out of your league.
You are being a honey trap.
You need to harden up.
Stop wanting someone for the sake of wanting them.
You are manipulative
I cannot support or agree to you having a relationship
Virtues of the unwinnable fight
There were two of us. Now there is one.
She fell in the greatest unwinnable battle.
Why do you do it?
Why do you pick fights you cannot win?
Because its the right thing to do.
Because I promised I would go until I could go no more.
The battles have cut you so deep.
My scars tell a journey of where I have been.
You are broken, you are weary.
My head is bowed, my heart has been shattered, its true. Yet still I stand.
It's hurting you, you need to stop. There is nothing you can gain from this.
Ahh but there you are wrong.
I gain humility, knowing that I can be beaten.
I gain patience, knowing there will eventually be a conclusion.
I gain love, knowing I do this for others.
I gain empathy, knowing suffering I can understand others suffering.
I gain courage, knowing I can stand before impossible odds.
I gain honor, knowing I did the right thing.
So once more I stand. And fight the unwinnable fights.
Though I stand alone at the gates of hell I shall not turn away.
I have been here before.
Old wounds are opened time and again but you will not stop me.
Through the turmoil in my spirit.
Through the pain in my heart.
I WILL rise.
You will NOT stop me.
I do none of this for me.
I do it for you.
For the broken,
For the hurt,
For the downtrodden.
I cannot win. You don't take the world on and win.
But that does not mean I should take the easy way and give up.
I'm so tired. I am beginning to falter.
I get knocked down and get up over and over, but soon I will not be able to get up anymore.
I wonder if anyone will be there for me when I do.
Or is this the fate of the lonely warrior?
She fell in the greatest unwinnable battle.
Why do you do it?
Why do you pick fights you cannot win?
Because its the right thing to do.
Because I promised I would go until I could go no more.
The battles have cut you so deep.
My scars tell a journey of where I have been.
You are broken, you are weary.
My head is bowed, my heart has been shattered, its true. Yet still I stand.
It's hurting you, you need to stop. There is nothing you can gain from this.
Ahh but there you are wrong.
I gain humility, knowing that I can be beaten.
I gain patience, knowing there will eventually be a conclusion.
I gain love, knowing I do this for others.
I gain empathy, knowing suffering I can understand others suffering.
I gain courage, knowing I can stand before impossible odds.
I gain honor, knowing I did the right thing.
So once more I stand. And fight the unwinnable fights.
Though I stand alone at the gates of hell I shall not turn away.
I have been here before.
Old wounds are opened time and again but you will not stop me.
Through the turmoil in my spirit.
Through the pain in my heart.
I WILL rise.
You will NOT stop me.
I do none of this for me.
I do it for you.
For the broken,
For the hurt,
For the downtrodden.
I cannot win. You don't take the world on and win.
But that does not mean I should take the easy way and give up.
I'm so tired. I am beginning to falter.
I get knocked down and get up over and over, but soon I will not be able to get up anymore.
I wonder if anyone will be there for me when I do.
Or is this the fate of the lonely warrior?
Dating site fail realizations
OMG, talking with a friend and realize why I fail on dating sites on the rare occasion when I am contacted. I hate that crap small talk. I get bored with it and fail on the conversation.
Crap. I'm stuffed there.
Friday night. Alone again, naturally.
I spend so much time being everything for everyone. Tonight I don't need to be there for anyone. And then I realize how few are there for me. Everyone is busy.
I asked a friend to look at my profile on a dating site today. I have been active for months. 3 people have spoken to me and stopped talking to me pretty quickly. She goes on for 20 mins before shutting her account off. Gets 3 responses and a date. She didn't even mean to.
I am a piece of shit.
So far tonight I am a "fucking asshole", I am inconvenient, and I need to make my daughters fucking dinner (3 separate things).
I think I am nothing more than a convenience. Something to be used and discarded when not wanted.
Guess that's the price I pay for letting them kill my wife. I didn't fucking understand what they were doing but I should have. And now I pay. Doomed to be nothing more than others servants.
I think I am nothing more than a convenience. Something to be used and discarded when not wanted.
Guess that's the price I pay for letting them kill my wife. I didn't fucking understand what they were doing but I should have. And now I pay. Doomed to be nothing more than others servants.
Whats wrong with me?
Something is out of wack. I don't know. The depression is back. I can't shake it. I crave touch. All I want is to hold a loving woman. That is not to be. The few close to me are distant. They are going through their own issues.
Tonight loneliness is is my only friend.
I tried talking. It was wrong
I spent 2 years trying to open up. Trying to grow, be independent. I'm told I now talk too much. I need to learn how to stop after an appropriate amount of time. Oh and I am too negative and share too much.
I try to understand social stuff but its just baffling. There's some balance but I don't know what it is. I tried learning about it but now its all conflicting and I am confused.
I need to talk less. Maybe I need to completely shut up. I doubt people would notice if I stopped talking. I don't think its done me any favors.
I try to understand social stuff but its just baffling. There's some balance but I don't know what it is. I tried learning about it but now its all conflicting and I am confused.
I need to talk less. Maybe I need to completely shut up. I doubt people would notice if I stopped talking. I don't think its done me any favors.
Holiday Blues and random ramblings.
I feel so messed up. It's all just fucked up. Everything is just. I really really hate fucking life right now.
I was looking forward to my annual holiday. Rest and enjoyment. Its turned into a big deep pile of shit.
I think I'm becoming an alcoholic. I enjoy getting drunk at night way too much. No inclination to stop doing it despite knowing its wrong. Wonder how much more my stuffed liver can take. Must look up and see how painful liver failure is. Destruction of the working class hero, he imploded.
I fantasized about walking down to the ocean and just keep walking. I won't I'll look after my daughter. No intentional death.
Delusions and fantasies I wanted to live with got served to me with a big dose of reality yesterday. She's right, but she doesn't know how much it fucking hurt. Sometimes societal expectations suck. But its a world I am forced to live in. I have no choice but to live inside their rules. Trapped in their stupid game because I will be ruined if I don't play. A working class hero is something to be.
You have free will and free choice.
You can't do that!!!!
Be yourself.
No, not like that!!!!
Stop the world, I wanna get off. No more working class hero. But I have to.
Watching destruction from a distance. Forced to see it unfold. Able to help but stopped by society.
PTSD triggers today. Stupid things, dumb memories. Left to deal with it on my own. So much alone. I don't want to be alone. A working class hero is something to be.
They killed my wife, the 2 of them. Probably don't give a fuck. They get to go home to their comfortable lives. CAR5757 just experienced a sentinel event. Just a statistic, she was going to die anyway. Russian fuck can avoid me, if he stays in this city long enough I'll encounter him eventually. Probably won't be able to say anything though. A working class hero is something to be.
Once again I break. Broken and broken. I break until there are no more pieces to break, then they glue me together a bit so they can break me some more.
Maybe there is a god. If there is hes a sick fuck. Twisted and nasty. Ohhh I hope I get to see him. I will not be begging for forgiveness but demanding an apology.
I was looking forward to my annual holiday. Rest and enjoyment. Its turned into a big deep pile of shit.
I think I'm becoming an alcoholic. I enjoy getting drunk at night way too much. No inclination to stop doing it despite knowing its wrong. Wonder how much more my stuffed liver can take. Must look up and see how painful liver failure is. Destruction of the working class hero, he imploded.
I fantasized about walking down to the ocean and just keep walking. I won't I'll look after my daughter. No intentional death.
Delusions and fantasies I wanted to live with got served to me with a big dose of reality yesterday. She's right, but she doesn't know how much it fucking hurt. Sometimes societal expectations suck. But its a world I am forced to live in. I have no choice but to live inside their rules. Trapped in their stupid game because I will be ruined if I don't play. A working class hero is something to be.
You have free will and free choice.
You can't do that!!!!
Be yourself.
No, not like that!!!!
Stop the world, I wanna get off. No more working class hero. But I have to.
Watching destruction from a distance. Forced to see it unfold. Able to help but stopped by society.
PTSD triggers today. Stupid things, dumb memories. Left to deal with it on my own. So much alone. I don't want to be alone. A working class hero is something to be.
They killed my wife, the 2 of them. Probably don't give a fuck. They get to go home to their comfortable lives. CAR5757 just experienced a sentinel event. Just a statistic, she was going to die anyway. Russian fuck can avoid me, if he stays in this city long enough I'll encounter him eventually. Probably won't be able to say anything though. A working class hero is something to be.
Once again I break. Broken and broken. I break until there are no more pieces to break, then they glue me together a bit so they can break me some more.
Maybe there is a god. If there is hes a sick fuck. Twisted and nasty. Ohhh I hope I get to see him. I will not be begging for forgiveness but demanding an apology.
My shoes
I'm annoyed at my shoes. I got sick of terrible cheap shoes not lasting well, so this time around I got better ones. Paid more for them, but hey, long term quality pays for itself, right? Right?
Nope. They have only lasted as long as the cheap and nasty ones.
Sigh.
Nope. They have only lasted as long as the cheap and nasty ones.
Sigh.
Disappointment and alcohol
I have spent some time working with 17year old. Trying to show someone can care about her. Showing her life can be better.
Shes spending the weekend doing hard drugs. I feel disappointed. Both with her and with myself but I feel like a hypocrite, I would probably do the same if I could. I suck.
I'm sitting in a restaurant having dinner, at one of the tables a couple, late 20s, early 30's is also having dinner. I hear the man admonishing his partner for not eating the cauliflower. I see her trying to shrink down in her seat, hurt.
Why? Seriously. Why does he need to do that?
My daughter is still working to make my life hard. I don't now why shes like that.
Switching between feeling lonely and wanting to keep away from people.
I have been drinking too much. I decided to be sober for a bit. I'm not liking it. Particularly tonight. I want to drink again already. That's not good.
Shes spending the weekend doing hard drugs. I feel disappointed. Both with her and with myself but I feel like a hypocrite, I would probably do the same if I could. I suck.
I'm sitting in a restaurant having dinner, at one of the tables a couple, late 20s, early 30's is also having dinner. I hear the man admonishing his partner for not eating the cauliflower. I see her trying to shrink down in her seat, hurt.
Why? Seriously. Why does he need to do that?
My daughter is still working to make my life hard. I don't now why shes like that.
Switching between feeling lonely and wanting to keep away from people.
I have been drinking too much. I decided to be sober for a bit. I'm not liking it. Particularly tonight. I want to drink again already. That's not good.
Shitsmas
Well. That is another shit Xmas done and dusted.
The cat shat under the bathtub in a I don't know how I'm gonna clean it place, my sheets ripped. And I got to feel very alone. Spent a number of hours hiding in my bed. No one noticed.
Felt very very alone. Still do. Time to sleep I guess, the sooner I sleep the sooner it's not xmas.
My brain has holes
So yesterday I took my daughter and 17 yo to the zoo (she had never been to a zoo)
3 times I forgot her name. My daughter saw it once and reminded me her name. I have known her for months, talked to her plenty of times. My mind blanked.
Today I took my daughter to one of our favorite eateries. I got to the block where it was but I couldn't remember where in the block it was. I have been there so many times. But it wasn't in my brain.
Considering my sister has a brain tumor. I am a little worried.
3 times I forgot her name. My daughter saw it once and reminded me her name. I have known her for months, talked to her plenty of times. My mind blanked.
Today I took my daughter to one of our favorite eateries. I got to the block where it was but I couldn't remember where in the block it was. I have been there so many times. But it wasn't in my brain.
Considering my sister has a brain tumor. I am a little worried.
Stupid little things.
So I'm sitting in McDonalds And I'm looking at a young couple, full of enthusiasm for life. I'm looking at an elderly couple. Enjoying their twilight years. All these different couples. And suddenly I felt so down. Missing out on that progression from young couple to elderly couple.
If anyone reads this, cherish your partner. I truly hope you get to spend your life together having fun and get to grow old together. I hope you have all that I don't.
If anyone reads this, cherish your partner. I truly hope you get to spend your life together having fun and get to grow old together. I hope you have all that I don't.
Women
I was a virgin until I was 21. Women just weren't attracted to me. Very few are now too. I know many will think this crazy but until I was in my 20s I was convinced women hated sex. They only did it to shut the men up. Now I am in my mid 40s and I still have this niggling in the back of my mind that women still don't really like sex. It's strange because I have seen women in the throws of massive orgasms and they sure seem to be enjoying themselves, but that niggling feeling remains.
I have not had very many girlfriends. I can count them on one hand.
20 years ago I met my future wife. She was a broken thing, living in a broken old cottage. She suffered such abuse as a child and then moved on to an abusive relationship. But underneath the timid broken woman. I saw intelligence, caring, kindness. And a spark of passion.
I remember the first time I visited her. I knocked on her door unannounced, she opened it, saw me, screamed and slammed the door in my face. She refused to let me in. Eventually she came outside to me. For about 5 minutes. then she shooed me away and told me not to come back for a week. She said many years later she was so worried about her appearance and the state of her house she nearly broke down.
I did return a week later. Then more and more often. Things happened very quickly, and circumstances pushed us to move in together after quite a short amount of time. I always treated her gently and with compassion. I got to watch her bloom into a confident passionate woman. I don't know if it was ego or what. But I loved seeing her become who she was. Who she should have been all along.
In the 16 years we were together I never grew tired of going to bed with a woman and also waking up with one too. The niggle was always there. Why would a woman want me? It still persists today.
After 14 years, she found a lump in her breast. Things went downhill from there. So many medical mistakes. The cancer progressed very rapidly. 13 months after finding that lump I sat beside her as I watched her heart stop. She turned to me, took 2 breaths and died. 9:10am 21st of September. A moment burned into the core of my being. A stain on my soul.
Before she died she was unable to sleep in a bed. She had to spend her nights propped up on the sofa. I hated her not being there beside me at night. I missed her being there even more after she died. It was such a constant and a comfort in my life. No matter what the day bought that night there was a woman who wanted to spend the night next to me. That fact never, ever got old. I actually had trouble, even after all those years believing it. Yet there she was. Beside me.
After my wife died there was another woman. Again. Terrible father, terrible husband. But I saw that spark. The intelligence, the caring. It was too soon after my wife died though. I grabbed her and held on tight. Too tight. She needed space and I was holding on too hard. We realized the problems, and we dropped it down to best friends. I talk to her many, many times a day. Usually on the internet but we physically see each other every few weeks for a couple of hours.
I don't regret those relationships. The pain hurts sometimes but the love was worth it.
Now I'm going to bed. Alone.
I wrote this a while ago and refound it.
Advice to widowers....
Welcome to the widowers club, where membership can happen but no one wants it. I'm 1 1/2 years in, my wifes cancer was healing but the Drs screwed up and killed her. Half assed apology from the hospital. It's me and my now 11yo daughter. Some random thoughts.
If you can, take a few days out of your life and get blindingly drunk. Officially its a bad thing to do but it helps you process.
For the womens issues your daughter is on the cusp of dealing with don't even try to understand or help. Other women are the best to deal with pads and types etc. They are always willing to help a fellow sister with those issues.
You are unfortunately and fortunately about to find out who your real friends are. Some will surprise you. Ones you thought would be there aren't, ones who you didn't think would be there will be.
Sometimes you will get somewhere and not be able to get out of the car. Give up. Go home. It's normal.
Bed is a refuge. I lost a few days in there.
Kids are more resilient to these things but they will develop odd quirks (more so if your daughter has aspergers). Mine will sometimes pull off all the covers on her bed and insist on me making it for her. She is more than capable of making it. That's a queue I need to spend some more time with her. I make the bed, read her a story and then as soon as I can we go out for a day. Or even a dinner date.
Beach carparks are often deserted places during the week. Good quiet place to cry.
Yes, you want to die. Just remind yourself you will orphan your daughter. What a horrible thing to do to her.
St Johns wort can help take the edge off but it gave me nightmares worse than the depression. Vitamin B helps but only take it in the morning as it gives you insomnia. Ceiling staring at 2am sucks.
Get counselling if you can afford it. Mine had no good answers but they get paid for you to complain about the world.
Sometimes your daughter is going to need to talk. You need to be there for her and talk, even if its 11pm and you want to go to bed.
Berated for choices others made.
So the other night someone berated me for the choices my late wife made in her treatment. She blamed me for her choices. For making her do it. I never made her do anything. It was all her choice. I tried to tell her but I don't think she listened.
It was not the first time she had tried to say I exerted control over my wife.
I had to give up and unfriend her on facebook.
I stewed all night. Just couldn't sleep, all up I got 3.5hrs sleep. I'm still trying to recover.
It was not the first time she had tried to say I exerted control over my wife.
I had to give up and unfriend her on facebook.
I stewed all night. Just couldn't sleep, all up I got 3.5hrs sleep. I'm still trying to recover.
I want to run away
I want to run away from my life.
It's all too complicated.
But it's already so lonely.
I'm confused.
I'm stressed.
I feel guilt. So much guilt right now.
It's all too complicated.
But it's already so lonely.
I'm confused.
I'm stressed.
I feel guilt. So much guilt right now.
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