What am I supposed to be

Nice guys who are sweet apparently want to trap a woman.

Guys who aren't sweet are assholes.

Sometimes in life you just can't win.

Fuck knows.

Be yourself? Don't do it

"Be yourself". We hear it all the time. It's a lie. Don't do it. Being yourself just serves to upset people because you aren't what they wanted.

When they say be yourself or I want to see the real you what they mean is be more like I want you to be.

So go out there and fake it if you want to make it. Successful people are all fake. We know it but still love them.

Holding it in.

Feel like I'm holding in a lot of pain lately. It wants to come out.

I won't let it. Drive it down. Lock it away. That's what real men do.

Stupid dreams

I'm plagued by bad dreams. They won't go away.


Last night I'm trying to find a stamp (like put it on paper and push it down, ink transfers) that Polli left in the hospital. I'm in the room she was in at the hospital desperately trying to find this stamp. There's others there but not the one I want. The frustration builds, I have been looking and looking and its not there.
In the end I can't take it anymore, I fall to the floor and break down.

Sounds ridiculous now. But I'm recounting this and feeling like I want to fall apart.

I think I'm just frustrated with my life.

And tired. I'm so tired.

I'm still here

So here I am.

I'm getting my gardens back in order,
I'm tidying myself up in appearance.
I'm keeping the house maintained at a useable level (housework)

I'm managing this despite my continued want to give up.
I'm wading through the hurt, the pain. It hasn't gone away. I'm just walking with it hanging off me. Refusing to stop, even though I desperately want to.

Then some judgmental twat tells me I'm not getting the message and moving on.

Fuck her.

Monday

Monday.

Before me lays yet another week of drudgery.

Another week of me arguing with my daughter to get out of bed.

Another week of work.

Another week of housework.

Another week of depression.

Another week of debilitating fatigue.

Another week of existing.

Health

I think theirs an abscess forming in my upper jaw somewhere. The throbbing suggests it. It's not teeth because theirs nothing there.

My blood pressure is high.

I work to keep both at manageable levels. Sometimes I am tempted to stop managing it.



Instead I foolishly live in hope that things will somehow become better. Along with my stupid sense of honour and keeping my promise to look after Sophia.

Not a catch

I had hoped maybe I would be a catch. Someone might see I was a nice guy and everything.



I'm not.

I'm fat.
I'm ugly.
I'm moody.
I'm depressed.
I'm scruffy.
I'm sick.

I bring destruction.

Maybe its best if I walk alone.

People around me get hurt.

Something is wrong. People I work with. People I am close to. They either die or their lives get messed up.

Sharon. Brain aneurism
Jill. Lung cancer
Annette. Breast cancer
Felicity. Pneumonia

All had the office beside mine. Sharon survived. The effects are devistating and life long.

My sister. Multiple sclerosis
My father cancer.
My mother car crash
My wife cancer.
My best friend burst aorta.

So many.

I need to stay away from people.

Bed time

It's going to bed and spending the night on my own that hurts the most.

One more day

I don't want to do life any more.

Just sitting here. Being nothing, doing nothing.

Tried to work. Can't focus.

Alone. I'm alone. Isolated. Nothing more than some empty there there's from facebook. Not that I can talk. Its all I would do for others too.

We are all fucked up. All of us.

Over stressed.

Heart feels like its trying to pump rubbish.

Right arm feels weird.

Blood pressure this afternoon was 173/117

Meh. Que Sera Sera.

Trying to work

Its mid day. I haven't done anything.

I need to. Work is piling up.

All I'm doing is sitting here. Existing.

I'm tired. Tired of life. Tired of being alone. Tired of being in pain. Tired of being tired. Tired of the nightmares that infiltrate my dreams at the moment.

Presentation

Tomorrow I have a presentation / professional development to do.

I have no idea how I will cope. Just gotta hide the pain for a few hrs. And that's not easy right now.

I should prepare for it but I'm not going to. I'll wing it.

The big lie

I want to believe that Justice is real. That it exists. I want the people who killed my wife to be accountable for their actions. I want an apology.

But Justice. Mercy. Compassion. They are all lies. I know this. I just don't want to accept it.

I wanted to release the complaint to the hospital out to pollis friends. I want people to see it. To know what really happened. I'm frustrated. And I'm still hurting. Hurting so badly.

I want the pain to stop. My heart's hurting again.

I want it back

I want my life back. I want to have a reason to live. Not just to exist. I want to love and to be loved.

Is that so much to ask?

I can't have my wife but can't I have someone? Please?

Distraction tactics

So today I was heading down into a bad place so I distracted myself and bought a new phone. Yay credit cards.

It's mainly worked. I still feel like shit but I'm also busy.

Still wishing I could be here in bed holding a woman in my arms.

Facebook

I need to take a break from facebook. As much as I need company right now facebook is just soul sucking.

I wonder how long I can stay away from it.

The anniversary looms

So the 12 month anniversary of my wife's death is in less than a week. I didn't want to face it alone. I hoped maybe there would be someone special in my life.

It looks like this is not to be.

Once more I stand alone at the gates of hell.

Update. It just hit me. The loneliness the shit paralyzing year I have had.  I'm sitting outside. It's windy.  Not very pleasent and keeps trying to rain. But there's darkness. Huh. Hello darkness my old friend.

I shouldn't have started taking he hawthorn. By the time they figured out what was going on my organs would have shut down. Not a pleasent way to go probably but it would have been done.

Love

I want to love again. I want to be loved again. I want to wake up in the morning and hug the beautiful woman beside me.

Man was not born to cry alone.

Pain

I have drunk a couple of cans of blue v this week. It messes me up but I am addicted to it.  Because when I drink it, for half an hour the pain goes.

I live in constant pain. My joints. My back. Permanent headache. It's all gone for that 30 mins.

Shit I'm a messed up person. No wonder the women are staying away in droves.

Laying in bed thoughts

My blood pressure is going nuts. Won't be long before the blood noses starts again.

I'm laying there thinking about what would happen if it got really bad this time. What if I really did die. My one regret would be leaving my daughter to her own devices.

But I was not afraid to die.

Shower thoughts

Standing in the shower realising that the one person who really wanted to spend their life with you is gone and you can never get that back. 

It's a change I never wanted.

CFS, Stress and fatigue. The perfect storm

I feel like shit. I'm so tired and stressed. My blood pressure is through the roof. Its bordering on stage 3, (Stage 4 is crisis). 

I want to sleep. I want to stop. I just don't want to be for a week.

Get up! Get up! Bills to pay. Work to be done. House to clean. Go! Go! Go!

I bought Hawthorn today to try and control the blood pressure a bit. Part of me doesn't want to take it. I asked my friend (was the girlfriend) to talk me into taking it but shes busy tonight.

If I didn't have my daughter I could die. I'm sick of the pain. The grief. Feeling like shit. I want to die but I can't.

Company.

I spent the past 2 days helping my now friend zoned ex girlfriend. She came for dinner and for the evening. I asked her to stay the night. She turned me down. I may have been able to talk her into it if I pressed a little harder but I no longer attempt to manipulate others in that way. So I stood back and let her go.

Back to feeling lonely.

Still don't really want to live. Not that I live anymore. I simply exist.

Weird dreams

So last night I dreamed my late wife came into my bedroom and said "I'm back"! I said "no you aren't you are dead" she said "I'm not, I'm right here". I'm thinking that she lay in a coffin for 3 days after I saw her die. Then she climbed into bed. I was going to protest but I felt so needing of company. Any company that I didn't argue.

Didn't get a hug. I woke up before any contact.

I hate my psyche sometimes. Ok most of the time.

Suicide prevention day

So apparently it's suicide prevention day. Where people with depression are encouraged to open up. What a fucking joke. Opening up and saying how you feel in this country means you get ostracized which makes it worse.

Keep it in and keep it down.

Solitude

Making changes I don't want to make.

So yesterday I took my wifes name off my insurance.

Today I erased her phone.

Stupid little things. They hurt to do. It's been almost a year and the pain is still very raw at times. I had to make sure the photos were backed up into her account first. Some of them showed her cancer progression in its early stages. They hurt too.

No one to talk to about it. Feel alone.

Think I'll go hide in bed for a bit.

On this day by facebook

So facebook does an on this day so you can see what you were saying and thinking a year ago or two years or more.

But now it's showing me the stages of my wife dying. And I'm having to relive it over again. I tried to turn it off but it keeps coming back. I want it to stop. Please? Please make it stop. No more.

Full moon.

So it was a full moon. I sat outside and asked the moon if I could have some good things come my way, and it started to rain.

So I asked if I could at least find love, and clouds covered the moon so I could no longer see it.

Lonely

The loneliness is hitting again at the moment. I'm still on top of things which is good.

Got desperate and tried online dating sites. They are scary places.

The insomnia is back. Can't sleep at night. Exhausted all day.

Torn

I'm torn dear reader.  Sometimes I'm so lonely. I just want to climb into bed and snuggle someone close to me.

Other times I think maybe it's better that I remain single. It's less hassle and a lot less hurt. I'm over that kind of pain.

I don't know. I say that a lot don't I. But in this life it's been a lot of I simply don't know.

How are you?

What a shit weekend

So, my steam account gets hacked, my router fries itself and one of my best mates dies.

Then I get friendzoned by my girlfriend.

Sheesh.


On the bright side the weather was good enough that I got some gardening in.

She left me.

My girlfriend has demoted me to friend status. We still talk but thats where it ends now. She has some medical issues and life in the way issues she needs to deal with.


The loneliness just became a whole lot bigger. I want to turn to social media for comfort of friends but I have already learnt that they don't want to be there for the bad times. only the good.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUC6sAXza_k

The new way to help people grieve

So, the new way to help people get over their partner dying is to fuck off and leave them to it. Then when they get sad and lonely they feel justified, they can go "see? He just needs space".


This world is fucked up and I'm not so sure if I want to be an active member in it any more. I need to win the lottery and disappear from it.


Its a strange new world. It's become a badge of honor, being alone. Where we are expected to connect using social media rather than actual contact. I wonder how long before people start to notice the relationship between this new alone phenomenon and the massive surge in suicide. Will we get used to being solitary creatures or will we figure it out? Probably the rates will continue to climb and people will shake their heads and just accept it.

A thought. Or an observation

The ones quickest to point out your psychological shortcomings tend to be the ones who are running from their own issues.

That should be a meme....... hmmmm

Bullies and suicide

It was a rough end of the day dear reader. My daughter who is homeschool and aspie went to a birthday party with regular schoolers. Any thoughts we had of her being ready for regular school have now been put to rest. They bullied her mercilessly. Poor thing when she got home was working hard to hold back the tears. This kid doesn't cry. Not even at her mother's funeral.

Amongst it she said something that made me hesitate. She said "I want to die". The amount of thoughts that can go through ones mind in a single moment can be huge some times. You see, I don't let this go outside of my head often but I want to die too.

I suffer from physical pain. I try not to show how bad it is. My back my shoulders my wrist my ankles and other places. Constant headaches. They hurt. I'm always in pain. Then theirs the crushing loneliness too. That sometimes hurts more than my physical pain. And the bills. So many bills. Taxes, mortgage, food, power it goes on and on.

I even know how I would do it. And where.

But I won't.  I made a promise to my wife as she lay dying. And for some stupid reason of honour I will keep that promise that I will look after and nurture our daughter as best as I can. 

I wish I could end it. End the pain. The loneliness and the fear.

I'm so alone right now, laying here in bed. The nights are the hardest.

How my Friday night feels.

*Sighs

Alone

Even Eeyore got visitors.

In the past month I have had exactly 0 evening visitors. Despite occasional invites I have made to people to dinner or watch a movie. Not. one. person. I even made it clear I was feeling alone. No one. Guess Edward is only wanted when hes useful for fixing a computer.

Cancer Survivors Guilt

So now we have people who actually did survive cancer all upset because they made it and others didn't. You people suck. You won. You survived, you get to carry on. Your guilt upsets me more than the ones who fought back and now carry on. You got a 2nd chance. Wallowing over that is a total insult to those who lost.

Piss off.

Is it really so much to ask?

Good guys lose.

Group for those who had lost a loved one to cancer.

So, it was suggested I sign up to a group of people who had lost a loved one to cancer. I did it. Nice people, and it was kind of nice to see they were all experiencing the same feelings of isolation and loneliness. But then it got too much. Relentless reminders of how lonely I feel right now. Reminders of how the nights are the worst. And of course they wanted to know my history.

Not such a good night tonight.

I got ranty on facebook

Then I forgot it was there. Fuck it it can stay. This is what I said....


 I see this stuff posted all over the place. Need help with Depression? Suicidal? Cancer? I'll be there claim the statuses. 
Bullshit. You reach out and there are so few there. 

Having issues? Feeling down? Put it out there and get called Eeyore (yes, it has happened). 

That's why there's so much suicide in this country,. everyone is told to "man up". Want counselling because your wife died? Sure. Here's 6 sessions. Make sure you are cured by then because that's all you qualify for. Oh, the hospital screwed up and killed your wife before her time? Sorry, here's another couple of sessions for free. 

Business going under because you are having trouble working due to grief? Use a credit card. There's no help for you. 

The only reason I am still here is because I promised my wife before she died I would look after our daughter.

too much

It all became too much today.

I saw a memory post on facebook, which I mentioned in the last post. And my day just fell down.


I'm so lonely. I thought I could do it alone. In time I guess I can. but today I couldn't I almost lost it in the supermarket. I made it out and sat in the car for 15mins getting over it. Grabbed the daughter on the way home and went to bed for a few hrs.


Days like this I wish there was help. But there isn't. So I break a bit more. When will the breaking stop?

Facebooks on this day and hindsight with 20/20 vision

So today on my on this day on facebook I can see on the feed a post about how my wife was doing 12 months ago. I now know that what I thought was menopause was in fact the infection that would kill her less than 2 months later was taking hold.

If only I had known then.

I failed my wife, right when we were starting to win.

I want someone to hold me right now. Tell me life is going to get better. But theres no one here. I'm alone. Paying for my failure.

Days like this I don't want to be here anymore.



And now comes up how people who survived cancer feel guilt. Seriously???? Survivors guilt? There's a fuck of a lot worse than survivors guilt.

I think I broke?

Today was an odd day.

I didn't realise it till later but I haven't been nearly as sad and lonely as usual.

Thinking about it right now. I'm not totally bothered that I'm alone. Sure, someone to share my world with would be nice but it's not all encompassing.

Today I had an odd thought while I was out weeding the garden. Sorry, it's about to get intamate. I can't remember how heavy my girlfriends breasts are. If I imagine sneaking up behind her and pretending to be her bra I simply can't remember their weight. Or what they look like. The synapses that store that info in my brain are simply closing down.

In a way that bothers me. But in another way I think it's good.  My brain appears to be moving on. Tonight I realised that I'm not even wondering if she will be back soon.  I'm simply not caring.

It's strange. I haven't felt this way in many many years. I'm still full of grief.  I think that is going to remain for dome time but I think I am moving on finally. 

I wonder if I'll still want her when she arrives back and I  see her. Weird.

What's new?

Been wondering what to write. Right now it's a bundle of same shit different day.

I'm starting to pull my emotions back in. Lock them away. It's taking some work.

I'm munching down a range of natural antidepressants. I think it's taking the edge off. I don't know. Sometimes I'm ok. Other times I'm falling to pieces.

Here's a conspiracy theory for you.

My wife was an admin on a tppa action board. And she was an alternative healer who was quite public.

A local dr here was also an admin on the same tppa action board and publicly into alterative healing.

Both died in circumstances that just aren't right. Something wrong about both their deaths. They were ruled terminal disease and accidental. I know that was not how it was in either of them.

So many alternative healers dying in strange ways.