Done

Me: Please universe. Please, it's too much. Please, I just want some kindness.

Universe: buckle up bitch, I got plenty more shit to throw at you. You might be wishing you are dead, wait till you are down on your knees begging me to end it. And then I'll find new ways to torment you.

Fuck them all!!!!

Free will

How much of our lives are free will and how much is external forces manipulating until they get their way?

Messed up

You have no idea

Madness

I have lost a bit of my sanity along the way.

It doesn't bother me that much. I think I could do with losing a bit more. I'm liking crazy people more than I used too.

I'm more than this.

Am I wrong?

I was so careful. I checked, double checked. Over and over I checked.

But maybe I was wrong. Could I have been duped by a master at manipulation? Is she that good?

Is she still doing it? Is she finished with me? Is it manipulation?

If its not then that's scary too.

I don't know. And I cannot talk to anyone about it.

I know how to fix me. It's not by telling me I need to fix myself.

I'm bullshitting myself

Today I am lying to myself. Saying its always darkest before the dawn.

I'm so tired, I'm in so much pain, I'm so alone, I'm desperate to die.

Tried to reach out. Every ones busy.

My Daughter

Get in the car today, discover my daughter has carved I'm sad into the dashboard.

I get the cry for help. But FFS.

A last hug

Just sitting reading about hugging and I remembered the last hug I got from my wife. She was dying in a hospice bed. I broke down and told her I was going to miss her and I didn't know how I was going to cope. She came around for a moment, murmured oh sweetie and hugged me before going back under. I miss her so much right now. My life is so fucked up without her.

The Demons are back

Heart

Heart has been giving me a hard time.

Gave in and went to hospital. The one where they killed my wife. Figured it wasn't enough to kill me but potentially enough to fuck me up even more.

I fucking hate hospitals. Held it together while I was in there but now I'm falling apart. In my bed. Alone.

I want someone to hug so badly right now.

Potential new girlfriend is telling me to suck it up. Makes me want to die even more.

I want compassionate. I wish there was someone out there with kindness. I just want someone I can hold when things get too dark.

Please. I don't want to live anymore. I'm sick of living in the pain from the rheumatoid arthritis, I'm sick of being alone, I'm sick of the stress from not making enough money, I'm sick of life.

Forced to go on because I have a daughter I must care for.

Blood Pressure

My BP is 2 points away from stage 4.

I'm feeling kinda happy about that.

Dying

The urge to end it is growing stronger. I hope something good happens before it consumes me.

Movies

I can't sit and watch movies in the lounge any more. I try. Couldn't figure it out. After persisting I found it makes me sad sitting there on my own.

I am a fool

Why? Why did I think that despite everything I could help her and in turn she would help me?

Why? I am a stupid idiot. A lonely old fool.

I spent last night begging the universe to kill me.

Torment

I am a fool

Why? Why am I trying to experience love from the wrong place? It's a stupid delusion.
Maybe it's because it's the closest I have been to it for some time. So close to right but still wrong.

Fucking hurts.

Cancer is not trendy

Cancer is not trendy.
Let me say that again.
Cancer is NOT trendy.
Cancer is not smiling teens in bandannas,
Cancer is not walking around a track.
Cancer is not sitting happily in an armchair while some chemicals run in your arm.
And while you worry about the person with cancer, let me tell you what cancer is to the support person attached to them.
Cancer is cleaning blood out of the bathroom at 2 am because your partner sprung a leak in a vein.
Cancer is getting 2 hrs sleep each night for a week because shes up in pain and crying, then trying to function at work worried out of your tiny exhausted mind. 
Cancer is trying to juggle appointments and work.
Cancer is running out of money trying to keep her going and stripping out the savings while smiling and telling her everything is ok.
Cancer is tearing through the credit cards because the savings are gone. Don't forget to smile. Everything is ok.
Cancer is telling the person at the welfare office the accounts aren't up to date because your accountant is in a hospice bed dying but thank you for taking the time to give me an urgent appointment even if you won't help.
Cancer is telling her that you will be ok when shes gone while you are falling to pieces.
Cancer is quietly wandering to the nurses station at the hospice and placing a do not resuscitate order on your wife because you have both decided its time to give up.
Cancer is trying to explain to people 2 days before your wife dies that you are not handing over custody of your daughter to them.
Cancer is cleaning vomit for hours because they gave her the wrong medication while you weren't looking. Again.
Cancer is begging for mercy from the drug companies because the hospital is refusing to supply the correct bandages and its killing your wife.
Cancer is falling apart for 2 years after she dies. Watching your company go to shit because you just don't have it in you to sort it.
Cancer is people criticizing your housekeeping abilities, you know its an unclean shithole but you just can't manage right now.
Cancer is people criticizing you for trying to move on with your life.

Cancer is NOT trendy.

Hypocrite

The modern gentleman is a hypocrite.

I spend all my time telling people about quality, healthy relationships. I can't even maintain one myself. That's on the rare occasion I have come close to one.

I am a fraud.

Alone

Sick of being alone, sick of using alcohol as a crutch to get me through the night.
I don't get it. I'm nice, kind, loving and caring.
All I'm good for is fixing people's computers.

Guess this is the price I pay for letting those Drs kill my wife. I was tired and didn't realize they had decided to euthanize her. Against both our wishes.

Just want to hold on to someone for a while.

Creative writing

I randomly decided to try and write the most messed up thing I could manage. This is it.

Harsh Lessons

Evolution

Nightmares

Had a horrific nightmare last night.

Spider. Then more spiders. Came at me. I'm drowning in them. They are sucking me down. Beside a glass door. There are people on the other side watching me. They can help but they can't be bothered. They look in my direction but do nothing.


No need for interpretation there. Alone. No help. People who can.

Woke up. Went back to sleep.

Lava, filling the building. Can't escape. Trying to escape. Climbing.

Another tale

Sat down with a woman today. I like her. Shes so neat.

She told me of her ex husband. She said she could take the punches. She said she could take him smashing all of her precious things, her crockery. She said it was his tongue that hurt the most.

Why? Why do people have to be that way? Why?

I weep for society. I can see all of it's ills. I see all that is wrong. Yet I am the odd ball.

I am sorry any of you had to be treated that way. I'm sorry, I cant fix it. I have to play the stupid game too. Shuffle along like the good working class hero.

Blocks and a table.

I pass this place most days when I walk the dog, sometimes I sit at that table when I am low and watch the ocean for a while. Spray painted on one of the concrete blocks is RIP Kelly, I'm guessing it's the teen who killed herself. I have no idea who you are Kelly. I am sorry life was cruel to the point you were unable to live anymore. 

changes

Need to change, need to get out of this hole.

Be Honest and open

Be honest and open they say. Fucking don't!!!!!! Its a trap. You relax and some ass will take it the wrong way and fucking crucify you. Then they get their friends on board to keep it going.

I caught some bullies doing it to my daughter once. They stood around her in a circle yelling at her while she crouched in the middle. Still happens as an adult. Pick on the autistic one.

Pack mentality of humans. Guess once upon a time it helped for survival. Still seems to be present.

Anyway, I opened up too much. Thought it would be a safe place. Stupid! Stupid! stupid!. Dear me. Do NOT air your personal life to anyone. Never, never, never. Just don't. Keep it in. keep it down.

Don't let it show.

Patheticness

It's dumb.

I so badly want a woman to lay on my bed and let me hug her close to me. Just for a bit. Let me touch her. Hold her.

Meh, reality. Not happening anytime soon.

Love.

Old wounds

So, there is a conference this weekend on cancer strategies. Government, Universities, Cancer Society.

I contacted some officials. Offered to send them the complaint I did when the hospital killed my wife. They accepted and now its going to be read out at the conference.

Had to open files I didn't want to see. But I did, and I will. I'll keep opening them and I'll keep going there. They need to see what they are doing to people. They need to fix it.

It felt like I was ripping open old wounds and bleeding again. There's no one to help ease the pain. Doing this alone once more. I'll keep doing it. Fuck my psyche. Minds pretty messed up already. Whats a few more cracks.

Wish they would help me cope. Guess they can't.


What becomes of the lonely warrior?

Nice people get nothing.

Karma like most religious dribble is a fucking lie. Put there in an attempt to stop assholes from fucking up other people.

I am a good person. I have devoted so much of my life to helping others.

I bring technology to the poor so they have an opportunity to use it too.

I write to help people in or getting out of abusive relationships.

I even carry jumper cables in my car for when others need a start.

I have taken bags of groceries to people at midnight because they have no money and haven't eaten.

If someone needs me to stay up talking or needs to talk in the wee hours I am there.
.
Feeling suicidal? Talked a few people down from that place.

I have snuck around to people's places and put cash in their letterbox just to help them have a nice day.

I do so much for so many people.

What do I get?  To be alone.

Fuck the world.

Oh yeah. Happy birthday to me. 

:(

Please. I don't want to live anymore.

Broken

Lonely Warrior

Alone

Work

I can't get my business back on its feet.
Last year I spent $4,000 more than I earned
The year before it was about the same.

One of my clients I have had for 19 years. It's a long time.

Tomorrow I go in to give my systems to another company.
The client has been cutting my budget year after year because they are losing money too.
They are going for a cheaper solution.

I'm kind of hoping it will bite them in the ass.

That's what she said

Everything here has been said to me. By women.

Shes too old.

Shes too young.

Shes too messed up.

You are too messed up.

You are too selfish.

You spend too much time thinking of others, its smothering

Shes a bit out of your league.

You are being a honey trap.

You need to harden up.

Stop wanting someone for the sake of wanting them.

You are manipulative

I cannot support or agree to you having a relationship

It was here a minute ago.

Virtues of the unwinnable fight

There were two of us. Now there is one.
She fell in the greatest unwinnable battle.

Why do you do it?
Why do you pick fights you cannot win?

Because its the right thing to do.
Because I promised I would go until I could go no more.

The battles have cut you so deep.

My scars tell a journey of where I have been.

You are broken, you are weary.

My head is bowed, my heart has been shattered, its true. Yet still I stand.

It's hurting you, you need to stop. There is nothing you can gain from this.

Ahh but there you are wrong.
I gain humility, knowing that I can be beaten.
I gain patience, knowing there will eventually be a conclusion.
I gain love, knowing I do this for others.
I gain empathy, knowing suffering I can understand others suffering.
I gain courage, knowing I can stand before impossible odds.
I gain honor, knowing I did the right thing.
So once more I stand. And fight the unwinnable fights.

Though I stand alone at the gates of hell I shall not turn away.
I have been here before.
Old wounds are opened time and again but you will not stop me.
Through the turmoil in my spirit.
Through the pain in my heart.
I WILL rise.
You will NOT stop me.

I do none of this for me.
I do it for you.
For the broken,
For the hurt,
For the downtrodden.
I cannot win. You don't take the world on and win.
But that does not mean I should take the easy way and give up.

I'm so tired. I am beginning to falter.
I get knocked down and get up over and over, but soon I will not be able to get up anymore.
I wonder if anyone will be there for me when I do.
Or is this the fate of the lonely warrior?

Lessons

Dating site fail realizations

OMG, talking with a friend and realize why I fail on dating sites on the rare occasion when I am contacted. I hate that crap small talk. I get bored with it and fail on the conversation.

Crap. I'm stuffed there.

Friday night. Alone again, naturally.

I spend so much time being everything for everyone. Tonight I don't need to be there for anyone. And then I realize how few are there for me. Everyone is busy.


I asked a friend to look at my profile on a dating site today. I have been active for months. 3 people have spoken to me and stopped talking to me pretty quickly. She goes on for 20 mins before shutting her account off. Gets 3 responses and a date. She didn't even mean to.

I am a piece of shit.

So far tonight I am a "fucking asshole", I am inconvenient, and I need to make my daughters fucking dinner (3 separate things).

I think I am nothing more than a convenience. Something to be used and discarded when not wanted.

Guess that's the price I pay for letting them kill my wife. I didn't fucking understand what they were doing but I should have. And now I pay. Doomed to be nothing more than others servants.

Whats wrong with me?

Something is out of wack. I don't know. The depression is back. I can't shake it. I crave touch. All I want is to hold a loving woman. That is not to be. The few close to me are distant. They are going through their own issues.
Tonight loneliness is is my only friend.

I tried talking. It was wrong

I spent 2 years trying to open up. Trying to grow, be independent. I'm told I now talk too much. I need to learn how to stop after an appropriate amount of time. Oh and I am too negative and share too much.

I try to understand social stuff but its just baffling. There's some balance but I don't know what it is. I tried learning about it but now its all conflicting and I am confused.

I need to talk less. Maybe I need to completely shut up. I doubt people would notice if I stopped talking. I don't think its done me any favors.

Holiday Blues and random ramblings.

I feel so messed up. It's all just fucked up. Everything is just. I really really hate fucking life right now.

I was looking forward to my annual holiday. Rest and enjoyment. Its turned into a big deep pile of shit.

I think I'm becoming an alcoholic. I enjoy getting drunk at night way too much. No inclination to stop doing it despite knowing its wrong. Wonder how much more my stuffed liver can take. Must look up and see how painful liver failure is. Destruction of the working class hero, he imploded.

I fantasized about walking down to the ocean and just keep walking. I won't I'll look after my daughter. No intentional death.

Delusions and fantasies I wanted to live with got served to me with a big dose of reality yesterday. She's right, but she doesn't know how much it fucking hurt. Sometimes societal expectations suck. But its a world I am forced to live in. I have no choice but to live inside their rules. Trapped in their stupid game because I will be ruined if I don't play. A working class hero is something to be.

You have free will and free choice.
You can't do that!!!!

Be yourself.
No, not like that!!!!

Stop the world, I wanna get off. No more working class hero. But I have to.

Watching destruction from a distance. Forced to see it unfold. Able to help but stopped by society.

PTSD triggers today. Stupid things, dumb memories. Left to deal with it on my own. So much alone. I don't want to be alone. A working class hero is something to be.

They killed my wife, the 2 of them. Probably don't give a fuck. They get to go home to their comfortable lives. CAR5757 just experienced a sentinel event. Just a statistic, she was going to die anyway. Russian fuck can avoid me, if he stays in this city long enough I'll encounter him eventually. Probably won't be able to say anything though. A working class hero is something to be.

Once again I break. Broken and broken. I break until there are no more pieces to break, then they glue me together a bit so they can break me some more.

Maybe there is a god. If there is hes a sick fuck. Twisted and nasty. Ohhh I hope I get to see him. I will not be begging for forgiveness but demanding an apology.