Low. Again

I hate being alone.

*Drops mic. Walks off.

Nightmares

It's been over a year. When will the nightmares stop?

On the upside at least I get to see my wife in them sometimes.

I dont want to be here anymore

If I didn't have a daughter to look after I would be free of this world.

Free from the pain.
Free from the fatigue
Free from the loneliness
Free from the stress

Eternal sleep.

But tomorrow I shall drag myself out of bed and go to my drugery of work and life.

Not working today

I give. I'm not working today. Stress and overdoing it has all come to a head.

I'm tired and I'm in pain. I just can't do it.

But I need to. I'm so short of money.

I don't know. I just don't know.

Need to win the lottery.

Update:

I didn't win the lottery.

I dragged myself into the world and did a couple of hrs work.

The muscle in my calf tore. I'm in more pain now.

It's making me even more depressed and lonely.

Too much today.

I've been working myself too hard helping my not girlfriend with a big project. I have been in pain for 3 days straight. Stupid rheumatoid arthritis.

That and a reminder that it's been 1year and 8 weeks since I lost my wife.

My daughter is refusing to help around the house and I'm too tired to fight.

A day at the pool. It's so loud and hot in there.

Stress about money

It's too much. I'm feeling down. And alone.

I miss her so much right now.

I asked for help. The opposite happened

So last night I asked the universe if I could have some good come my way.

I had a terrible nightmare.

My wife was in the hospital but I couldn't find her. Everything was changed around.

I managed to find a nurse who was one of the ones looking after her. She said they we're operating on her. I said they weren't. And they weren't going to. A part of me was reminding myself she was already dead.

I knew she was in distress and I wanted to get to her. Help her, but I couldn't.

I woke up with my body in shock. It was shaking.

Then this morning I backed into another car. The other car is ok. Mine is damaged. Probably hundreds. And my money is so low.

If you won't help me universe can I have a quick painless but dignified end instead?

I'm so low. I'm so alone. I don't want to do life anymore.

PTSD Inducing dreams

Spent the night trying to find my wife in the hospital, but I was lost. It had changed. Then spotted her nurses. They were telling me she had been operated on. I was trying to say she hadn't and she was going to die because they didn't and they wouldn't and it was going to kill her.

They had her in the wrong area, and I couldn't get to her. I knew she would be stressing but I couldn't be there for her.

I woke up shaking. Upset.


FML.

So low today

I'm feeling so down today.

I drove past the turn off to go to the place I will suicide if I ever go through with it. The temptation was stronger than it should have been. Luckily I don't have the hoses in my car to do it.

I haven't felt this low in months. I'm sitting here in a carpark. I want to cry for no reason.

Life is shit. I feel alone and stressed over money. I don't want to live anymore. There's no one to reach out to. Just gotta bottle it up and pretend it's fine.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone.

I had the shits a few nights ago and I stopped it with a single codiene. I wonder if that's causing the depression.

Who knows.

Not the worst day ever. Just a plain bad day

So things went wrong all day.

The server I was trying to repair after 10hrs I had to give in. It's not worth repairing.

My not girlfriend who was coming for the afternoon and night had to make it the afternoon and evening. Then just the evening and in the end she had to give it a miss. Maybe tomorrow.

Then I ate dinner. My IBS is giving me a hard time and I spent over an hour in the toilet. I had a shower, got half way and had to get out and go back to the toilet.

I took codiene in the hope it will block me up. It's helping but I still feel uncomfortable.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Next day update. She ate food she knew didn't agree with her so she's not coming again. And she's tied up all weekend.

I'm feeling a bit low right now.

Lessons and learning

Most of the time learning things is good. We learn to walk. We learn the feel of sunlight. We learn to play. We learn to drive.

Then there are other lessons. Sitting in Subway on Sunday my daughter  learned what a seizure looked like when someone collapsed. She learned how long it feels waiting the agonizing few minutes for an ambulance to arrive.

Life is full of lessons we don't want to learn. What it's like to watch helplessly as your partner slips away. What's a sentinal event is. Just how much blood pumps out of the body after a head is ripped off. How trust can be broken by those you should be able to trust.

I guess we must learn the good lessons and the bad ones. But there are some lessons I sure would rather have never learned.

I hope life has more nice lessons than bad ones for you all. I guess that's the most any of us can hope for.

Some days are just hard.

Had someone ask how I lost my wife, so I told them.

Bumped into the midwife who was there at the birth of my daughter. She wanted to know how I was doing without my wife.

At the pool with the homeschoolers. people asking how I was getting on without my wife.

Sometimes it wears me down.

I'm at home alone with my daughter having a sleep over.


I feel so alone tonight. I need to go to bed. I'm exhausted. I don't want to. Theres nothing there but emptiness.

Just have to. Shower and bed. I hate being alone in that bed.


Gotta do it.

It gets taken from me

Today should have been a good day. Promises of a picnic, hugs, love. A movie. Then someone to share my bed. Sex is out which I hate but at least there's comfort, touch. Just a short spell where I can pretend things are right.


She cancels. Needs to stay home. Doesn't trust herself, needs to get things done.

I held myself together for days thinking of this night. It never happened.


Had to go to the supermarket. Saw the head of the hospital there. I'm sure she has no idea who Polli was. I doubt she cares.

Bumped into my crazy ex neighbours. Nice enough people but they are nuts. The girl had cancer but shes fine now. Nice for them. I felt a touch of envy.

It all hit me after the supermarket. Just couldn't take it any more. I'm still sick and that's not helping.

I'm tired, depressed and alone. Again.

I tried saying I was having a hard time on facebook. Maybe people would reach out. No one did. Of course. Still trying to learn that one. Dear me, No one gives a fuck about the bad times. Please remember that in future.

I went out to talk to the night.
I asked why? Why is it that every little thing that's good, even the fleeting moments gets taken away from me. And why do I have to have reminders of the few things I had that I have lost. Why do I get them rubbed into my face? Why am I taunted so?


But of course there was no answer.


Sick of living this life. Sick of the emotional and physical pain. Sick of it all.

Sudden Lonliness

Just want a hug. For no reason.

I'm still sick but I have to work. Its not easy pushing through the fuzzyness. But I have to. No sick leave and I have lost almost a week.

I stopped taking the St Johns wort as an antidepressant. Turns out it was giving me nightmares.


We shall see if I can keep the depression away without it.

Im sick.

I have an abcess. It's poisoning my blood. Weakening me. Now I also have the flu. Making it doubly worse.

Then my PTSD gets triggered.

Life is so cruel. Why. Why must I face this over and over?

I thought I was adjusting to this feeling of being alone. Right now it's hurting. Hurting a lot.

I'm a good person. I help so many others in need. Why does all this shit have to get thrown at me. And why must I do it alone?

Here comes another wave

I'm sick, my daughters sick. I'm tired and I'm broke.

One of the few people I could talk to has decided its time I stopped being negative. Shes probably right but now I have no one to talk to when I get low. 

I feel so alone tonight.

Empty rooms. Empty chairs at empty tables. Empty soul, Broken heart.

Only Parent Issues

So, My daughters regular carer is having 2 weeks off.

Shes just come back from her friends place where she could have stayed a few nights.
Her other friend is out of town. Although they would only have coped for a couple hrs for 1 day.

The person I had lined up and prepaid has bailed on me.

The only other person will want quite a bit of money and I'm plain out. I haven't been paid in weeks and I'm down to credit cards.

I'm a bit fucked.

Trolls

So some random ass on facebook starts commenting on how my late wife was fat and thats why she died. He goes through a number of my posts and comments on them.


Humans suck sometimes.


Update: I complained to facebook but they felt it was ok and did nothing about it.

Friday night

Friday nights were the best. That's when my wife and I would watch tv together. Just a nice quiet evening together.

Then on Saturday we would spend the day hanging out. Go to a market, just muck around home whatever.

I miss her a lot. Especially on Friday night and Saturday :(


Hate feeling alone like this. When will it pass?

Triggers

When do I stop being triggered? Talked about having to write the letter to the hospital tonight.

Now I feel like shit and alone.

What am I supposed to be

Nice guys who are sweet apparently want to trap a woman.

Guys who aren't sweet are assholes.

Sometimes in life you just can't win.

Fuck knows.

Be yourself? Don't do it

"Be yourself". We hear it all the time. It's a lie. Don't do it. Being yourself just serves to upset people because you aren't what they wanted.

When they say be yourself or I want to see the real you what they mean is be more like I want you to be.

So go out there and fake it if you want to make it. Successful people are all fake. We know it but still love them.

Holding it in.

Feel like I'm holding in a lot of pain lately. It wants to come out.

I won't let it. Drive it down. Lock it away. That's what real men do.

Stupid dreams

I'm plagued by bad dreams. They won't go away.


Last night I'm trying to find a stamp (like put it on paper and push it down, ink transfers) that Polli left in the hospital. I'm in the room she was in at the hospital desperately trying to find this stamp. There's others there but not the one I want. The frustration builds, I have been looking and looking and its not there.
In the end I can't take it anymore, I fall to the floor and break down.

Sounds ridiculous now. But I'm recounting this and feeling like I want to fall apart.

I think I'm just frustrated with my life.

And tired. I'm so tired.

I'm still here

So here I am.

I'm getting my gardens back in order,
I'm tidying myself up in appearance.
I'm keeping the house maintained at a useable level (housework)

I'm managing this despite my continued want to give up.
I'm wading through the hurt, the pain. It hasn't gone away. I'm just walking with it hanging off me. Refusing to stop, even though I desperately want to.

Then some judgmental twat tells me I'm not getting the message and moving on.

Fuck her.

Monday

Monday.

Before me lays yet another week of drudgery.

Another week of me arguing with my daughter to get out of bed.

Another week of work.

Another week of housework.

Another week of depression.

Another week of debilitating fatigue.

Another week of existing.

Health

I think theirs an abscess forming in my upper jaw somewhere. The throbbing suggests it. It's not teeth because theirs nothing there.

My blood pressure is high.

I work to keep both at manageable levels. Sometimes I am tempted to stop managing it.



Instead I foolishly live in hope that things will somehow become better. Along with my stupid sense of honour and keeping my promise to look after Sophia.

Not a catch

I had hoped maybe I would be a catch. Someone might see I was a nice guy and everything.



I'm not.

I'm fat.
I'm ugly.
I'm moody.
I'm depressed.
I'm scruffy.
I'm sick.

I bring destruction.

Maybe its best if I walk alone.

People around me get hurt.

Something is wrong. People I work with. People I am close to. They either die or their lives get messed up.

Sharon. Brain aneurism
Jill. Lung cancer
Annette. Breast cancer
Felicity. Pneumonia

All had the office beside mine. Sharon survived. The effects are devistating and life long.

My sister. Multiple sclerosis
My father cancer.
My mother car crash
My wife cancer.
My best friend burst aorta.

So many.

I need to stay away from people.

Bed time

It's going to bed and spending the night on my own that hurts the most.

One more day

I don't want to do life any more.

Just sitting here. Being nothing, doing nothing.

Tried to work. Can't focus.

Alone. I'm alone. Isolated. Nothing more than some empty there there's from facebook. Not that I can talk. Its all I would do for others too.

We are all fucked up. All of us.

Over stressed.

Heart feels like its trying to pump rubbish.

Right arm feels weird.

Blood pressure this afternoon was 173/117

Meh. Que Sera Sera.

Trying to work

Its mid day. I haven't done anything.

I need to. Work is piling up.

All I'm doing is sitting here. Existing.

I'm tired. Tired of life. Tired of being alone. Tired of being in pain. Tired of being tired. Tired of the nightmares that infiltrate my dreams at the moment.

Presentation

Tomorrow I have a presentation / professional development to do.

I have no idea how I will cope. Just gotta hide the pain for a few hrs. And that's not easy right now.

I should prepare for it but I'm not going to. I'll wing it.

The big lie

I want to believe that Justice is real. That it exists. I want the people who killed my wife to be accountable for their actions. I want an apology.

But Justice. Mercy. Compassion. They are all lies. I know this. I just don't want to accept it.

I wanted to release the complaint to the hospital out to pollis friends. I want people to see it. To know what really happened. I'm frustrated. And I'm still hurting. Hurting so badly.

I want the pain to stop. My heart's hurting again.

I want it back

I want my life back. I want to have a reason to live. Not just to exist. I want to love and to be loved.

Is that so much to ask?

I can't have my wife but can't I have someone? Please?

Distraction tactics

So today I was heading down into a bad place so I distracted myself and bought a new phone. Yay credit cards.

It's mainly worked. I still feel like shit but I'm also busy.

Still wishing I could be here in bed holding a woman in my arms.

Facebook

I need to take a break from facebook. As much as I need company right now facebook is just soul sucking.

I wonder how long I can stay away from it.

The anniversary looms

So the 12 month anniversary of my wife's death is in less than a week. I didn't want to face it alone. I hoped maybe there would be someone special in my life.

It looks like this is not to be.

Once more I stand alone at the gates of hell.

Update. It just hit me. The loneliness the shit paralyzing year I have had.  I'm sitting outside. It's windy.  Not very pleasent and keeps trying to rain. But there's darkness. Huh. Hello darkness my old friend.

I shouldn't have started taking he hawthorn. By the time they figured out what was going on my organs would have shut down. Not a pleasent way to go probably but it would have been done.

Love

I want to love again. I want to be loved again. I want to wake up in the morning and hug the beautiful woman beside me.

Man was not born to cry alone.

Pain

I have drunk a couple of cans of blue v this week. It messes me up but I am addicted to it.  Because when I drink it, for half an hour the pain goes.

I live in constant pain. My joints. My back. Permanent headache. It's all gone for that 30 mins.

Shit I'm a messed up person. No wonder the women are staying away in droves.

Laying in bed thoughts

My blood pressure is going nuts. Won't be long before the blood noses starts again.

I'm laying there thinking about what would happen if it got really bad this time. What if I really did die. My one regret would be leaving my daughter to her own devices.

But I was not afraid to die.

Shower thoughts

Standing in the shower realising that the one person who really wanted to spend their life with you is gone and you can never get that back. 

It's a change I never wanted.

CFS, Stress and fatigue. The perfect storm

I feel like shit. I'm so tired and stressed. My blood pressure is through the roof. Its bordering on stage 3, (Stage 4 is crisis). 

I want to sleep. I want to stop. I just don't want to be for a week.

Get up! Get up! Bills to pay. Work to be done. House to clean. Go! Go! Go!

I bought Hawthorn today to try and control the blood pressure a bit. Part of me doesn't want to take it. I asked my friend (was the girlfriend) to talk me into taking it but shes busy tonight.

If I didn't have my daughter I could die. I'm sick of the pain. The grief. Feeling like shit. I want to die but I can't.

Company.

I spent the past 2 days helping my now friend zoned ex girlfriend. She came for dinner and for the evening. I asked her to stay the night. She turned me down. I may have been able to talk her into it if I pressed a little harder but I no longer attempt to manipulate others in that way. So I stood back and let her go.

Back to feeling lonely.

Still don't really want to live. Not that I live anymore. I simply exist.

Weird dreams

So last night I dreamed my late wife came into my bedroom and said "I'm back"! I said "no you aren't you are dead" she said "I'm not, I'm right here". I'm thinking that she lay in a coffin for 3 days after I saw her die. Then she climbed into bed. I was going to protest but I felt so needing of company. Any company that I didn't argue.

Didn't get a hug. I woke up before any contact.

I hate my psyche sometimes. Ok most of the time.

Suicide prevention day

So apparently it's suicide prevention day. Where people with depression are encouraged to open up. What a fucking joke. Opening up and saying how you feel in this country means you get ostracized which makes it worse.

Keep it in and keep it down.

Solitude

Making changes I don't want to make.

So yesterday I took my wifes name off my insurance.

Today I erased her phone.

Stupid little things. They hurt to do. It's been almost a year and the pain is still very raw at times. I had to make sure the photos were backed up into her account first. Some of them showed her cancer progression in its early stages. They hurt too.

No one to talk to about it. Feel alone.

Think I'll go hide in bed for a bit.

On this day by facebook

So facebook does an on this day so you can see what you were saying and thinking a year ago or two years or more.

But now it's showing me the stages of my wife dying. And I'm having to relive it over again. I tried to turn it off but it keeps coming back. I want it to stop. Please? Please make it stop. No more.

Full moon.

So it was a full moon. I sat outside and asked the moon if I could have some good things come my way, and it started to rain.

So I asked if I could at least find love, and clouds covered the moon so I could no longer see it.