Am I becoming irredeemably single?

I'm slowly changing. I realized I'm sometimes flicking my fingers (autistic stimming). I'm having more and more trouble spending time with people. I'm withdrawing. Is this who I will become? An autistic recluse? 

Is that such a bad thing?

The Greatest Story I Ever Wrote

The greatest piece I ever wrote will hardly be seen by any one. I'm pretty sure it's saved lives though. It hurt me writing it. It hurt me researching it too. I was forced to go through ptsd trauma over and over. There was no help, there couldn't be. So I faced it alone.

It was called Pollis story. It detailed over 6 pages how my wife was killed. 

I hope I never have to read it again. 

Dream

I had this weird dream last night that a woman let me put my arm around her while we were having a conversation. There was zero anything sexual about it. I enjoyed it and she did too. I think we were discussing computer networks. 

;

I see people post those statuses on facebook saying I would rather listen to you than sit at your funeral. 

Liar!!! I want to yell at them. Where were you that time 5 years ago when I fell apart? When I was begging for help, from anyone, just to talk to me. I sure as hell know where everyone wasn't. 

Let me tell you something none of you know. I had my suicide planned. I knew how, I knew where. I had the equipment. "Call the suicide lines I hear." You aren't thinking about that at the time. All you want is the pain, the grief screaming in your mind to go away. And you hope, hope that someone will simply reach out and say, "I'm here, let's talk." But of course, we are men, the tough ones, we are expected to stand strong, to sand through it all, alone. Until we don't, and then we die. 

I learned something that time 5 years ago. The only person who is going to drag myself through this shit is me. I will not make the mistake of asking for help again. 

For the ones wondering what kept me here. I found my anchor in a storm. I kept it firmly in my mind, my daughter has already lost one parent, how terrible would I be to take her other parent. Dying doesn't just take away your pain, it hands it to someone else. Shitty answer? Maybe, but it kept me alive when all I wanted was to die. It's what keeps me going now too. 

; I'm still standing. 

You need to go and see what that noise was but she will make you a sandwich.

 

You need to go and see what that noise was but she will make you a sandwich.

My dog is half huntaway, his breeding is such that he has to be walked regularly or he gets pent up energy and he does naughty things. It’s simply who he is. I’m sure some huntaways would like nothing more than to sit around but the majority need exercise. The point of what I am saying is humans have traits too.

A woman is a nurturer who wants a protector.

She’s looking for the rugged, strong man with confidence. No, you don’t have to be all of those things all the time. If you are off your game a little her nurturing side will kick in, but when needed, be a man and step up, always.

She’s still the nurturer, that’s why she wants you to be open and real with her. Why she gets frustrated if you are a closed book.

Shelter is everyone’s basic need for protection. You don’t have to be able to build a house on your own (although she will be impressed if you can) but some knowledge of power tools, DIY and being the one who mows the lawns goes a long way.

My friend was staying next door. She would come over, have dinner, watch an episode of something on my TV. Afterwards I would walk her home. I would take my dog too, he would race down her dark driveway as I held a torch (the one on my phone) for her to see. I would open her gate “check around the back Jack” the dog would race around the back. Once he flushed out a dog from around there, he chased it right off the property. We would wait while she unlocked her door and went in, then we would walk home. Simple things like this is what a woman wants, be her protector. The simple act of walking closest to the road, being her protector is what she’s looking for.

So, why does she go for the asshole? That’s a bit of an evolutionary mix up. She sees a man with confidence, a strong personality, capability in the face of danger and her innate desire to be protected kicks in.

So, be strong, protect her and she will take care of you. It’s hardwired into us.

 

jealous of depressed people

You know what bugs me? People who say they were so depressed they couldn't even go to work for 6 months. I want to say "how fortunate  of you" if I don't work my daughter and I starve. Simple as that. I have no choice but to drag myself out and work, to at least try to keep myself afloat. 

Being that depressed is a luxury. 

niggles

Some days life gets to you. The constant niggling wears you down.

Today was one of those days. Nothing overly bad. Just all those little things got to me. 

Still. It won't be today for much longer. 11:27pm..

meaning

I know my life has meaning to others. 

I wish it had meaning to me as well. 

I am me

Hi, I am me. 

I have always felt like a bit of an alien in this world. An outsider looking in. 

Sometimes I say too much. Go too far. Zero filters. You see, sometimes I get excited and I freely speak. Then I remember that people don't like that and I go the other way. The book of me slams shut. A lifetime of being silenced and ridiculed comes back in.

Being normal isn't normal to me. Trying to carry a regular face to face conversation, it's so hard, all those things to remember, body language, tone, inflections, and subject matter. All while trying to stay on the one topic. And then suddenly there's 2 people and I have to double my efforts. 

Sometimes I go to get lunch, but my brain is suddenly distracted, repeatedly. Then it's 3 hours later and I'm going hypoglycemic because I didn't eat properly 

But, I'm me. I'm kind, I care deeply, I think. And with all my faults, I feel overall I am a good person. Maybe, just maybe I will find the right people who will come into my life and accept me for who I am.

Hi, I am me.

There's no money

I take the car in for an oil change. I travelled twice the distance I was supposed to before I took it in. 

They tell me the front brakes are almost shot.

The turbo intake hose is split

The transmission fluid needs changing, cambelt too. 

I thank them. Get in my car. 

I whisper an apology. Sorry girl, you are gonna have to hold out a bit longer. 

There's no money. 

I stop at the store, the one that sells the cheap cuts of meat. 

I get in the car. 

I apologize again. 

Sorry body, The exercise is free, but good food real expensive, you will have to get by on that. 

You will have to hold out a bit longer. 

There's no money. 

I get home to my daughter. 

She wants to go places. Do things, be stimulated. 

Once more I apologize. 

Sorry, you are going to have to old out a bit longer. 

There's no money. 

Time to go to work, my business is devastated. 

Put on the fake smile to my clients. 

Hold out a little longer. 

Because there's no money. 

The big black dog of depression

 Some people refer to depression as a big black dog. In my case I'm walking in front of the dog and it's endlessly following. Never tiring. I'm keeping in front of it but I'm tired of walking. I want to stop. But if I do it will catch up. Eventually, I know I'll lose

Critics

I know we are supposed to amplify the hurrahs until they drown out the boos. 

Sometimes the criticisms get to me. I try not to. 

But, sometimes they do. 

Then I start to wonder, is it all my fault? 

I know I'm not a great person. Maybe I'm even worse than I think. 

Maybe, maybe this is my fault. 

Maybe, just maybe, I deserve this. 

Fatigue and depression

 The more tired I get the harder I have to fight the depression. 

It's always a battle, gnawing at me all the time. 

Eventually as I get tired it gets a stronger grip. 

Until it feels like I can no longer keep it at bay. 

Then I shower, make my way to bed 

and endure the nightmares that so often fill my dreams. 

monachopsis

Monachopsis is the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.

Felt out of sorts the past few days. Like I'm out of place, or the world is. 

I don't know. Can't put my finger on it. 

Somethings out. Probably just me running on too much anxiety. 

A fireball

16 years I spent with a fireball of a woman. Her wrath was immense when people got her going, but in all those years, she never turned it on me. Sure she got mad with me, we talked it out. Sometimes I would tease her a bit, get her fired up but she quickly realized I was being an ass. 

Yesterday I accidentally got someone mad and they got angry with me. No ones fault really. She apologized several times later. But I had to walk away from her at the time. Felt out of sorts all day after that. I found I have PTSD triggers in me still. 

Reminded me of why I am a mess and not relationship material. Those times are passed. 

PTSD

 When someone triggers your PTSD, and you need to spend the day acting like you are ok. 

But you aren't. 

I'm a good person

I'm a good person.

Where am I going wrong?

broken old

Just a broken old man

Living his broken old life

In his broken old house.

The last 6 years

The last 6 years has felt like my life gets sucked into this rabbit hole of insanity. It gets deeper and deeper. I try to pull myself up, but all I do is fall some more, I try to hold on but my hands are covered in my own blood. Makes the sides slippery. I don't know anymore, guess I need to resign myself to falling. I wonder what's at the bottom and when I'll hit. 

Maybe one day things will get better. For now I'll simply try to hope, even when hope has failed. 

dreams

Dreamed I found polli in New Plymouth. I drove up there to collect her. She said she's found somewhere new and likes it there. She might come back sometimes but she's not moving back..

.

Haven't felt her around in a while. Guess she's gone. 

.

Feeling lost.

 

I have sat here for days, lost, after witnessing the brutality the police visited upon a group of peaceful protesters. I have felt grief, pain, sorrow and… anger.

What have we become here in New Zealand? We are a lost, divided people. Today I saw a video of the recent protests, but not the anger. It was a group of people united, in love, compassion, honour. We, were, one, and I remembered, this is what we are striving for. We cannot become like the others, filled with righteous anger and hate, I know that’s so easy to do. Remember the convoy and freedom village for what it was, a glimpse of people coming together, a peaceful resistance against the lies and hate. There is hope for humans yet. We can become this again.

These are dark times indeed, but what will come from the ashes is going to be what we on the side of kindness are longing so deeply for. A world of peace. Remember, It’s always darkest before the dawn.

 

weary

I'm tired. My soul is worn out. This world is a terrible place and I don't want to be a part of it anymore.

Battles

 

5 years ago today I walked into a room and faced the people who killed my wife. I spoke carefully and factually for almost 2 hours detailing to them and the others in the room exactly how and what happened. Preparing for it and being there did not psychologically help me, but sometimes you simply have to do what’s right. In the end all I achieved was a 2 page letter of apology with promises of a few changes. Others may survive because of what I did. At least her death won’t be a complete waste.

I will always shy away from confrontation and arguments when I can. But sometimes you have to stand up when something isn’t right.

Sometimes a Modern Gentleman has to battle.

 

 

Watching the world go by

 

Today it was a Saturday. The weather was awesome. I should have worked outside. Did more of my gardens. The weeds are growing fast.

I went up there and sat on the old seat I made for Polli so many years ago. It’s falling apart but still ok to sit on if I’m careful. I felt a bit of guilt sitting there. So many things need doing. But it’s the first time in 3 days where I simply took time out for me. It felt good to simply sit for a bit, for no other reason than to sit and do nothing. We live in a world where it’s all do ,do ,do. Work, answer people, be available get distracted.

When was the last time you simply sat for a time and let the world go by?

What did I do?

 What did I ever do to deserve this life?

Ramblings of a madman

 

Words, screaming around in my head. No way to slow them down.

.

Around they go.

.

Nightbirde dying of cancer. Reminded me of my wife dying of cancer too.

.

We squander our lives sometimes. Blink and it’s over while it’s been 48 long years.

.

Could you love me if you knew the real me? Or are you in love with the idea of what you think I am?

.

9:10am 21^st September. We all have a date burned into our soul.

.

On the balance of things, I do more good than bad. My heart is not heavy.

.

The most common time for a heart attack is getting out of bed in the morning. Can’t live in fear of getting out of bed. Gotta keep living.

.

Around they go.

.

Did I lock my car?

.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud. Talking relationships when I can’t even get one.

.

Simple rantings of a madman tonight.

.

I am me.

Pain

 

“Well, just take a painkiller”

You don’t understand, I’m always in pain, if I just took a painkiller I would always be taking painkillers and that leads to unfortunate consequences.

“It can’t be that bad then”

I can’t simply stop because of it, I can’t spend my life laying on the floor writhing in pain. I simply keep going, sure, some days are worse than others.

Sometimes I get pig headed and pull out a chainsaw and start working, sometimes I simply have to. Things don’t happen if I don’t do them. Pay that price later.

You do what you have to do to survive. Simple as that really, same for all of us.

Live to see another day.

 

 

I don't want your pity

 

Hi, I’m Edward and I don’t want your pity.

I have C-PTSD it sneaks in on you that one because it happens over the course of years.

I have a degenerative upper back condition, I am in constant pain from it, eventually my spine will snap.

I have damage from an accident in my lower spine, also leaving me in constant pain.

I have rheumatoid arthritis causing frequent pain.

My liver and kidneys are not working properly.

I have chronic fatigue syndrome.

My wife was killed by 2 doctors.

My mother was killed 21 years ago.

My business has been destroyed by government mandates. I now make less than minimum wage.

I still don’t want your pity.

I could take that and harden my heart.

I could be a mean person.

Or I could drop down and give up.

But I don’t. I get up every day and carry on.

I choose a life of love and compassion.

So my cards dealt weren’t the best, I’ll play them anyways.

Don’t pity me, watch me get up, over and over.

I WILL rise, you cannot stop me!

 

Women are adorable.

 

My close friend has been in town for a few days. Before you try to read more into this, she is and will be no more than a very good friend. It’s been quite a week dear reader, I forgot all those little things. I smiled a little as I walked past my laundry basket to see some of the towels folded.
She bought some sheets and she was having to make the difficult decision between high threadcounts and microfiber.
Women and that foot stomp when they are a bit miffed. I will admit to winding her up a bit.
I cooked her dinner and did it all from scratch, making my own sauce with herbs etc, Seeing her love it.
Those little things. Women are so damn adorable. I miss those things. If you are lucky enough to have someone. Please, cherish all those little things.

On that highway

 If I'm heading for hell I might as well make the trip interesting. 

.

I'm still a good person. 

.

I do a lot more good than bad. 

.

I do not regret who I am. 

.

Sometimes a good man has to do bad things. 

.

I will protect mine above all else. 

I am responsible for my own happiness.

5 years ago was my first birthday as a widower. I hoped, wished that someone would come, visit and maybe bring a cake. Everyone was too busy. I found a half stale piece of cake, put in a candle and called it done. Then went to bed. It was a good lesson, harsh, but good. 

5 years later I went out and bought my own cake. I worked my ass off this morning so I could take the afternoon off which I intend on spending relaxing and enjoying. 

Today is a good day, I'm making it a good day because I am responsible for my own happiness. 

Pockets!

 Can we just take a moment to appreciate when you take a woman shopping and she comes out with a grin. She pulls out some skirt or dress from the bag and announces "It has pockets!" The glee as she shows you the pockets and how she can put her hands in them. 

Women like that are adorable. 

New Years eve

 

So, the earth revolves around the sun once again.

Been a hell of a year. Been saying that every year for some time. Holding on. Still, harsh times bring good lessons. Just a pity about the delivery of those lessons right?

We all have goals, so many are different. Some it’s a better job, some it’s a new car, or a home. Maybe you want a quality relationship. All are fine goals. None are wrong. Please don’t belittle people just because their priorities are different. Mine was for that last relationship. The one that would take me to my end. Now, I don’t know, the longer I spend alone, the more I become used to it. I seem to swing back and forward. Wanting it and then thinking maybe I can’t do it anymore.

Who knows. I get told stop looking and the right one comes along. Then I get told that not looking and I miss opportunities. That’s the world all over isn’t it? One side or another, black or white. Night or day.

Balance, that’s what we need to try for. Care for her, hold her close but make sure she has freedom too. Balance.
Balance while I am a man of conflicts.
I have been called a Pleasure Dom. Label is ill fitting. I will not inflict pain on a woman.
Been called Strong yet tender
Brave but I have anxiety
A deep thinker. I cannot tell you what color underwear I am wearing.
An open book, but only if you can figure out the right things to ask. Otherwise this book slams shut.

Pink Floyd playing “all in all it was all just bricks in the wall” I guess that’s all of us isn’t it? Created by our experiences. Just have to decide what you will build from those bricks. I hope next year your bricks are light, that you can build beauty from them. That at the end of next year you can look back and see how far you have come.

I remain,

The Modern Gentleman.

societal expectations

 

Sometimes societal expectations suck but it’s a world I am forced to live in. I have no choice but to live inside their rules. Trapped in their stupid game because I will be ruined if I don't play. A working class hero is something to be.

Nice guys deserve to finish last.

 A woman is in a bar, 3 men are surrounding her vying for her attention, buying her drinks.

Another man comes in, walks to the bar close to where she’s sitting and orders a drink, he looks her way, smiles, nods and then goes to join his mates.

The woman is no longer interested in any of the 3 men, she keeps looking to the man with his friends. Sometimes he looks over and gives her a nod or flashes her a smile.

The next time he comes up to the bar she ditches the 3 guys and goes over to talk to him. The 3 guys are mad. “All the things we did for her, ugh, us nice guys finish last”

A bunch of women are reading this, sighing, and going yeah. And a bunch of guys are reading this and being mad.

Let me just let you know, if you are mad, you are a part of the problem. If me saying that makes you madder you really are the problem.

Let’s switch to the woman’s viewpoint.

Ugh, I was sitting at the bar and 3 guys were totally in my face, just pushing themselves on me, It was creepy, it felt… slimy the way they were all over me.

Then this guy walks in, he seemed so confident. He walked up to the bar and when he finally turned to smile at me he really got my attention, he got his drinks and walked to his friends. He got my curiosity. I don’t know. Something about him. I kept looking over to him and on occasion he would see me and smile. He finally came back to the bar, I got my chance to ditch those 3 and talk to him. He gave the right vibes, confident and no pressure. I knew I had to get to know him better.

Even in a relationship, there’s a balance. Understand this, overly nice guys finish last and it’s your fault, not hers. Do things for her, love and cherish her. Go out of your way. But make sure you don’t make her feel trapped as you create what’s called covert contracts at her. That’s where you shower her with so much she feels like there is a debt she can never repay. This is the reason for the term “give with no expectation of receiving”. It’s not that you should never want anything but if you are creating these covert contracts you are doing it for the wrong reasons.

Getting mad? Triggered? Ready to write a shitty comment? Then just know you are the problem here.

You need to strike that balance. Self absorbed narcissists are assholes, but the overly nice guy isn’t great either. 

Fear

 I walked around town this morning. Looking at the plant's the trees and the artwork. I also took the time to look at all the signs in the stores, broadcasting fear at so many different levels. Some require vax passports, all requiring masks. There were a few signs of protest at the mandates, not many though. 

The people too though, so many living in abject fear.. A woman I knew stopped to talk, she stopped suddenly and apologized for not wearing a mask to speak to me. Another, a youngish woman walked past with a hoodie emblazoned with virginity rocks across the front. She scuttled past me like I was a horror. On a quieter street a woman was walking towards me wearing her mask, out of curiosity I cleared my throat, not a full cough. She crossed the street. 

Can't really blame them though, its been over a year now of inescapable fear pushing. Television, radio, newspapers, billboards, stickers on the footpaths. Fear, be afraid, get injected. The times they isolate us and so many stopping every day to listen as they sternly roll out the new numbers. 

The trauma of christmas

 

“Make sure you don’t push your trauma onto your daughter. “

Polli was right. She was always right damn it. After many years of crap I hated Christmas, it had become a shit day that I didn’t want to deal with, but I had no right to push any of my problems onto our daughter. I had a think. Sometimes those wheels in my brain need to turn over a few times. I knew she wasn’t liking the day much either, it was overloading her and so I turned it into a time for her, while making it a day I can cope with too. It works now. For both of us. My daughter loves Christmas because I remain mindful not to push my trauma onto her.

You know what? I think I am enjoying it a little more too.

Run!

 Walk away, or better yet, RUN! 

Nothing good can come from being close to me. 

I am chaos

I am destruction. 

Even though all I want to be is love. 

legs

 

Tonight I was walking the dog, the weather is a bit crazy right now and it’s making my arthritis act up. I was walking along cursing my legs and particularly my ankles when a thought popped into my head.
Someone in a wheelchair would give anything to walk the dog like this, the pain would be worth it.
I need to remember to take less for granted.

A simple reminder

 

I woke up this morning to a reminder on my phone.

It told me of a lifetime ago

It told me of a good meal

It told me of watching a movie together

It even told me of passionate love making.

It told me of holding hands.

It told me of secrets

It told me of inside jokes

It told me of appreciative looks.

It told me 2 words

“wedding anniversary”

hopes and dreams

When my daughter had her birthday last week she had a cake and made a wish. She wished for a new momma and that we had financial stability. Too many times I have had to tell her we can't do things because we simply don't have the money anymore.

She well knows wishes don't tend to happen like that, she's been asking for a new momma for some time. 

A few times a year I buy a lottery ticket and spend a couple of days dreaming about financial stability too. 

I know how unlikely I am to win. But I still dream of it. 

You see, we need dreams and hopes. Like wishes and lottery tickets, or even watching movies where the good people win. We need these things to make life more bearable, because without hope. What else is there?

.

 Dear reader. I hope one day your dreams come true too. Until then, watch the movies, make wishes on dandelions and birthday cakes. Have hope and maybe, just maybe, you will get your wish too. 

Torn

Yesterday my friend visited for the day. It was great, we had a neat time. 

I found myself wishing I could do that more often. Loved it. 

But.... there is always a but. 

I hit a limit. I needed some time to myself. 

Luckily I think she did too. 

How can I manage a relationship if I cannot manage an entire day with someone?

I'm getting worse with that. More and more the hermit. 

.

Can I manage a relationship? Or am I too far gone?

Keep one foot on the brake but don’t stop.

 

Keep one foot on the brake but don’t stop.

I used to drive Santa’s sleigh for a few years in a Christmas parade. There was 20 – 30 thousand people lining the streets and every year there was always that one kid, they tended to be around 4 years old and they were hell bent on getting to santa. I had to lug this huge sleigh down a tight street with a quad bike. Watching to make sure I hit no curbs and always watching for that kid. I always spotted them. Their mother would be holding on for everything she had while her child was trying to break free. They often managed it too. Thankfully that sleigh was going at walking speed because it didn’t stop too well. In all those years I never ran over a kid.
Do we blame the kid? No, they were just over excited.
Do we blame the parent? No, they were helping their child to see someone special.
Do we stop having santa? Hell no.
So I drove that bike with one foot on the brake, ready for that kid.
There were hundreds of cameras on me, one mistake and I would be a social media hit for all the wrong reasons.
Did things go wrong? Sure did, both tyres went flat one year. No one saw but I dragged that bastard right down mainstreet on its rims.
One foot on the brake but no stopping.
Sometimes life gets scary but others rely on us.
So we keep one foot on the brake but we don’t stop.

Don’t stop ok?

 

 

I think I have PTSD

I think I have PTSD but when did it happen?

Was it sitting in an office as the voice of a police officer said there was an accident? Was it the next day as I helped pick my mother's coffin?

Was it sitting in an office with 2 Dr's and 2 nurses as they explained how my wife will not survive?

Was it sitting beside her as she turned towards me as she took her last breath.

Was it the alcohol I drank trying to numb my brain? I just wanted it to slow down.

Was it the teachers in school telling me over and over in subtle was how stupid I was.

Was it the report cards that were not so subtle 

Was it the bullying? The teachers were worse than the students.

Maybe the nightmares that plague me most nights. The reason I am up in the middle of the night writing shit like this even though I'm so tired I can barely see? I don't want to sleep.

Is it when I found myself utterly alone and finally had to look at myself and dig myself out of my own shit and try to figure out who I was?

Maybe it's having to say thank you to people who say they love what I say while my mind screams at me THEY ARE LYING, YOU ARE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!

Is it the fear of the future? I can't see a way out of this hole. Not one that doesn't end with people standing over my coffin at my funeral saying generalized platitudes. 

My soul is weary. 

I think I have PTSD.

Warrior

 

Fatigue hidden behind a gentle smile. The lonely warrior grips his sword. It’s been relentless for so long. Sadness drips from his arms. Maybe some rest soon, respite. Not yet. Not today. He moves forward once more. Fight the unwinnable fight. We all perish in the end.

Outcast

Today I am an outcast of society. 

I cannot enter the places I work during normal hours. 

If I go to a GP they now have a portable cabin outside to be seen in if necessary, but I am not even allowed in their waiting rooms. 

Soon I will not be allowed a haircut. 

I will not be allowed into Gyms

I will not be allowed to eat at a cafe. 

I'm not allowed to go to any festivals this summer, even outdoor ones. 

I look on facebook. The hatred of us unvaxxed is growing. 

I hate "society"

Humans are still horrid. 

Day 1 of being ostracized.

 Day 1. I'm tired. I checked the news to see if there were reports of havoc. Why did I bother? Of course not they have been paid off by the government not to report that. 

The warned about division is happening of course. I am not surprised. I have seen it before. Makes me sad though. 

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my last day of normality (if you can call it that) 

After tomorrow I am no longer allowed in my workplace

I am not allowed to participate in my way of life because I refuse to participate in a medical experiment. 

The world is falling to tyranny. 

Some can see it. 

So many cannot. 

If I am wrong I might catch something that gives me a survival chance well over 99.7%

If I am right 90% of the world is going to die. 

A mass extinction event. 

I hold the line. 

I will stand. 

Not for myself, but for my daughter. 

I shall hold on for her. 

Declined

 I thought I was going to manage a medical exemption for the covid vaxx. It seemed promising. 

After making me wait for almost a week the GP changed her mind and said no. 

I will not be coerced into a medical experiment. 

So in 10 days my company will effectively be shut down. 

Fuck the assholes who are forcing this. 

I live and I die on MY terms. Not yours. 

Tired

I look at the news on my phone, it's all covid, covid covid. 

I look at facebook, covid, covid, more covid. 

I stop at the supermarket. Scan codes, wear a mask, plexi sheilds at the counters. 

I go in to see a client, move past the counter setup just in the door and work out mask etiquette before repairing their equipment. 

Friends talking, it's all covid. 

We are being placed in a culture of abject fear. It's psychological warfare. Its been well over a year of it. 

My company is being decimated. Not that it was going all that well. 

I'm cracking under the pressure. Good thing I'm used to living like this. 

Will the terrors of being alive ever end?