broken old

Just a broken old man

Living his broken old life

In his broken old house.

The last 6 years

The last 6 years has felt like my life gets sucked into this rabbit hole of insanity. It gets deeper and deeper. I try to pull myself up, but all I do is fall some more, I try to hold on but my hands are covered in my own blood. Makes the sides slippery. I don't know anymore, guess I need to resign myself to falling. I wonder what's at the bottom and when I'll hit. 

Maybe one day things will get better. For now I'll simply try to hope, even when hope has failed. 

dreams

Dreamed I found polli in New Plymouth. I drove up there to collect her. She said she's found somewhere new and likes it there. She might come back sometimes but she's not moving back..

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Haven't felt her around in a while. Guess she's gone. 

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Feeling lost.

 

I have sat here for days, lost, after witnessing the brutality the police visited upon a group of peaceful protesters. I have felt grief, pain, sorrow and… anger.

What have we become here in New Zealand? We are a lost, divided people. Today I saw a video of the recent protests, but not the anger. It was a group of people united, in love, compassion, honour. We, were, one, and I remembered, this is what we are striving for. We cannot become like the others, filled with righteous anger and hate, I know that’s so easy to do. Remember the convoy and freedom village for what it was, a glimpse of people coming together, a peaceful resistance against the lies and hate. There is hope for humans yet. We can become this again.

These are dark times indeed, but what will come from the ashes is going to be what we on the side of kindness are longing so deeply for. A world of peace. Remember, It’s always darkest before the dawn.

 

weary

I'm tired. My soul is worn out. This world is a terrible place and I don't want to be a part of it anymore.

Battles

 

5 years ago today I walked into a room and faced the people who killed my wife. I spoke carefully and factually for almost 2 hours detailing to them and the others in the room exactly how and what happened. Preparing for it and being there did not psychologically help me, but sometimes you simply have to do what’s right. In the end all I achieved was a 2 page letter of apology with promises of a few changes. Others may survive because of what I did. At least her death won’t be a complete waste.

I will always shy away from confrontation and arguments when I can. But sometimes you have to stand up when something isn’t right.

Sometimes a Modern Gentleman has to battle.

 

 

Watching the world go by

 

Today it was a Saturday. The weather was awesome. I should have worked outside. Did more of my gardens. The weeds are growing fast.

I went up there and sat on the old seat I made for Polli so many years ago. It’s falling apart but still ok to sit on if I’m careful. I felt a bit of guilt sitting there. So many things need doing. But it’s the first time in 3 days where I simply took time out for me. It felt good to simply sit for a bit, for no other reason than to sit and do nothing. We live in a world where it’s all do ,do ,do. Work, answer people, be available get distracted.

When was the last time you simply sat for a time and let the world go by?

What did I do?

 What did I ever do to deserve this life?

Ramblings of a madman

 

Words, screaming around in my head. No way to slow them down.

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Around they go.

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Nightbirde dying of cancer. Reminded me of my wife dying of cancer too.

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We squander our lives sometimes. Blink and it’s over while it’s been 48 long years.

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Could you love me if you knew the real me? Or are you in love with the idea of what you think I am?

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9:10am 21^st September. We all have a date burned into our soul.

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On the balance of things, I do more good than bad. My heart is not heavy.

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The most common time for a heart attack is getting out of bed in the morning. Can’t live in fear of getting out of bed. Gotta keep living.

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Around they go.

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Did I lock my car?

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Sometimes I feel like a fraud. Talking relationships when I can’t even get one.

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Simple rantings of a madman tonight.

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I am me.

Pain

 

“Well, just take a painkiller”

You don’t understand, I’m always in pain, if I just took a painkiller I would always be taking painkillers and that leads to unfortunate consequences.

“It can’t be that bad then”

I can’t simply stop because of it, I can’t spend my life laying on the floor writhing in pain. I simply keep going, sure, some days are worse than others.

Sometimes I get pig headed and pull out a chainsaw and start working, sometimes I simply have to. Things don’t happen if I don’t do them. Pay that price later.

You do what you have to do to survive. Simple as that really, same for all of us.

Live to see another day.

 

 

I don't want your pity

 

Hi, I’m Edward and I don’t want your pity.

I have C-PTSD it sneaks in on you that one because it happens over the course of years.

I have a degenerative upper back condition, I am in constant pain from it, eventually my spine will snap.

I have damage from an accident in my lower spine, also leaving me in constant pain.

I have rheumatoid arthritis causing frequent pain.

My liver and kidneys are not working properly.

I have chronic fatigue syndrome.

My wife was killed by 2 doctors.

My mother was killed 21 years ago.

My business has been destroyed by government mandates. I now make less than minimum wage.

I still don’t want your pity.

I could take that and harden my heart.

I could be a mean person.

Or I could drop down and give up.

But I don’t. I get up every day and carry on.

I choose a life of love and compassion.

So my cards dealt weren’t the best, I’ll play them anyways.

Don’t pity me, watch me get up, over and over.

I WILL rise, you cannot stop me!

 

Women are adorable.

 

My close friend has been in town for a few days. Before you try to read more into this, she is and will be no more than a very good friend. It’s been quite a week dear reader, I forgot all those little things. I smiled a little as I walked past my laundry basket to see some of the towels folded.
She bought some sheets and she was having to make the difficult decision between high threadcounts and microfiber.
Women and that foot stomp when they are a bit miffed. I will admit to winding her up a bit.
I cooked her dinner and did it all from scratch, making my own sauce with herbs etc, Seeing her love it.
Those little things. Women are so damn adorable. I miss those things. If you are lucky enough to have someone. Please, cherish all those little things.

On that highway

 If I'm heading for hell I might as well make the trip interesting. 

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I'm still a good person. 

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I do a lot more good than bad. 

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I do not regret who I am. 

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Sometimes a good man has to do bad things. 

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I will protect mine above all else. 

I am responsible for my own happiness.

5 years ago was my first birthday as a widower. I hoped, wished that someone would come, visit and maybe bring a cake. Everyone was too busy. I found a half stale piece of cake, put in a candle and called it done. Then went to bed. It was a good lesson, harsh, but good. 

5 years later I went out and bought my own cake. I worked my ass off this morning so I could take the afternoon off which I intend on spending relaxing and enjoying. 

Today is a good day, I'm making it a good day because I am responsible for my own happiness. 

Pockets!

 Can we just take a moment to appreciate when you take a woman shopping and she comes out with a grin. She pulls out some skirt or dress from the bag and announces "It has pockets!" The glee as she shows you the pockets and how she can put her hands in them. 

Women like that are adorable. 

New Years eve

 

So, the earth revolves around the sun once again.

Been a hell of a year. Been saying that every year for some time. Holding on. Still, harsh times bring good lessons. Just a pity about the delivery of those lessons right?

We all have goals, so many are different. Some it’s a better job, some it’s a new car, or a home. Maybe you want a quality relationship. All are fine goals. None are wrong. Please don’t belittle people just because their priorities are different. Mine was for that last relationship. The one that would take me to my end. Now, I don’t know, the longer I spend alone, the more I become used to it. I seem to swing back and forward. Wanting it and then thinking maybe I can’t do it anymore.

Who knows. I get told stop looking and the right one comes along. Then I get told that not looking and I miss opportunities. That’s the world all over isn’t it? One side or another, black or white. Night or day.

Balance, that’s what we need to try for. Care for her, hold her close but make sure she has freedom too. Balance.
Balance while I am a man of conflicts.
I have been called a Pleasure Dom. Label is ill fitting. I will not inflict pain on a woman.
Been called Strong yet tender
Brave but I have anxiety
A deep thinker. I cannot tell you what color underwear I am wearing.
An open book, but only if you can figure out the right things to ask. Otherwise this book slams shut.

Pink Floyd playing “all in all it was all just bricks in the wall” I guess that’s all of us isn’t it? Created by our experiences. Just have to decide what you will build from those bricks. I hope next year your bricks are light, that you can build beauty from them. That at the end of next year you can look back and see how far you have come.

I remain,

The Modern Gentleman.

societal expectations

 

Sometimes societal expectations suck but it’s a world I am forced to live in. I have no choice but to live inside their rules. Trapped in their stupid game because I will be ruined if I don't play. A working class hero is something to be.

Nice guys deserve to finish last.

 A woman is in a bar, 3 men are surrounding her vying for her attention, buying her drinks.

Another man comes in, walks to the bar close to where she’s sitting and orders a drink, he looks her way, smiles, nods and then goes to join his mates.

The woman is no longer interested in any of the 3 men, she keeps looking to the man with his friends. Sometimes he looks over and gives her a nod or flashes her a smile.

The next time he comes up to the bar she ditches the 3 guys and goes over to talk to him. The 3 guys are mad. “All the things we did for her, ugh, us nice guys finish last”

A bunch of women are reading this, sighing, and going yeah. And a bunch of guys are reading this and being mad.

Let me just let you know, if you are mad, you are a part of the problem. If me saying that makes you madder you really are the problem.

Let’s switch to the woman’s viewpoint.

Ugh, I was sitting at the bar and 3 guys were totally in my face, just pushing themselves on me, It was creepy, it felt… slimy the way they were all over me.

Then this guy walks in, he seemed so confident. He walked up to the bar and when he finally turned to smile at me he really got my attention, he got his drinks and walked to his friends. He got my curiosity. I don’t know. Something about him. I kept looking over to him and on occasion he would see me and smile. He finally came back to the bar, I got my chance to ditch those 3 and talk to him. He gave the right vibes, confident and no pressure. I knew I had to get to know him better.

Even in a relationship, there’s a balance. Understand this, overly nice guys finish last and it’s your fault, not hers. Do things for her, love and cherish her. Go out of your way. But make sure you don’t make her feel trapped as you create what’s called covert contracts at her. That’s where you shower her with so much she feels like there is a debt she can never repay. This is the reason for the term “give with no expectation of receiving”. It’s not that you should never want anything but if you are creating these covert contracts you are doing it for the wrong reasons.

Getting mad? Triggered? Ready to write a shitty comment? Then just know you are the problem here.

You need to strike that balance. Self absorbed narcissists are assholes, but the overly nice guy isn’t great either. 

Fear

 I walked around town this morning. Looking at the plant's the trees and the artwork. I also took the time to look at all the signs in the stores, broadcasting fear at so many different levels. Some require vax passports, all requiring masks. There were a few signs of protest at the mandates, not many though. 

The people too though, so many living in abject fear.. A woman I knew stopped to talk, she stopped suddenly and apologized for not wearing a mask to speak to me. Another, a youngish woman walked past with a hoodie emblazoned with virginity rocks across the front. She scuttled past me like I was a horror. On a quieter street a woman was walking towards me wearing her mask, out of curiosity I cleared my throat, not a full cough. She crossed the street. 

Can't really blame them though, its been over a year now of inescapable fear pushing. Television, radio, newspapers, billboards, stickers on the footpaths. Fear, be afraid, get injected. The times they isolate us and so many stopping every day to listen as they sternly roll out the new numbers. 

The trauma of christmas

 

“Make sure you don’t push your trauma onto your daughter. “

Polli was right. She was always right damn it. After many years of crap I hated Christmas, it had become a shit day that I didn’t want to deal with, but I had no right to push any of my problems onto our daughter. I had a think. Sometimes those wheels in my brain need to turn over a few times. I knew she wasn’t liking the day much either, it was overloading her and so I turned it into a time for her, while making it a day I can cope with too. It works now. For both of us. My daughter loves Christmas because I remain mindful not to push my trauma onto her.

You know what? I think I am enjoying it a little more too.

Run!

 Walk away, or better yet, RUN! 

Nothing good can come from being close to me. 

I am chaos

I am destruction. 

Even though all I want to be is love. 

legs

 

Tonight I was walking the dog, the weather is a bit crazy right now and it’s making my arthritis act up. I was walking along cursing my legs and particularly my ankles when a thought popped into my head.
Someone in a wheelchair would give anything to walk the dog like this, the pain would be worth it.
I need to remember to take less for granted.

A simple reminder

 

I woke up this morning to a reminder on my phone.

It told me of a lifetime ago

It told me of a good meal

It told me of watching a movie together

It even told me of passionate love making.

It told me of holding hands.

It told me of secrets

It told me of inside jokes

It told me of appreciative looks.

It told me 2 words

“wedding anniversary”

hopes and dreams

When my daughter had her birthday last week she had a cake and made a wish. She wished for a new momma and that we had financial stability. Too many times I have had to tell her we can't do things because we simply don't have the money anymore.

She well knows wishes don't tend to happen like that, she's been asking for a new momma for some time. 

A few times a year I buy a lottery ticket and spend a couple of days dreaming about financial stability too. 

I know how unlikely I am to win. But I still dream of it. 

You see, we need dreams and hopes. Like wishes and lottery tickets, or even watching movies where the good people win. We need these things to make life more bearable, because without hope. What else is there?

.

 Dear reader. I hope one day your dreams come true too. Until then, watch the movies, make wishes on dandelions and birthday cakes. Have hope and maybe, just maybe, you will get your wish too. 

Torn

Yesterday my friend visited for the day. It was great, we had a neat time. 

I found myself wishing I could do that more often. Loved it. 

But.... there is always a but. 

I hit a limit. I needed some time to myself. 

Luckily I think she did too. 

How can I manage a relationship if I cannot manage an entire day with someone?

I'm getting worse with that. More and more the hermit. 

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Can I manage a relationship? Or am I too far gone?

Keep one foot on the brake but don’t stop.

 

Keep one foot on the brake but don’t stop.

I used to drive Santa’s sleigh for a few years in a Christmas parade. There was 20 – 30 thousand people lining the streets and every year there was always that one kid, they tended to be around 4 years old and they were hell bent on getting to santa. I had to lug this huge sleigh down a tight street with a quad bike. Watching to make sure I hit no curbs and always watching for that kid. I always spotted them. Their mother would be holding on for everything she had while her child was trying to break free. They often managed it too. Thankfully that sleigh was going at walking speed because it didn’t stop too well. In all those years I never ran over a kid.
Do we blame the kid? No, they were just over excited.
Do we blame the parent? No, they were helping their child to see someone special.
Do we stop having santa? Hell no.
So I drove that bike with one foot on the brake, ready for that kid.
There were hundreds of cameras on me, one mistake and I would be a social media hit for all the wrong reasons.
Did things go wrong? Sure did, both tyres went flat one year. No one saw but I dragged that bastard right down mainstreet on its rims.
One foot on the brake but no stopping.
Sometimes life gets scary but others rely on us.
So we keep one foot on the brake but we don’t stop.

Don’t stop ok?

 

 

I think I have PTSD

I think I have PTSD but when did it happen?

Was it sitting in an office as the voice of a police officer said there was an accident? Was it the next day as I helped pick my mother's coffin?

Was it sitting in an office with 2 Dr's and 2 nurses as they explained how my wife will not survive?

Was it sitting beside her as she turned towards me as she took her last breath.

Was it the alcohol I drank trying to numb my brain? I just wanted it to slow down.

Was it the teachers in school telling me over and over in subtle was how stupid I was.

Was it the report cards that were not so subtle 

Was it the bullying? The teachers were worse than the students.

Maybe the nightmares that plague me most nights. The reason I am up in the middle of the night writing shit like this even though I'm so tired I can barely see? I don't want to sleep.

Is it when I found myself utterly alone and finally had to look at myself and dig myself out of my own shit and try to figure out who I was?

Maybe it's having to say thank you to people who say they love what I say while my mind screams at me THEY ARE LYING, YOU ARE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!

Is it the fear of the future? I can't see a way out of this hole. Not one that doesn't end with people standing over my coffin at my funeral saying generalized platitudes. 

My soul is weary. 

I think I have PTSD.

Warrior

 

Fatigue hidden behind a gentle smile. The lonely warrior grips his sword. It’s been relentless for so long. Sadness drips from his arms. Maybe some rest soon, respite. Not yet. Not today. He moves forward once more. Fight the unwinnable fight. We all perish in the end.

Outcast

Today I am an outcast of society. 

I cannot enter the places I work during normal hours. 

If I go to a GP they now have a portable cabin outside to be seen in if necessary, but I am not even allowed in their waiting rooms. 

Soon I will not be allowed a haircut. 

I will not be allowed into Gyms

I will not be allowed to eat at a cafe. 

I'm not allowed to go to any festivals this summer, even outdoor ones. 

I look on facebook. The hatred of us unvaxxed is growing. 

I hate "society"

Humans are still horrid. 

Day 1 of being ostracized.

 Day 1. I'm tired. I checked the news to see if there were reports of havoc. Why did I bother? Of course not they have been paid off by the government not to report that. 

The warned about division is happening of course. I am not surprised. I have seen it before. Makes me sad though. 

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my last day of normality (if you can call it that) 

After tomorrow I am no longer allowed in my workplace

I am not allowed to participate in my way of life because I refuse to participate in a medical experiment. 

The world is falling to tyranny. 

Some can see it. 

So many cannot. 

If I am wrong I might catch something that gives me a survival chance well over 99.7%

If I am right 90% of the world is going to die. 

A mass extinction event. 

I hold the line. 

I will stand. 

Not for myself, but for my daughter. 

I shall hold on for her. 

Declined

 I thought I was going to manage a medical exemption for the covid vaxx. It seemed promising. 

After making me wait for almost a week the GP changed her mind and said no. 

I will not be coerced into a medical experiment. 

So in 10 days my company will effectively be shut down. 

Fuck the assholes who are forcing this. 

I live and I die on MY terms. Not yours. 

Tired

I look at the news on my phone, it's all covid, covid covid. 

I look at facebook, covid, covid, more covid. 

I stop at the supermarket. Scan codes, wear a mask, plexi sheilds at the counters. 

I go in to see a client, move past the counter setup just in the door and work out mask etiquette before repairing their equipment. 

Friends talking, it's all covid. 

We are being placed in a culture of abject fear. It's psychological warfare. Its been well over a year of it. 

My company is being decimated. Not that it was going all that well. 

I'm cracking under the pressure. Good thing I'm used to living like this. 

Will the terrors of being alive ever end?

Just want a hug

I woke up this morning and just wanted to hug someone. But of course there wasn't anyone. 

My eyes wanted to leak, I was so desperate for someone to be there. 

No one there for me of course. 

Felt down all day. 

Living alone.

I never wanted this. 

My mind

 My mind is everywhere at once. Some is dark, some is light. Some is sex. Some is the deepest sadness you ever knew. Fear, anxiety, strength

Tyranny

So many of the sheep still cannot see it. 

We are now in a tyranny

Participate in our medical experiment or face the consequences. You will lose your job, your freedom to enter most places will be limited. We will make sure the populace shuns you. 

Outcast. 

Show your papers or your freedom of movement will be stopped. 

2am

My waking life is bad enough. 

The nightmares are harsh again. 

2am. I am exhausted but I don't want the nightmares. 

But I must succumb.

Time to slip into the fetid depths of my mind. 

do you ever

Ever wake up in the morning  and wish you could just end it?

Here for my daughter.

My body is wrecked.

The endless physical pain. It won't go away.

My job is toast.

Running out of money and credit cards

Alone.

I keep holding on. 

But I don't want to.

4 directions of a mind

Bending my mind in different directions simultaneously. 

Talking to a woman whose going through an abortion, on her birthday. She's feeling alone. 

Talking to a woman who is afraid of government over reach

Talking to a woman who is alone and needs to feel sexy. 

Talking to a woman who overworked herself today, she's on the verge of vomiting from pushing too hard and needs to keep going tomorrow

Pushing my mind in 4 directions simultaneously. All while exhausted. 

Bed, sleep. I'm going to help a friend tomorrow with hard physical work. I'm going to pay for it the next day. But that's what we do. Such is the lot of a modern gentleman.

Tales of a Modern Gentleman

Tales of a Modern Gentleman.

She stood at a pair of dark gates, a huge fire burned behind them, she could feel the intense heat.

Fear etched across her face. The gates opened and a gentleman came forward.

“W-where am I?” she stammered. The gentleman smiled kindly. “These are the gates of hell,” he replied.

“But, I was a good person. How did I end up here?”

“Your partner, he put you here” he was smiling in such a kind way, it was so odd.

“He was so mean,” she said. “But I tried, I held on… tried to help him.”

“Yeah. You did well,” the gentleman said. Wrapping an arm around her. She felt a pleasant coolness coming off of him. “Don’t worry. I’ll let you in on a secret. One of the ways to heaven is to walk through hell. You are already most of the way there. This part you don’t have to do alone. You have experienced enough already. Come, I’ll walk with you. Stay close, you won’t get burned, not anymore.“

They walked in silence for a little, she was collecting her thoughts. She knew she should be frightened but the Gentleman was so calming. Eventually she turned to him “Who are you?” she said. He smiled, “I am a modern gentleman.” He looked a little sad for a moment. “There used to be more of us” he mused, “But our numbers grow smaller. I hope that one day though, through our words and our actions that there will be more”. She thought for a moment “are you created this way?” He looked at her. “To a few it comes naturally, for a lot it… comes from experience.” “and you?” she said, “was it natural?” “I don’t know,” he replied, “it may have happened that way, but my life meant it was not to be. I had to walk a lot of this path alone. I was joined by someone for a time, she was beautiful. But now we must walk apart, something neither of us wanted. Sometimes though, sometimes these things happen, you either let it turn you hard, or you use it and turn it into something better.” “like me,” she said. He smiled, “yes, like you.” “how did I come to find you?” she asked. “How come I have never seen your type?” “We are always here. But we aren’t so easy to find amongst the posers and the liars” he replied. They continued on for a while, “are you going to continue with me the whole way?” she eventually asked. “I don’t know, some only stay for a little, some for a long time, it depends on you, how confident you become walking through here.” “I don’t know if I could ever feel confident walking through this place.” She said. He took is arm from around her, “notice you can’t feel the heat anymore?” “I, I, you are right, I don’t, how come?” “Simple,” he smiled, “there was no heat, it’s an illusion, from your own expectations, but as you gain confidence that will happen, you will see hell is so often where you put yourself.” As they walked further she started to walk more apart from him. Gaining confidence as they walked more, the fires grew weaker. “I don’t think I need your help anymore she said eventually.” They stopped, he smiled with a tinge of sadness, “that’s awesome,” he said. “you look a little sad,” she said.  “It’s a bit of a lonely path sometimes,” he replied. “but I’m glad you are finding your way.” 

She stood at a pair of dark gates, a huge fire burned behind them, she could feel the intense heat.

Fear etched across her face. The gates opened and a gentleman came forward. He approached, turned towards the fire and drew his sword. He looked towards her, “Are you ready?”

Covid fears

 In the worst covid areas in New Zealand they are now going door to door and testing. If they come back positive then the people are taken to quarantine facilities. Failing to do any of that results in massive fines and possibly arrest. Escaping from those facilities ends up in prison time and more fines. 

There is talk of limiting the freedoms of those who don't get the "vaccine" It's not a vaccine though its an experimental gene therapy. 

People are scared. There's lots of talk about adverse reactions, the government was trying to stop it but now... there's so much flooding in its becoming a torrent of people. 

Besieged

 

I feel besieged by everything in the world at the moment. My lungs are damaged but I have to wear a mask. You can get exemptions but you are treated like dirt if you don't. I saw a video the other day of a guy who tried to get into a supermarket here with no mask on. He had an exemption Just hope he eventually got medical treatment from the police beating him up and slamming his head into the road. I have to wear one when I go in to see clients too. Everywhere you go it's vaccinate, vaccinate. Businesses here are starting to say we will not allow you entry unless you are vaccinated. There’s a division forming, those who vax vs those who don’t. This world is getting scary.

Pushed and pulled

I feel pushed and pulled by life and people at the moment.

Round and round. 

Look at this, look at me, help me, help me. research this, know that. Act this way, be that way.

I'm overloading. 

Aspie, limits to shit I can withstand. 

Tired. So. fucking. Tired

This cup is empty but I'm still being made to pour from it. 

Scared too. 

Stay here for my daughter. Focus on that. 

I don't want to be here. 

I miss a relationship

 

How do I explain it? I miss her, of course I do. But a year ago I… I accepted her death. Now it’s not so much how I miss her, I’m missing those things. Random car rides with a hand on her thigh, Waking up beside her in the morning, catching a perve when she climbs naked into bed. Someone who gives a fuck when I’m down. Someone to celebrate even the small wins. Encouragement for the hard shit you know. Those grins when you take her somewhere she loves, even if you aren’t a fan of it. I’ll say it, I miss the sex too. Getting her favourite food and watching her happily eat it, making her laugh at stupid shit. Time is going on, my body isn’t getting younger, will I hit the point where I my body will be able to have nothing but companionship? And even now, it’s been so long. The doubts, can I even manage a relationship? Sometimes I just don’t know anymore.

Drink

I want to drink, 

I want to be drunk. 

I want to be numb.

I want to slow my mind.

I want that clarity that comes. 

I want to play loud angry music and feel it inside me. 

Because that's the only way I can feel the rage and the hurt. 

But I won't

No more alcoholic.

I will sit here in my pool of misery. 

Leave me here in it's murky depths. 

To drown in my sadness. 

The metronome

Tick tock

Flip, flop

Tick tock

The metronome flips side to side. 

On one side I feel happy to be alone. 

On the other I want that relationship

Back and forward

Tick tock 

I have freedom

I want to care for another and have that care reciprocated.

Flip Flop

Peace at night in my bed. 

Someone to touch late at night when the nightmares come. 

Tick tock

Back and forward. 

Over and over

It never seems to stop. 

Freedom comes in different forms.

 Freedom looks different to different people. 

We have been in a lockdown for a couple of weeks. While some feel oppressed for me it was the opposite.

I got to simply be me no faking being normal at work. No worrying about can I do my job. No worrying will I have enough work to pay the bills (the government covered that) no trying to push through chronic fatigue. Bliss

Tomorrow that ends. Its time to go back to work. The anxiety is hitting a bit. Trying not to think. 

Sorry for existing

 My business is failing. 

I don't think I am capable of a relationship anymore so that's taking a rethink.

My health is shit and it's getting hard to work.

I try not to look at the future because every time I do it's damn scary.

Sometimes I want to apologize to the whole world for existing and go slink off into a corner.

Ramblings pt4

 

11:25pm. Should be in bed. Words flying around my head, trying to grasp them.

1 month and it will be 5 years since I watched her die. Yeah, I miss her. But, now I more miss having someone there. Share those moments, but at the same time, I’m becoming so used to being alone. Can I adapt to someone after so long? Does it matter? No one close enough to here who has any interest beyond friends.

Blink, blink goes the cursor.

Sometimes we sit there willing ourselves to move. Just, it’s not there you know? Argh, the frustration.

Heads muddled. Brain fog.

Men on singles pages with that any hole is a goal mentality, you stupid twats, flooding women so they don’t know what to do. Slow it down, look for the few that really interest you. Then meaningful dialogue can happen. Maybe I’m wrong though. I’m the one who’s long term single.

Laugh, it’s important. Helps the mind, I don’t laugh too much on Modern Gentleman, not the right place, I’m full of inappropriate humor though.

Sometimes I watch prank videos on youtube. Fact is though in real life I would hate it. She’s supposed to trust you.  Shouldn’t betray it.

Words aren’t flowing tonight. Time to head for the shower.

Good night all. Or good day depending on where you are.

 

Dont know what you got till its gone

 Don't know what you got till it's gone 

-Cinderella

You know, I knew what I had was good. Maybe I was a little complacent about it sometimes, but yeah, when it was gone I understood, it was then that I knew what I had and it was real. 4 years of looking for real again. I don't know if it's out there for me anymore. 

Wisdom from an old man. Don't get too complacent in your love. One day it won't be there anymore. All love stories are tragedies in the end. Make sure yours is a tale worth remembering.