Sick of humans.

Trolls on my page, trolls are asses with no reason to do so. 

Looking at my rich relatives on facebook. They all just got back from the cook islands. One of them got married over there so the whole lot went over. 

My friend worked so hard and aged 55 bought her dream property. She has a clear view 30kms to the ocean. The place in front of her sold. There are many places to build on that new section but the new people have decided to build up the ground and totally block her view. There is nothing she can do about it.

Humans are horrid creatures. 

Goals

My current goals:

Good enough health that I don't wonder if things will go terminal soon.

Enough money that I don't live worried about what I'm going to do when the next bill turns up.

And someone who I can wake up beside each morning.

Not looking very good at the moment. Guess some of us get dealt a shitty hand in life. 

It is what it is. 

Not willing to accept it though. 

I deserve better. 

depression

When you fight depression for a week and finally it wins. 

Don't fucking know anymore. All seems pointless. My page, spend half my life running it. Why? What's in it for me?

.

Fuck my life. It's shit. Still don't want to live. It's all a fucking Trainwreck that's gonna happen sometime soon. 

.

Fuck knows. 

Labels

 

Labels in this world are very useful, we identify food, plants, pretty much everything. The problem is sometimes there is no correct label. I fit no exact label. I guess the closest is Pleasure Dom (dominant). It’s shitty and ill fitting though.

I guess it’s part of why I am still single, I can’t easily place myself in any particular category.

You see, I refuse to inflict pain on a woman. It’s just not me. The whole ropes and restraints doesn’t do a lot either. But I need a sub (submissive) the right one, one who is willing to release her body and mind. You see, my fetish is in making a woman orgasm, not just one small orgasm, it’s pushing further and further for more and larger orgasms. Achieving this takes time, it’s not going to happen the first time. I can achieve some fantastic ones the first time but it takes learning and trying things to truly take her places. Sometimes the journey can be as much fun as the destination.

The most difficult part is treading a fine line, pushing her to her limits but holding back enough because if you go too far she passes out and that is not great on my part, sitting there frustrated after pleasuring her for hours. Unfortunately, this happens a lot because seeing her in a mess of orgasms makes me want to push her more and further. Hitting that balance is not easy when neither of you wants to hold back.

So, you say, what’s in it for me? There has to be pleasure beyond just pleasuring her. There is. In sexual terms, after she’s had her fill I can be completely selfish in what I want. I keep it varied but I can keep it about me and take as long or be as quick as I please.

Outside of sex, I’m still the strong person, but, not always. I love a woman who is kind and tender with a side of sass. Who will be gentle towards me. I guess a woman with slightly sub tendencies there too.

Me n her = Gentle

Me n her against the world = Badasses.

Don’t ever hurt her. I hate fights and arguments and I will walk away when possible. But I will be relentless when I have to be. I’m old and well-practiced.

wasted life

Crawled into bed for the afternoon. I can't afford it. Pretty fucked financially.

I'm too fucked up for this world. 

There's no help. 

I'm on my own.

Just people going awwww from a distance.

Friendzoned again

Got talking to a woman. Seems neat. Finally asked her after weeks of talking if we could meet. 

Got slammed so hard and fast into the Friendzone I think I got whiplash. 

1:17am

1:17am. Exhausted and alone. Need to sleep but there's no one beside me.  No company for the nightmares. 

I feel so alone right now. 

Can anyone love the autistic guy?

Or am I too flawed? 

And oddity in a world demanding flawless. 

Sleep is winning.Time to disappear into it's murky depths. 

I'm just me

 

I’m just a soul whose intentions are good.

-The animals

They say you should never meet your heroes because you will be disappointed. I had an admin of a page message me one day. We struck up a conversation and talked for a few months. She told me that first time she put it off because she felt intimidated. Talking to “the” Modern Gentleman. Maybe that’s my problem, the few women who talk to me have this elevated idea of who I am.

I’m different it’s true. My mind works differently. Aspergers they call it. Or High Functioning autistic, or autistic. Even the experts can’t agree on what the hell we are but seriously, I’m not anyone amazing. In fact I’m quite an awkward person. If you ever meet me I can tell you that I will be a mess, I will get things wrong but I will try, if you tell me what works and what doesn’t I can work towards it. I guess that’s one great thing about not fitting in with societal norms, I can change a number of aspects of my mind. Only a few things I can’t change, mainly things revolving around my hypersensitivity. I care though. I care deeply and I try.

I just hope that one day someone will see past my awkwardness, forgive me for my mistakes and gently guide me the right way (I have figured out a lot already). I have a lot to offer. To you out there, if you can and want to, come join me in my world. It’s a bit weird but it’s a good place. It has kindness, love and dad jokes. Oh, and Mr Barkington too.

 

Why?

 Seriously. Why?

The one thing. The one good thing that made all of this shit worth it. The one thing. That made my fucked up life good gets taken away. I search for 4 1/2 years. and I find someone. I find someone awesome. She's so damn neat. 

And I will never be with her. Placed tantalizingly close but just out of reach. 

Why? Why must I be tormented so? Is this some kind of hell I must endure?

Sorry

 Sometimes I think I should apologise to the world for existing.

unloveable

 

 

useless

Too stupid to get things right. Leave me to drown. It will be best for all of us.

Mhy must I be tormented. The thing I desire most. Tantalizingly close but just out of reach. 

Maybe hope tomorrow. Probably not. I see issues already. Why would she want me?

 I'm feeling out of place. Out of sorts. Out of me. 

It's... how do I explain it. 

I have a hunger, that cannot easily be quenched. I have a need for a deep emotional, personal connection with someone. Sex but, not fucking, no. A depth that comes from experiencing a prolonged period of connection until both collapse, exhausted and sated. 

I feel ridiculous for its need. Like my hormones are out of control. 

Lonely depressive

 So lonely, depressive episode hitting, can't talk to anyone though, I will sabotage. People wanting to talk, drains me more. 

I'm so tired. 

Can't drink to reset my mind either. 

Fucked raw by life, no lube. 

messed thoughts

no hugs for this dickhead. 

I am nothing but a loser masquerading as something else. 

Walk away from me, it's best you do. 

Or was I nothing more than a fantasy. Pass the time. 

They seem nice

 

Why would you want to love a shattered woman?

 

“Why would you want to love a shattered woman?” you may ask. Let me tell you.
You will get someone who appreciates love and kindness. She will not throw those back at you.
Randomly buying her flowers, cooking her favourite meal, doing the dishes, all those little things, she will love. If you keep going you will see her grow and bloom into a beautiful person. Slowly she will get her voice back. I love it when they do. Heaven help anyone who ever tries to silence them again. That’s the first part of their confidence. Then as the rest of her confidence returns, oh how awesome she is. Then one day someone will cross you. The fire that will come from her, that person will surely burn.
And the love, the passion. It’s like she’s had to repress it for so long. It comes back, oh it comes back. She will want to go further and deeper. She will want to find limits and boundaries if she knows she is in safe hands.

Let me give you a warning here dear reader. She may reach a point where she must spread her wings. She will never leave completely, not if you don’t want her to, but sometimes she needs her new found freedom. Let her go, let her fly. Cheer her on as she rises.
Maybe, just maybe, you will find one who stays.

 

mothers day

It's mother's day.

My wife is dead, my mother is dead. 

There is nothing to celebrate.

I miss having someone to dote on. 

cast aside

In their minds they want me. In reality I'm the autistic retard. 

Unwanted. Unloveable

Fuck, my, fucking, life

 I'm running a gauntlet of bearucrats who are trying to kill off my business that I have spent 20 years creating.

Because some asshole feels schools working together is wrong and they have to compete instead.

And now they are paying a nationwide chain to undercut me.

So I am losing my clients.

So I am busting my ass trying to keep my last clients happy doing impossible things.

Because I am too sick to go do a regular job.

In short I am very, very fucked and I see no way out.

So I bash my head against brick walls in a futile effort to last a little longer hoping beyond hope something goes right for once in my pathetic fucking miserable existence.

This years lesson, you give up everything for a job, in the end though, they will drop you for the big company who can do more for less. Loyalty is just a word.

Acts of kindness

 "Do you still have that wood up the back? I have run out and won't have the funds for more for a little. It was cold last night." 

"Sure, come around this afternoon and I'll cut it up."

I get home and pull out the chainsaw and sharpen it's teeth. She arrives and we head up the back. This body of mine is not doing well but it's getting mighty cold at night. She doesn't have a lot of money and she only has solar power, no other heating. A few pulls and the chainsaw bursts into life. I dropped that tree a year ago so I know the wood is dry. I work in bursts. Push until I'm having trouble. I stop and rest. Then do some more. My back is yelling a bit. It's going to be worse later. Can't stop for too long or my back will seize. I cut a couple weeks worth of wood for her, she's working to take it out to her vehicle. I have to stop, feeling faint, buzzing in my ears. Sit for a few minutes. Ok, one last go. I start the saw and finish it off, sweats getting in my eyes. This body is an ass. 

I finish off the area, we feel around the grass, she pulls out a few last pinecones and branches. She loads them up and heads off. I go in, take off my I'm fine mask and rest. I'm hurtin tonight. It was worth it. Feels good helping someone with no motive other than "because it's the right thing to do." Her and her daughter will not be cold tonight. 

The truth about relationships

 

“relationships are easy with the right person”

No, no, no. No relationship is easy.

I remember bringing Pollis wheelchair home. She was only capable of walking a few steps by then. She cried. Losing her ability to walk. Losing her independence like that. All I could do was reassure her, but I felt it. Fucking hurts seeing them go downhill like that. Would hurt more being the one losing it. In sickness and in health, I took an oath. Didn’t need it, I wasn’t going anywhere anyways. But that’s what you do in a relationship, a real relationship.

Relationships are worthwhile with the right person The good times will make the shit times worthwhile, and together there are times that will feel like your soul is being strangled. That’s the price. The good tempered with the bad. Knowing everything I know now I would do it again. All of it.

dancing

The dance of life.

.

They all dance just out of reach. Never quite coming close enough. So I stand, alone. Watching them come in, then moving away. 

Fallen angel

Sometimes I want to just be another fallen angel. Staying for my daughter. 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogVz-gMoncc&ab_channel=MassofMan

Hopes and dreams

 

Routines can be good too

 

Spontaneity is great but some routines are awesome too. I loved Friday nights. We had some favourite TV shows we would watch. That was our night. All work etc was put aside and we would sit together and watch our shows. I looked forward to our Friday and she did too, every single week. I feel a little lost on Fridays now.

All good things must come to an end I guess. Revel in the normal things, appreciate them too. You never know when that normal won’t happen anymore.

 

Words flying

 

Words flying around my head. Jumbled, I want to catch them, grab onto them turn them into something that makes sense.

Something in this world that has affected me. Has done for years. A name. Aisha Ibrahim Duhulow. An obscure name with a little known event. This girl was 13, a child, she was put in a hole and stoned to death in a stadium with 1,000 onlookers. Her crime was to be raped. She’s not the only one, so many more. There is so much wrong in this world.

So much greed, so much meanness. Why can’t we be kinder to each other? Why? Why this need to trample on others to better ourselves. Why the need to treat others as less?

I feel odd in this world, not normal, always felt out of place. Like an alien, I don’t belong here. Sometimes though I think it’s the wrong way around. I belong, it’s all the others who don’t.

Post tonight about sex, men putting their own pleasure first. Heard this so many times, I didn’t think it happened much, turns out it does, a lot. People thinking fucking a moist hole is all there is. So many walking around clueless as to the incredible journey of sex.

But I am the odd one.

25 years ago I ate the wrong piece of KFC chicken. Got poisoned. Wrecked my life. Never recovered the damage it did. Never thought about how I was putting my life in the hands of a greasy 16 year old kid who was under pressure and undercooked stuff. Just unlucky for me. Now I pay. Can’t prove a thing, everyone else carries on. Except me.

I’m tired. My soul is tired as well as my body.

Asshole around the corner, beats women, his partner left him, 2 weeks later he had another one. I haven’t even dated a woman in over a year.

Won’t stop being me though, I’ll be kind and lonely before I be an attached asshole.

Swirling thoughts. Words flying around in my head.

Aspie, with PTSD, too much shit happened at various times. No one knows it all, no one. I doubt anyone ever will. Some things are better locked away.

Still my thoughts fly in circles.

I stand, alone. Even in a sea of people. 

Goodnight Ronald

Well Ronald. Looks like your time has come. You have found a good place to go. Under the grape vine. It's getting cold. Night is falling. Good. It will help you ease off into your forever sleep. You are comfortable. No pain. I'm glad. Didn't want to take you to the vet. You get to go on your own terms. I don't know if you can hear me talk. But I will anyway, so you know I'm here. Not going to reach out. I want you to sleep. Make it easier. 

You never did take Pollis death well. You were her cat. Even though you sometimes sat with me watching tv. You charmed the nurses when polli had to have dressing changes climbing up on her before they started. Resting upside down. You knew you couldn't move while it was being done and you stayed there for 45 mins each time. 

Your breathing is a bit rapid. Occasional twitches. "It's ok Ronald" I'm telling him, "You can go".

My phone is going flat now. Needs charging. I have a blanket. I'll watch over Ronald a bit longer. 

last night's nightmare

Last night's nightmare was real weird. I'm in a shower not my own. I look down and my nut sack is melting off. I'm staring at it wondering what to do and hoping it's somehow just a layer while wondering how the hell I'm going to get home.

I don't get it

 I don't understand, the violent abusive asshole around the corner. His girlfriend left him finally. 2 weeks later he has someone new. 

Here I am, still very single. 

Weary

 I am weary.
Weary of this world with its meanness and brutality.
Weary of random violence towards others.
Weary of those who step on others to get ahead. 
Will humans ever learn?
Or will we be forced to endure this bullshit for all eternity?

Polli, her name was Polli

 

Polli. My late wife’s name was Polli. Her real name was Pauline, she hated it, said it felt like an ill-fitting hat. I am going to start calling her Polli instead of my wife. I am not married. I was, but no more. If I am to make room for someone else, then I need to do so. I am no longer married. I have no wife. It does not diminish those 16 years we had. I will go to my grave with nothing but the deepest of love for her. But space must be made if I wish for someone else.
I want to move forward.

There is some sadness in that. But I want to move forward. It’s time.

don't want to be strong.

hospitals and PTSD days

Had to get a CT scan at the hospital. Saw one of my wife's Drs on the way in. Was kind of ok until I left. Felt so down all day. Slept a bit. Managed pretty much nothing. Was exhausted. 

Wanted someone to talk to. To pick me up. Meh. I'm the healer. No one to heal me. 

Was asked to help others. Used my last bit of energy on them. 

Tired. It's too hot. Can't open window, party down the road. 

.

Don't want to carry on like this. 

It's just a job.

I spent 20 years working for a place. We did great things there. Helped a LOT of people, setup community initiatives. I made less than the going rate for my skills. It was ok. Worth it for the right job. We all made sacrifices to be there. Last year the person in charge retired. New person came, I saw the place change dramatically, a lot of people left. I held on. Took a reduction in my hours, I was there for the people I was helping. 

A couple of weeks ago I was dropped, as an independent contractor they were able to drop me without notice or reason, so they did. Today the new company, a nationwide chain took over and I had to hand the systems over. 

20 years, all that time, effort and sacrifice. I was sent off without even a thank you. 

A part of me is glad, it's turned into a toxic environment. But all that work. And now I have lost a massive chunk of my income and I am too sick to go hunting for more work right now. 

Out of respect for those who are stuck there still I will not be naming the place. 

But this sucks the big one. 

it's all gone

 

I’m sitting here realizing that everything I had accomplished 15 years ago is gone.

I thought I was set for life in my career, nope.

I thought my health while not great would still last me to retirement, nope.

I thought my marriage would last until I was elderly, nope.

I thought the house I was in at the time would be mine until I died, nope.

Still here though. Sick of being resilient. How about some good things happening.

 

 

It’s a bitter, sad, photo this one. I took it as I stepped out of the hospice after my wife died. I’m 47 years old. In all that time there has only ever been one woman who truly loved me with such depth. I’m not sure it will ever happen again. I have tried to love again. Trying to find that love again. It’s not easy. Yes, there have been attempts. The shit that goes through your mind when you try to pick up the pieces. People telling you how terrible you are for tying to find something again. I already felt it. First time I tried to have sex I almost puked from the guilt. Kept telling myself she was gone. It was ok. I don’t know anymore. Maybe I am too broken.

I’m kind of jealous, she’s free, free of pain, free of stress. She’s not up all night trying to figure out how to keep going as everything in your life gets more and more fucked up. I swear, this train is gonna wreck. There’s got to be a curve that I can’t take. Been close a few times.

If you ever find that right person hold on for all you have, do all that you know, try all that you don’t. Relish the moments. Not just the big things. Enjoy a picnic in a spring evening. Walk along a beach, have dinner in a shitty dive. Joke in the supermarket, pick up a cucumber and give her a look. Watch a movie at home. Join her in the shower. Perve as she climbs into bed. Take her to yard sales. Do it all, knowing that everything must end one day. Oh, and take photos. Because one day that’s all you will have left. 

fallen angel

life

My life is shit. I want to die. But I can't. 

Liked, not loved

 Liked by many. Intimately loved by none. Just an ideal. Nothing more.

Can I borrow you?

Can I borrow you for a few mins?

Sure.

I would take her into the bedroom, have her lay on the bed.

I would climb behind her, hold her close.

And for a little bit, the world was ok.

.

I miss this so much.

Not so brave

People tell me I'm brave and strong because my wife died. I'm going to dispute that. Circumstance happened to me and I held on. No bravery, because I was given no choice. I just read a piece written by a woman who pulled herself out of a violent relationship including some of the shit he did when she tried to get out and after she got out. That, that was bravery. 

I'm not a person with much hatred, but I wouldn't mind sitting down with a few assholes and having a few words. 

aspie

You won't understand, you can't understand. What it's like in our heads. It's so much I can't really explain it.

I listen to music, the silence, it's deafening. That high pitched whistle. Tinnitus. But there's the other things, a tap dripping, a pen clicks, a fan whirrs, oh how I hate fans. The music, it stops some of the sounds. 

The feel of things on my skin. Wool is the worst, it's like some sort of lava sandpaper. Denim, so unforgiving and rigid. It sits in hard pieces digging at me. 

Soft, gentle. Yes. 

My fingers. They need stimulation, they need to move, feel, touch. It helps my overloaded brain. Distraction. Slow it down.

My brain, oh my addled brain. It takes in so much. And it's all separate, my brain doesn't go car, my brain goes blue Toyota Camry with one headlight more translucent than the other. Then multiply that by all the cars. It's working hard to process everything, all the time. Too many things and it overloads. 

People. Ohhh, trying to talk. One person is ok. My mind will process, what is their face doing, are their hands moving. What are they saying, is there extra information I need to process because they used their hands, where do I look. Oh, facial expressions need to process those too. I need to reply soon. Keep it in your mind. Prepare an answer and have it ready so you sound normal. Is it going to sound acceptable? Must process all of it. I can keep up. Until there's another person and I have to double my efforts. 

I have to go out in all this and restrain myself. Look normal. Wear a kind of mask to fake being like you. It's so tiring keeping up the charade. 

But people know. They know, the mask slips sometimes. Some are mean. Different is bad. Aspie is an easy target. Feel power by being above another. Take down the easy one. Picked on for being not like you. How you revel in our discomfort. We hide, retreat. Then we get hated at work. Not a team player. First to get fired or looked over for promotion. 

Or we get pushed locking ourselves down more and more until we explode. Hopefully we make it home first. Older we get the more we can suppress it. 

We take drugs or drink alcohol. Oh we do so often. Our minds slow you see, we start to think clearly. Body's start to numb. Maybe even get close to your thinking. Nice to go there for a little. 

No, we don't long to be you. We want to be us. With our thoughts and feelings. Even if it's hard. 

And we want to be loved still. Oh to be loved. Sometimes they come and they love us. Beautiful souls. 

Tired

 I am so, damn, tired. Not just my health but that's a major part of it. Everything, everything feels like a battle, trying to work, trying to navigate humans, money, illness, being alone. I'm tired of doing nothing but battle. Please, let me rest. Let my soul rest, let my mind rest, let my body rest. 

Not going to happen though, is it?

Tired and alone

Somedays you feel it inside, you want to write the grandest of words, you want to create tears of  joy, speak of the deepest of sorrows, create the most carnal of lust. 

You stare at the keyboard. And all you see is "I'm tired and alone."

Fucked up life

Yesterday I was sitting in my yard cutting up weed to dry so I can have a measure of pain relief worried because one of the local gangs has been going through my back yard raiding properties of their weed and if Jack finds them they are likely to kill him, all while wondering how I'm going to be able to get enough energy to work because my credit cards are at $15,000 and climbing. 

And that's how fucked up my life is.

Pictures

 The more I happen upon pictures of my dead wife the more she looks like a stranger.

Why?

 Why in the fucking fuck of all that is fuck do I have all this shit happen? Come on? Can't I catch a break?

2 months of feeling like shit, pushing Drs over and over, finally get a scan to find that I need more scans to find the issue. More waiting while I can barely function. Months I expect because here you are nothing but a number, there for their convenience. 

My biggest client dumped me for another company, not surprised, new head honcho is a bitch. Hope it bites her in the ass. 

My best friend. The only close one I have is selling up and moving hours away. And today I find she has a new boyfriend. Fucking great. More alone. 

Fuck this life. Fuck this world. It's a lemon and I want my money back. 

Seriously. My life is a fucking piece of shit, all I do is get fucked the whole way through it. 

Ohhh looky, someone telling me my wife died because god needed her. Well then god is a fucking selfish  cunt! If you did god, then fuck you too!!!!

How's it going?

 Hey how's it going? 

Terrible, my health is failing, the depression is hitting me hard from the exhaustion. 

I'm sorry, hey, I have this problem with my computer.......

1am and friendzones

1am. I should be asleep.

Got planted firmly in the friendzone tonight. Pity, she seemed so nice. She did it kindly. I knew it was coming. Already worked out the logistics, it wasn't going to happen. I'm used to it, but, well. That teeny spark of hope. It gets that little more dimmer.