Here for my daughter.
My body is wrecked.
The endless physical pain. It won't go away.
My job is toast.
Running out of money and credit cards
Alone.
I keep holding on.
But I don't want to.
4 directions of a mind
Bending my mind in different directions simultaneously.
Talking to a woman whose going through an abortion, on her birthday. She's feeling alone.
Talking to a woman who is afraid of government over reach
Talking to a woman who is alone and needs to feel sexy.
Talking to a woman who overworked herself today, she's on the verge of vomiting from pushing too hard and needs to keep going tomorrow
Pushing my mind in 4 directions simultaneously. All while exhausted.
Bed, sleep. I'm going to help a friend tomorrow with hard physical work. I'm going to pay for it the next day. But that's what we do. Such is the lot of a modern gentleman.
Tales of a Modern Gentleman
Tales of a Modern Gentleman.
She stood at a pair of dark gates, a huge fire burned behind them, she could feel the intense heat.
Fear etched across her face. The gates opened and a gentleman came forward.
“W-where am I?” she stammered. The gentleman smiled kindly. “These are the gates of hell,” he replied.
“But, I was a good person. How did I end up here?”
“Your partner, he put you here” he was smiling in such a kind way, it was so odd.
“He was so mean,” she said. “But I tried, I held on… tried to help him.”
“Yeah. You did well,” the gentleman said. Wrapping an arm around her. She felt a pleasant coolness coming off of him. “Don’t worry. I’ll let you in on a secret. One of the ways to heaven is to walk through hell. You are already most of the way there. This part you don’t have to do alone. You have experienced enough already. Come, I’ll walk with you. Stay close, you won’t get burned, not anymore.“
They walked in silence for a little, she was collecting her thoughts. She knew she should be frightened but the Gentleman was so calming. Eventually she turned to him “Who are you?” she said. He smiled, “I am a modern gentleman.” He looked a little sad for a moment. “There used to be more of us” he mused, “But our numbers grow smaller. I hope that one day though, through our words and our actions that there will be more”. She thought for a moment “are you created this way?” He looked at her. “To a few it comes naturally, for a lot it… comes from experience.” “and you?” she said, “was it natural?” “I don’t know,” he replied, “it may have happened that way, but my life meant it was not to be. I had to walk a lot of this path alone. I was joined by someone for a time, she was beautiful. But now we must walk apart, something neither of us wanted. Sometimes though, sometimes these things happen, you either let it turn you hard, or you use it and turn it into something better.” “like me,” she said. He smiled, “yes, like you.” “how did I come to find you?” she asked. “How come I have never seen your type?” “We are always here. But we aren’t so easy to find amongst the posers and the liars” he replied. They continued on for a while, “are you going to continue with me the whole way?” she eventually asked. “I don’t know, some only stay for a little, some for a long time, it depends on you, how confident you become walking through here.” “I don’t know if I could ever feel confident walking through this place.” She said. He took is arm from around her, “notice you can’t feel the heat anymore?” “I, I, you are right, I don’t, how come?” “Simple,” he smiled, “there was no heat, it’s an illusion, from your own expectations, but as you gain confidence that will happen, you will see hell is so often where you put yourself.” As they walked further she started to walk more apart from him. Gaining confidence as they walked more, the fires grew weaker. “I don’t think I need your help anymore she said eventually.” They stopped, he smiled with a tinge of sadness, “that’s awesome,” he said. “you look a little sad,” she said. “It’s a bit of a lonely path sometimes,” he replied. “but I’m glad you are finding your way.”
She stood at a pair of dark gates, a huge fire burned behind them, she could feel the intense heat.
Fear etched across her face. The gates opened and a gentleman came forward. He approached, turned towards the fire and drew his sword. He looked towards her, “Are you ready?”
Covid fears
In the worst covid areas in New Zealand they are now going door to door and testing. If they come back positive then the people are taken to quarantine facilities. Failing to do any of that results in massive fines and possibly arrest. Escaping from those facilities ends up in prison time and more fines.
There is talk of limiting the freedoms of those who don't get the "vaccine" It's not a vaccine though its an experimental gene therapy.
People are scared. There's lots of talk about adverse reactions, the government was trying to stop it but now... there's so much flooding in its becoming a torrent of people.
Besieged
I feel besieged by everything in the world at the moment. My
lungs are damaged but I have to wear a mask. You can get exemptions but you are
treated like dirt if you don't. I saw a video the other day of a guy who tried to
get into a supermarket here with no mask on. He had an exemption Just hope he
eventually got medical treatment from the police beating him up and slamming
his head into the road. I have to wear one when I go in to see clients too. Everywhere
you go it's vaccinate, vaccinate. Businesses here are starting to say we will
not allow you entry unless you are vaccinated. There’s a division forming, those
who vax vs those who don’t. This world is getting scary.
Pushed and pulled
I feel pushed and pulled by life and people at the moment.
Round and round.
Look at this, look at me, help me, help me. research this, know that. Act this way, be that way.
I'm overloading.
Aspie, limits to shit I can withstand.
Tired. So. fucking. Tired
This cup is empty but I'm still being made to pour from it.
Scared too.
Stay here for my daughter. Focus on that.
I don't want to be here.
I miss a relationship
How do I explain it? I miss her, of course I do. But a year
ago I… I accepted her death. Now it’s not so much how I miss her, I’m missing
those things. Random car rides with a hand on her thigh, Waking up beside her
in the morning, catching a perve when she climbs naked into bed. Someone who
gives a fuck when I’m down. Someone to celebrate even the small wins. Encouragement
for the hard shit you know. Those grins when you take her somewhere she loves,
even if you aren’t a fan of it. I’ll say it, I miss the sex too. Getting her
favourite food and watching her happily eat it, making her laugh at stupid
shit. Time is going on, my body isn’t getting younger, will I hit the point
where I my body will be able to have nothing but companionship? And even now,
it’s been so long. The doubts, can I even manage a relationship? Sometimes I
just don’t know anymore.
Drink
I want to drink,
I want to be drunk.
I want to be numb.
I want to slow my mind.
I want that clarity that comes.
I want to play loud angry music and feel it inside me.
Because that's the only way I can feel the rage and the hurt.
But I won't
No more alcoholic.
I will sit here in my pool of misery.
Leave me here in it's murky depths.
To drown in my sadness.
The metronome
Tick tock
Flip, flop
Tick tock
The metronome flips side to side.
On one side I feel happy to be alone.
On the other I want that relationship
Back and forward
Tick tock
I have freedom
I want to care for another and have that care reciprocated.
Flip Flop
Peace at night in my bed.
Someone to touch late at night when the nightmares come.
Tick tock
Back and forward.
Over and over
It never seems to stop.
Freedom comes in different forms.
Freedom looks different to different people.
We have been in a lockdown for a couple of weeks. While some feel oppressed for me it was the opposite.
I got to simply be me no faking being normal at work. No worrying about can I do my job. No worrying will I have enough work to pay the bills (the government covered that) no trying to push through chronic fatigue. Bliss
Tomorrow that ends. Its time to go back to work. The anxiety is hitting a bit. Trying not to think.
Sorry for existing
My business is failing.
I don't think I am capable of a relationship anymore so that's taking a rethink.
My health is shit and it's getting hard to work.
I try not to look at the future because every time I do it's damn scary.
Sometimes I want to apologize to the whole world for existing and go slink off into a corner.
Ramblings pt4
11:25pm.
Should be in bed. Words flying around my head, trying to grasp them.
1 month and
it will be 5 years since I watched her die. Yeah, I miss her. But, now I more
miss having someone there. Share those moments, but at the same time, I’m becoming
so used to being alone. Can I adapt to someone after so long? Does it matter?
No one close enough to here who has any interest beyond friends.
Blink,
blink goes the cursor.
Sometimes
we sit there willing ourselves to move. Just, it’s not there you know? Argh,
the frustration.
Heads
muddled. Brain fog.
Men on
singles pages with that any hole is a goal mentality, you stupid twats,
flooding women so they don’t know what to do. Slow it down, look for the few
that really interest you. Then meaningful dialogue can happen. Maybe I’m wrong
though. I’m the one who’s long term single.
Laugh, it’s
important. Helps the mind, I don’t laugh too much on Modern Gentleman, not the
right place, I’m full of inappropriate humor though.
Sometimes I
watch prank videos on youtube. Fact is though in real life I would hate it. She’s
supposed to trust you. Shouldn’t betray
it.
Words aren’t
flowing tonight. Time to head for the shower.
Good night
all. Or good day depending on where you are.
Dont know what you got till its gone
Don't know what you got till it's gone
-Cinderella
You know, I knew what I had was good. Maybe I was a little complacent about it sometimes, but yeah, when it was gone I understood, it was then that I knew what I had and it was real. 4 years of looking for real again. I don't know if it's out there for me anymore.
Wisdom from an old man. Don't get too complacent in your love. One day it won't be there anymore. All love stories are tragedies in the end. Make sure yours is a tale worth remembering.
How many times
How many times will my mind make me lose my wife in my dreams?
Countless times and last night was one of them.
So lonely.
Tired
I'm tired. So, fucking tired. It permeates everything. Physically, emotionally. Just, so, tired.
No more.
Please?
Not much work on either. I'm going to need money real soon, money I don't have.
Sick of humans.
Trolls on my page, trolls are asses with no reason to do so.
Looking at my rich relatives on facebook. They all just got back from the cook islands. One of them got married over there so the whole lot went over.
My friend worked so hard and aged 55 bought her dream property. She has a clear view 30kms to the ocean. The place in front of her sold. There are many places to build on that new section but the new people have decided to build up the ground and totally block her view. There is nothing she can do about it.
Humans are horrid creatures.
Goals
My current goals:
Good enough health that I don't wonder if things will go terminal soon.
Enough money that I don't live worried about what I'm going to do when the next bill turns up.
And someone who I can wake up beside each morning.
Not looking very good at the moment. Guess some of us get dealt a shitty hand in life.
It is what it is.
Not willing to accept it though.
I deserve better.
depression
When you fight depression for a week and finally it wins.
Don't fucking know anymore. All seems pointless. My page, spend half my life running it. Why? What's in it for me?
.
Fuck my life. It's shit. Still don't want to live. It's all a fucking Trainwreck that's gonna happen sometime soon.
.
Fuck knows.
Labels
Labels in
this world are very useful, we identify food, plants, pretty much everything.
The problem is sometimes there is no correct label. I fit no exact label. I
guess the closest is Pleasure Dom (dominant). It’s shitty and ill fitting
though.
I guess it’s
part of why I am still single, I can’t easily place myself in any particular
category.
You see, I
refuse to inflict pain on a woman. It’s just not me. The whole ropes and
restraints doesn’t do a lot either. But I need a sub (submissive) the right
one, one who is willing to release her body and mind. You see, my fetish is in
making a woman orgasm, not just one small orgasm, it’s pushing further and
further for more and larger orgasms. Achieving this takes time, it’s not going
to happen the first time. I can achieve some fantastic ones the first time but
it takes learning and trying things to truly take her places. Sometimes the
journey can be as much fun as the destination.
The most
difficult part is treading a fine line, pushing her to her limits but holding
back enough because if you go too far she passes out and that is not great on
my part, sitting there frustrated after pleasuring her for hours. Unfortunately,
this happens a lot because seeing her in a mess of orgasms makes me want to
push her more and further. Hitting that balance is not easy when neither of you
wants to hold back.
So, you
say, what’s in it for me? There has to be pleasure beyond just pleasuring her. There
is. In sexual terms, after she’s had her fill I can be completely selfish in
what I want. I keep it varied but I can keep it about me and take as long or be
as quick as I please.
Outside of
sex, I’m still the strong person, but, not always. I love a woman who is kind
and tender with a side of sass. Who will be gentle towards me. I guess a woman
with slightly sub tendencies there too.
Me n her =
Gentle
Me n her
against the world = Badasses.
Don’t ever
hurt her. I hate fights and arguments and I will walk away when possible. But I
will be relentless when I have to be. I’m old and well-practiced.
wasted life
Crawled into bed for the afternoon. I can't afford it. Pretty fucked financially.
I'm too fucked up for this world.
There's no help.
I'm on my own.
Just people going awwww from a distance.
Friendzoned again
Got talking to a woman. Seems neat. Finally asked her after weeks of talking if we could meet.
Got slammed so hard and fast into the Friendzone I think I got whiplash.
1:17am
1:17am. Exhausted and alone. Need to sleep but there's no one beside me. No company for the nightmares.
I feel so alone right now.
Can anyone love the autistic guy?
Or am I too flawed?
And oddity in a world demanding flawless.
Sleep is winning.Time to disappear into it's murky depths.
I'm just me
I’m just a soul whose intentions are good.
-The animals
They say you should never meet your heroes because you will
be disappointed. I had an admin of a page message me one day. We struck up a
conversation and talked for a few months. She told me that first time she put
it off because she felt intimidated. Talking to “the” Modern Gentleman. Maybe that’s
my problem, the few women who talk to me have this elevated idea of who I am.
I’m different it’s true. My mind works differently.
Aspergers they call it. Or High Functioning autistic, or autistic. Even the
experts can’t agree on what the hell we are but seriously, I’m not anyone
amazing. In fact I’m quite an awkward person. If you ever meet me I can tell
you that I will be a mess, I will get things wrong but I will try, if you tell
me what works and what doesn’t I can work towards it. I guess that’s one great
thing about not fitting in with societal norms, I can change a number of aspects
of my mind. Only a few things I can’t change, mainly things revolving around my
hypersensitivity. I care though. I care deeply and I try.
I just hope that one day someone will see past my
awkwardness, forgive me for my mistakes and gently guide me the right way (I
have figured out a lot already). I have a lot to offer. To you out there, if
you can and want to, come join me in my world. It’s a bit weird but it’s a good
place. It has kindness, love and dad jokes. Oh, and Mr Barkington too.
Why?
Seriously. Why?
The one thing. The one good thing that made all of this shit worth it. The one thing. That made my fucked up life good gets taken away. I search for 4 1/2 years. and I find someone. I find someone awesome. She's so damn neat.
And I will never be with her. Placed tantalizingly close but just out of reach.
Why? Why must I be tormented so? Is this some kind of hell I must endure?
useless
Too stupid to get things right. Leave me to drown. It will be best for all of us.
Mhy must I be tormented. The thing I desire most. Tantalizingly close but just out of reach.
Maybe hope tomorrow. Probably not. I see issues already. Why would she want me?
I'm feeling out of place. Out of sorts. Out of me.
It's... how do I explain it.
I have a hunger, that cannot easily be quenched. I have a need for a deep emotional, personal connection with someone. Sex but, not fucking, no. A depth that comes from experiencing a prolonged period of connection until both collapse, exhausted and sated.
I feel ridiculous for its need. Like my hormones are out of control.
Lonely depressive
So lonely, depressive episode hitting, can't talk to anyone though, I will sabotage. People wanting to talk, drains me more.
I'm so tired.
Can't drink to reset my mind either.
Fucked raw by life, no lube.
messed thoughts
no hugs for this dickhead.
I am nothing but a loser masquerading as something else.
Walk away from me, it's best you do.
Or was I nothing more than a fantasy. Pass the time.
Why would you want to love a shattered woman?
“Why would you want to love a shattered woman?” you may ask.
Let me tell you.
You will get someone who appreciates love and kindness. She will not throw
those back at you.
Randomly buying her flowers, cooking her favourite meal, doing the dishes, all
those little things, she will love. If you keep going you will see her grow and
bloom into a beautiful person. Slowly she will get her voice back. I love it
when they do. Heaven help anyone who ever tries to silence them again. That’s the
first part of their confidence. Then as the rest of her confidence returns, oh
how awesome she is. Then one day someone will cross you. The fire that will
come from her, that person will surely burn.
And the love, the passion. It’s like she’s had to repress it for so long. It comes
back, oh it comes back. She will want to go further and deeper. She will want
to find limits and boundaries if she knows she is in safe hands.
Let me give you a warning here dear reader. She may reach a
point where she must spread her wings. She will never leave completely, not if
you don’t want her to, but sometimes she needs her new found freedom. Let her
go, let her fly. Cheer her on as she rises.
Maybe, just maybe, you will find one who stays.
mothers day
It's mother's day.
My wife is dead, my mother is dead. There is nothing to celebrate.
I miss having someone to dote on.
Fuck, my, fucking, life
I'm running a gauntlet of bearucrats who are trying to kill off my business that I have spent 20 years creating.
Because some asshole feels schools working together is wrong and they have to compete instead.
And now they are paying a nationwide chain to undercut me.
So I am losing my clients.
So I am busting my ass trying to keep my last clients happy doing impossible things.
Because I am too sick to go do a regular job.
In short I am very, very fucked and I see no way out.
So I bash my head against brick walls in a futile effort to last a little longer hoping beyond hope something goes right for once in my pathetic fucking miserable existence.
This years lesson, you give up everything for a job, in the end though, they will drop you for the big company who can do more for less. Loyalty is just a word.
Acts of kindness
"Do you still have that wood up the back? I have run out and won't have the funds for more for a little. It was cold last night."
"Sure, come around this afternoon and I'll cut it up."
I get home and pull out the chainsaw and sharpen it's teeth. She arrives and we head up the back. This body of mine is not doing well but it's getting mighty cold at night. She doesn't have a lot of money and she only has solar power, no other heating. A few pulls and the chainsaw bursts into life. I dropped that tree a year ago so I know the wood is dry. I work in bursts. Push until I'm having trouble. I stop and rest. Then do some more. My back is yelling a bit. It's going to be worse later. Can't stop for too long or my back will seize. I cut a couple weeks worth of wood for her, she's working to take it out to her vehicle. I have to stop, feeling faint, buzzing in my ears. Sit for a few minutes. Ok, one last go. I start the saw and finish it off, sweats getting in my eyes. This body is an ass.
I finish off the area, we feel around the grass, she pulls out a few last pinecones and branches. She loads them up and heads off. I go in, take off my I'm fine mask and rest. I'm hurtin tonight. It was worth it. Feels good helping someone with no motive other than "because it's the right thing to do." Her and her daughter will not be cold tonight.
The truth about relationships
“relationships are easy with the right person”
No, no, no. No relationship is easy.
I remember bringing Pollis wheelchair home. She was only
capable of walking a few steps by then. She cried. Losing her ability to walk. Losing
her independence like that. All I could do was reassure her, but I felt it.
Fucking hurts seeing them go downhill like that. Would hurt more being the one
losing it. In sickness and in health, I took an oath. Didn’t need it, I wasn’t
going anywhere anyways. But that’s what you do in a relationship, a real
relationship.
Relationships are worthwhile with the right person The good
times will make the shit times worthwhile, and together there are times that
will feel like your soul is being strangled. That’s the price. The good
tempered with the bad. Knowing everything I know now I would do it again. All
of it.
dancing
The dance of life.
.
They all dance just out of reach. Never quite coming close enough. So I stand, alone. Watching them come in, then moving away. Fallen angel
Sometimes I want to just be another fallen angel. Staying for my daughter.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogVz-gMoncc&ab_channel=MassofMan
Routines can be good too
Spontaneity is great but some routines are awesome too. I
loved Friday nights. We had some favourite TV shows we would watch. That was
our night. All work etc was put aside and we would sit together and watch our
shows. I looked forward to our Friday and she did too, every single week. I
feel a little lost on Fridays now.
All good things must come to an end I guess. Revel in the
normal things, appreciate them too. You never know when that normal won’t happen
anymore.
Words flying
Words flying around my head. Jumbled, I want to catch them,
grab onto them turn them into something that makes sense.
Something in this world that has affected me. Has done for
years. A name. Aisha Ibrahim Duhulow. An obscure name with a little known
event. This girl was 13, a child, she was put in a hole and stoned to death in
a stadium with 1,000 onlookers. Her crime was to be raped. She’s not the only
one, so many more. There is so much wrong in this world.
So much greed, so much meanness. Why can’t we be kinder to
each other? Why? Why this need to trample on others to better ourselves. Why
the need to treat others as less?
I feel odd in this world, not normal, always felt out of
place. Like an alien, I don’t belong here. Sometimes though I think it’s the wrong
way around. I belong, it’s all the others who don’t.
Post tonight about sex, men putting their own pleasure
first. Heard this so many times, I didn’t think it happened much, turns out it
does, a lot. People thinking fucking a moist hole is all there is. So many
walking around clueless as to the incredible journey of sex.
But I am the odd one.
25 years ago I ate the wrong piece of KFC chicken. Got poisoned.
Wrecked my life. Never recovered the damage it did. Never thought about how I was
putting my life in the hands of a greasy 16 year old kid who was under pressure
and undercooked stuff. Just unlucky for me. Now I pay. Can’t prove a thing,
everyone else carries on. Except me.
I’m tired. My soul is tired as well as my body.
Asshole around the corner, beats women, his partner left
him, 2 weeks later he had another one. I haven’t even dated a woman in over a
year.
Won’t stop being me though, I’ll be kind and lonely before I
be an attached asshole.
Swirling thoughts. Words flying around in my head.
Aspie, with PTSD, too much shit happened at various times. No
one knows it all, no one. I doubt anyone ever will. Some things are better
locked away.
Still my thoughts fly in circles.
I stand, alone. Even in a sea of people.
Goodnight Ronald
Well Ronald. Looks like your time has come. You have found a good place to go. Under the grape vine. It's getting cold. Night is falling. Good. It will help you ease off into your forever sleep. You are comfortable. No pain. I'm glad. Didn't want to take you to the vet. You get to go on your own terms. I don't know if you can hear me talk. But I will anyway, so you know I'm here. Not going to reach out. I want you to sleep. Make it easier.
You never did take Pollis death well. You were her cat. Even though you sometimes sat with me watching tv. You charmed the nurses when polli had to have dressing changes climbing up on her before they started. Resting upside down. You knew you couldn't move while it was being done and you stayed there for 45 mins each time.
Your breathing is a bit rapid. Occasional twitches. "It's ok Ronald" I'm telling him, "You can go".
My phone is going flat now. Needs charging. I have a blanket. I'll watch over Ronald a bit longer.
last night's nightmare
Last night's nightmare was real weird. I'm in a shower not my own. I look down and my nut sack is melting off. I'm staring at it wondering what to do and hoping it's somehow just a layer while wondering how the hell I'm going to get home.
I don't get it
I don't understand, the violent abusive asshole around the corner. His girlfriend left him finally. 2 weeks later he has someone new.
Here I am, still very single.
Weary
I am weary.
Weary of this world with its meanness and brutality.
Weary of random violence towards others.
Weary of those who step on others to get ahead.
Will humans ever learn?
Or will we be forced to endure this bullshit for all eternity?
Polli, her name was Polli
Polli. My late wife’s name was Polli. Her real name was
Pauline, she hated it, said it felt like an ill-fitting hat. I am going to
start calling her Polli instead of my wife. I am not married. I was, but no
more. If I am to make room for someone else, then I need to do so. I am no
longer married. I have no wife. It does not diminish those 16 years we had. I
will go to my grave with nothing but the deepest of love for her. But space
must be made if I wish for someone else.
I want to move forward.
There is some sadness in that. But I want to move forward.
It’s time.
hospitals and PTSD days
Had to get a CT scan at the hospital. Saw one of my wife's Drs on the way in. Was kind of ok until I left. Felt so down all day. Slept a bit. Managed pretty much nothing. Was exhausted.
Wanted someone to talk to. To pick me up. Meh. I'm the healer. No one to heal me.
Was asked to help others. Used my last bit of energy on them.
Tired. It's too hot. Can't open window, party down the road.
.
Don't want to carry on like this.
It's just a job.
I spent 20 years working for a place. We did great things there. Helped a LOT of people, setup community initiatives. I made less than the going rate for my skills. It was ok. Worth it for the right job. We all made sacrifices to be there. Last year the person in charge retired. New person came, I saw the place change dramatically, a lot of people left. I held on. Took a reduction in my hours, I was there for the people I was helping.
A couple of weeks ago I was dropped, as an independent contractor they were able to drop me without notice or reason, so they did. Today the new company, a nationwide chain took over and I had to hand the systems over.
20 years, all that time, effort and sacrifice. I was sent off without even a thank you.
A part of me is glad, it's turned into a toxic environment. But all that work. And now I have lost a massive chunk of my income and I am too sick to go hunting for more work right now.
Out of respect for those who are stuck there still I will not be naming the place.
But this sucks the big one.
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