When you have been falling apart for 3 days but there's no one you can tell it all too.
I don't want to do this anymore
I'm feeling done. So done.
Please. No more. I can't take it. What have I done to deserve this shit life of mine?
Why must I be thrown down. Stomped into the mud. Over and over until there's nothing left? You have broken me ok? I'm broken.
Just fucking kill me and be done with it.
More shit dreams.
4 hrs sleep again. Shit dreams.
Dreamed my wife wasn't dead. She was back with me. Then I realized that yes, she was dead, I watched her die, saw her in her coffin.
Watched her fall behind and drift off.
I feel so alone.
I hate my mind.
Very, very down
Spent a lot of last night awake. Worrying about my life. Mainly money and being alone.
When I did sleep off and on it was all low grade nightmares.
Woke up scared and alone, and down. Very, very down.
The arthritis in my foot hurts so badly today, each step is agony.
I don't want to do any of this anymore.
Sitting in the carpark outside my job trying to go in. Just trying to hold myself together.
Secrets
I have secrets. Secrets so deep I don't even tell them in here.
I wish I could tell them to someone.
Ginger.
My cat ginger when I was a kid had cancer.
Took him to the vet with my mom. Held him down as they injected him.
It was the right thing to do. He was in pain. Wasn't going to leave him to die alone at the vet either.
Universe is fucking cruel isn't it?
Took him to the vet with my mom. Held him down as they injected him.
It was the right thing to do. He was in pain. Wasn't going to leave him to die alone at the vet either.
Universe is fucking cruel isn't it?
Freedom?
If the universe pushed us into places we never wanted to go. Loved ones dying for example, and then it tries to push us reluctantly into something while claiming it will be alright this time. Is it ok to try and refuse? Will we be allowed to do so?
How much of our lives are really free will?
How much has already been decided for us? When was it decided? A billion years ago or last week?
Is it freedom or are we actually in a form of prison?
I'm sitting here on my bed with the dog in front of me. Did I choose to do that? Or was it already known
If someone kills themselves, was their death foretold? Or is that only afforded to the ones who die of other things.
They told me my wife had to die The universe said I needed to grow on my own. I never wanted that. When did they make that decision? A few days beforehand? Or was it a thousand years ago, maybe longer.
Again. How much freedom do we actually have?
Some call it the universe, some call it gods will, others use the word fate.
Are we free? Really free? Do people choose to be brave? Or successful?
Again, are we free?
Some of this I already said but.....
I was a virgin until I was 21. Women just weren't attracted to me. Very few are now too. I know many will think this crazy but until I was in my 20s I was convinced women hated sex. They only did it to shut the men up. Now I am in my mid 40s and I still have this niggling in the back of my mind that women still don't really like sex. I know that's wrong. Just can't shake it
I have not had very many girlfriends. I can count them on one hand.
20 years ago I met my future wife. She was a broken thing, living in a broken old cottage. She suffered such abuse as a child and then moved on to an abusive relationship. But underneath the timid broken woman. I saw intelligence, caring, kindness. And a spark of passion.
I remember the first time I visited her. I knocked on her door unannounced, she opened it, saw me, screamed and slammed the door in my face. She refused to let me in. Eventually she came outside to me. For about 5 minutes. then she shooed me away and told me not to come back for a week. She said many years later she was so worried about her appearance and the state of her house she nearly broke down.
I did return a week later. Then more and more often. Things happened very quickly, and circumstances pushed us to move in together after quite a short amount of time. I always treated her gently and with compassion. I got to watch her bloom into a confident passionate woman. I don't know if it was ego or what. But I loved seeing her become who she was. Who she should have been all along. She became this unstoppable force. No one or nothing got in her way. Heaven help them if they tried. I wound up living in her shadow and I was perfectly happy to be there.
In the 16 years we were together I never grew tired of going to bed with a woman and also waking up with one too. The niggle was always there. Why would a woman want me? It still persists today.
After 14 years, she found a lump in her breast. Things went downhill from there. So many medical mistakes. The cancer progressed very rapidly. 13 months after finding that lump I sat beside her as I watched her heart stop. She turned to me, took 2 breaths and died. 9:10am 21st of September. A moment burned into the core of my being. A stain on my soul.
Before she died she was unable to sleep in a bed. She had to spend her nights propped up on the sofa. I hated her not being there beside me at night. I missed her being there even more after she died. It was such a constant and a comfort in my life. No matter what the day bought that night there was a woman who wanted to spend the night next to me. That fact never, ever got old. I actually had trouble, even after all those years believing it. Yet there she was. Beside me.
Almost
She had been badly hurt. Her father molested her. When she finally came out and told them her father threatened to kill himself, they were more worried about her father than her. They turned on her, said she broke up the family. She was forced to leave. Fell in with a narcissist, convinced he was the only one who would ever love her she stayed for 30 years. She was finally able to leave her husband, but she had to walk away from her whole life, friends, children, all of it. He turned all of them against her.
A few years later, she was my neighbour. When my wife died she listened. Listened as I fell apart. Listened to my sorrow, my rage, my grief.
In turn I listened to her. Listened to her stories of hurt, betrayal and abuse.
I talked her into a date, and then another. The first time we had sex I remember the look that came over her as she approached orgasm, it was approaching fear. She simply said "what are you doing"? I realised that no one had ever done that to her. 53 years old and no man had taken the time to make it about her. (I remember another ex of mine, she once said there is sex and then there is masturbating into a a moist hole). I almost stopped, but she didn't ask me to stop so I gave her the orgasm and then stopped and held her tight. She was happy and shocked at the same time.
A short while later she stayed the night. I slipped out of bed first thing in the morning, made her a coffee and slipped back into the room. 53 years old, and it was the first time in her life someone had bought her coffee in bed. One morning I made her breakfast in bed. She said she hated it, no one had done that, ever, and she had no idea how to eat a meal in bed.
She said she loved spending time with me. I was the first person she could be herself with, she never had to feel like she was walking on eggshells, she could be grumpy, happy, whatever, and I was fine with it.
I was careful, I was the one to pick up on the fact that she unconsciously became agitated if a male stood between her and the door. I looked, studied as only an aspie can, and learned everything that made her uncomfortable and made sure it didn't happen.
Although I always drove the long way around the carpark at the supermarket. She was soooo adorable grumping about it until she realized I was doing it on purpose. Then she was even more adorable glaring at me.
.
My wife died from complications of cancer. And when she also got cancer my mind was screaming. But I kept it together. She knew I had reversed my wifes cancer and wanted to know everything I did. So I bought all the memories back. I told her and explained it to her. She followed it all, I am pleased to say that after 90 days Drs confirmed it was gone. But damn that was hard.
.
I messed up dear reader. I grabbed, and held on. I wanted her with me. Someone beside me in my bed at night. Someone to hold me when my demons came out to play and I fell apart.
She wasn't ready for that. She started pushing away. It hurt me. The more I wanted her close the more she pushed away. She ended it. I swore I would never make her feel trapped so I let her go. We are still best friends. But she isn't ready for anything as close as I need.
.
Bruised. Not broken. But close to breaking in our own ways.
A few years later, she was my neighbour. When my wife died she listened. Listened as I fell apart. Listened to my sorrow, my rage, my grief.
In turn I listened to her. Listened to her stories of hurt, betrayal and abuse.
I talked her into a date, and then another. The first time we had sex I remember the look that came over her as she approached orgasm, it was approaching fear. She simply said "what are you doing"? I realised that no one had ever done that to her. 53 years old and no man had taken the time to make it about her. (I remember another ex of mine, she once said there is sex and then there is masturbating into a a moist hole). I almost stopped, but she didn't ask me to stop so I gave her the orgasm and then stopped and held her tight. She was happy and shocked at the same time.
A short while later she stayed the night. I slipped out of bed first thing in the morning, made her a coffee and slipped back into the room. 53 years old, and it was the first time in her life someone had bought her coffee in bed. One morning I made her breakfast in bed. She said she hated it, no one had done that, ever, and she had no idea how to eat a meal in bed.
She said she loved spending time with me. I was the first person she could be herself with, she never had to feel like she was walking on eggshells, she could be grumpy, happy, whatever, and I was fine with it.
I was careful, I was the one to pick up on the fact that she unconsciously became agitated if a male stood between her and the door. I looked, studied as only an aspie can, and learned everything that made her uncomfortable and made sure it didn't happen.
Although I always drove the long way around the carpark at the supermarket. She was soooo adorable grumping about it until she realized I was doing it on purpose. Then she was even more adorable glaring at me.
.
My wife died from complications of cancer. And when she also got cancer my mind was screaming. But I kept it together. She knew I had reversed my wifes cancer and wanted to know everything I did. So I bought all the memories back. I told her and explained it to her. She followed it all, I am pleased to say that after 90 days Drs confirmed it was gone. But damn that was hard.
.
I messed up dear reader. I grabbed, and held on. I wanted her with me. Someone beside me in my bed at night. Someone to hold me when my demons came out to play and I fell apart.
She wasn't ready for that. She started pushing away. It hurt me. The more I wanted her close the more she pushed away. She ended it. I swore I would never make her feel trapped so I let her go. We are still best friends. But she isn't ready for anything as close as I need.
.
Bruised. Not broken. But close to breaking in our own ways.
That final letter.
I remember sitting beside my wife as they loaded her with fentanyl, unable to do anything but watch. The doctors had damaged her beyond saving. So I took her to the hospice. They offered an ambulance. I drove her there myself. They started pushing that shit in the moment she got there. At least she felt nothing.
Anyways I'm sitting there beside her. We both knew it was over. Felt I had to write her one last letter. Some of you have seen it. Life can really fuck you up sometimes. She was pretty much gone. I read it to her a couple of times, maybe she heard it, maybe she didn't.
To my dearest Polli, as I sit here upon the closing of your life I want to thank you.
Thank you for showing me I could be loved.
Thank you for showing me that I could love another
Thank you for showing me how to have so much compassion
Thank you for showing me how to be unflinching while facing massive adversity
Thank you for being there for me through the bad times and the good
Thank you for laughing with me.
Thank you for crying with me.
Thank you for putting up with and understanding my quirks
Thank you for showing me that I could love another
Thank you for showing me how to have so much compassion
Thank you for showing me how to be unflinching while facing massive adversity
Thank you for being there for me through the bad times and the good
Thank you for laughing with me.
Thank you for crying with me.
Thank you for putting up with and understanding my quirks
You have been there for me as I have been there for you. I wish that I could have kept you longer, but I now acknowledge that this is not to be. I am filled with the sorrow of your leaving but I am also glad this final struggle of yours is at an end. Its taken such a toll on your poor body. Your strength and determination is a true inspiration both to me and to so many others.
I only have 1 final request. I want you to give up. I want you to stop fighting before the pain becomes too great. I know this is not who you are but its time. I love you so much, I do not want to see you like this.
Polli, I give you permission to go.
Polli, I release you from your promises
Polli, I release you from your vows
I do this publicly, witnessed by all those who read this.
Polli, I release you from your promises
Polli, I release you from your vows
I do this publicly, witnessed by all those who read this.
I do not know where I go to next. I am broken too. My health, my business and part of my sanity lies in tatters. But I promise you, I will look after, protect and nurture our daughter to the absolute best of my ability. What I have done for you, I shall do for her.
Antother failed attempt
Tried to watch TV again. Watched weeds, was told it was a good comedy.
Woman who's husband died and how her world turned upside down and got really fucked up.
Hit home far too much. I almost cried. Gave up.
They took her too.
So, after my wife died I sat outside one night. I looked up at the moon and I said "Why? Why did you take her? Through all the hardships I have been through, everything that's happened she was the best thing. The best part." They broke me over and over but through it all I had her.
They answered me that night. They said "you have to grow. You could never do that in her shadow."
They forced me to change. A change I never wanted. I never asked for this.
They answered me that night. They said "you have to grow. You could never do that in her shadow."
They forced me to change. A change I never wanted. I never asked for this.
Stripped bare, they took everything away from us, they took our son, they took our home, my mother, they took my health, left me living every day in physical pain, thrown down over and over. They couldn't break me. Everything they threw at me. Nothing could stop me. I got up every damn time because she was always there, we had each others backs.
If she went down I picked her up too. Unstoppable as a pair. We took on the world. Often lost, but still unstoppable.
If she went down I picked her up too. Unstoppable as a pair. We took on the world. Often lost, but still unstoppable.
So they took her too.
A sentinel event.
CAR5757 experienced a sentinel event while awaiting surgery for debriding a tumor.
Just simple facts. Just a statistic. The doctors go home to their nice homes, to their nice families. A statistic happened at work today dear.
Not needing to worry that a wife, a mother and someone loved by many paid the ultimate price for their mistake. All those hopes and dreams of her and her little family blown to pieces.
Just a statistic. Nothing more.
My Father
"Dads got prostate cancer. He felt you needed to know". That's how my sister told me. We always said things straight to each other. Just another piece of harsh reality. This was 3 months after my wife died and after I found out about the tumor in my sisters brain.
They say it doesn't rain but it pours. They think they cut the cancer out but they never know do they. Give it a few more years and we will see.
That will be it. Almost my entire family wiped out.
Mother, Sister, Father, wife.
Way to go world. I already felt alone. Why not take those connections from me too.
Me n My daughter against the fucking world.
They say it doesn't rain but it pours. They think they cut the cancer out but they never know do they. Give it a few more years and we will see.
That will be it. Almost my entire family wiped out.
Mother, Sister, Father, wife.
Way to go world. I already felt alone. Why not take those connections from me too.
Me n My daughter against the fucking world.
My Mother
It was a Wednesday. It's funny how we remember stupid details like that. I was at work and my father calls and tells me to come to his office in town. I said I'll be free in a couple of hours, he goes "come NOW" I went there immediately, I pull up and start walking to his office, I see my sister rushing from the other direction, and I spot the police car. I knew, at that moment I knew. I looked at my sister and said mums dead.
It's amazing how our lives can be ripped apart in an instant. One moment its all flowing along being a normal day, next thing you know you are helping to pick your mothers coffin.
It's all so messed up isn't it?
It's amazing how our lives can be ripped apart in an instant. One moment its all flowing along being a normal day, next thing you know you are helping to pick your mothers coffin.
It's all so messed up isn't it?
My sister
At my wife's funeral my sister sat beside me. I noticed the walking sticks but I was a bit preoccupied at the time. She waited until later before letting me know she had a "mass" in her brain. She didn't want me to know before hand what she had been going through because I was already at my limits.
.
Shes tough, like the rest of my family. It's inoperable and will kill her at any moment but shes refusing to let it stop her. It's tough sometimes, she bought some baking to me recently (waffles) she apologised and said she had to tip them out of the container on the way because the tumor sometimes makes her spontaneously vomit. She has a fan in her handbag because her body often can't regulate her temperature anymore.
.
I'm being forced to watch as my sister slowly dies. There's nothing I can do.
.
Shes tough, like the rest of my family. It's inoperable and will kill her at any moment but shes refusing to let it stop her. It's tough sometimes, she bought some baking to me recently (waffles) she apologised and said she had to tip them out of the container on the way because the tumor sometimes makes her spontaneously vomit. She has a fan in her handbag because her body often can't regulate her temperature anymore.
.
I'm being forced to watch as my sister slowly dies. There's nothing I can do.
Bad day
Alone today.
Probably good. World came crashing down. overthinking, oversharing.
Head hurts. Ate, napped, drank. Now I want to both eat and puke.
Shit day. No one here to help. Want a hug. No one here for that. Hasn't been in a while.
Feeling very, very fucking alone. I don't want to be in this world anymore. It's mean and feels pretty damn pointless.
Probably good. World came crashing down. overthinking, oversharing.
Head hurts. Ate, napped, drank. Now I want to both eat and puke.
Shit day. No one here to help. Want a hug. No one here for that. Hasn't been in a while.
Feeling very, very fucking alone. I don't want to be in this world anymore. It's mean and feels pretty damn pointless.
818
I woke up recently with 818 firmly embedded in my mind. I went looking for the meaning. I hope this happens. I am ready to move forward. The past 3 years have not been kind.
Keep Seeing 818? Read this carefully…
The angel number 818 can symbolize the end of a significant chapter in your life.
The angel number 818 can symbolize the end of a significant chapter in your life.
Just as with angel number 808, this can be good news or bad news, depending on which part of your life is about to end.
But your angels want you to look at the good that will come out of this end. There’s a reason for everything, so learn to appreciate the reason why this has to happen.
This can be an area of your life that’s no longer making you happy, even if you keep trying to convince yourself that it still does.
Understand that any source of unhappiness or discontent affects the flow of positive energy in your life.
If you have to sever ties or get rid of things that are no longer healthy for you, know that new and better things will soon take their place. These things will help you get closer to your life ambitions and goals.
Whatever you have lost, you will soon regain. Whatever pain and hurt you’re feeling will be replaced with happiness and contentment.
Just trust in the process and know that your angels will not lead you astray. You have to go through these experiences and learn these lessons if you want to appreciate the good life that you will soon have.
The true and secret influence of Angel Number 818
With the angel number 818, just like with the angel number 18, you are encouraged to think about thoughts of richness, prosperity, and abundance.
With the angel number 818, just like with the angel number 18, you are encouraged to think about thoughts of richness, prosperity, and abundance.
What you think about is manifest very quickly, so make sure that your thoughts are made
of pure intentions.
of pure intentions.
Hurts
Having to watch while a woman gets sucked in by a narcissistic asshole. All I can do is hope she gets it soon and be there when it turns to crap. Not her fault. She's just looking for love in the wrong places. It's all she's known.
Hurts.
Had a friend telling me she opened up to someone who told her that all the bad stuff was her fault because she allowed it to happen. Yeah she said to me. I let my father climb on top because it was better than the beating that's so bad it breaks your skin.
Hurts too.
I want a nice long hug. No one here for that. Only the dog and he doesn't really like them. Not the same as a human anyways.
More hurt.
Today just hurts.
Anxiety attacks
One small group I work for causes constant drama always issues.
They are making demands. Had to tell them no. Anxiety attack has kicked in.
Need to go to work. Want to hide.
Always had anxiety but over the past few months it's got bad.
Used to have people who could keep it at bay. Think I'm addicted to hugging. Can't have that now.
Still don't want to be here anymore. Especially on days like this.
They are making demands. Had to tell them no. Anxiety attack has kicked in.
Need to go to work. Want to hide.
Always had anxiety but over the past few months it's got bad.
Used to have people who could keep it at bay. Think I'm addicted to hugging. Can't have that now.
Still don't want to be here anymore. Especially on days like this.
Just one.
Please universe. Can I have just one special person in my life? Someone to hug in the morning when I wake up?
Please?
Just make this world tolerable. Please?
Please?
Just make this world tolerable. Please?
My last physical friend.
I have friends on facebook. But I only had one close physical friend. I don't get to see her much. Technically you could call her an ex girlfriend. It didn't work out so we just stayed as friends. It hurts a bit sometimes. But at least she talks to me.
I love it when we get together. I would sit down and she would lean up against me. Sometimes she would drift off to sleep laying against me and I would put my arm around her. It made the world bearable for a few hours.
It's changing. She's changing. She has a new dog. She talks to me a lot less now. She passed through town in her camper twice in 2 weeks and spent the night in town. I visited her when she was here. She never sat with me, she stayed at the other end of her camper, at the table. The one time I touched her (I briefly put my hand on her back) she said she was no longer used to touch and was quite glad about it. She said she no longer craved that contact from people and it made life easier.
I have trouble being around groups of people. I am autistic (Aspergers) and my mind cannot process so many people at once, its overloading. I hate going out. Everything is loud and too full of everything.
I have no hobbies. I used to play video games but they now bore me. Did some art, over it, did writing, over that too apart from screaming at my blog. I can't watch TV anymore. It makes me sad because that's what I did with my wife. Now I just get drunk and scroll facebook at night.
I don't want to live like this.
I love it when we get together. I would sit down and she would lean up against me. Sometimes she would drift off to sleep laying against me and I would put my arm around her. It made the world bearable for a few hours.
It's changing. She's changing. She has a new dog. She talks to me a lot less now. She passed through town in her camper twice in 2 weeks and spent the night in town. I visited her when she was here. She never sat with me, she stayed at the other end of her camper, at the table. The one time I touched her (I briefly put my hand on her back) she said she was no longer used to touch and was quite glad about it. She said she no longer craved that contact from people and it made life easier.
I have trouble being around groups of people. I am autistic (Aspergers) and my mind cannot process so many people at once, its overloading. I hate going out. Everything is loud and too full of everything.
I have no hobbies. I used to play video games but they now bore me. Did some art, over it, did writing, over that too apart from screaming at my blog. I can't watch TV anymore. It makes me sad because that's what I did with my wife. Now I just get drunk and scroll facebook at night.
I don't want to live like this.
living with myself
They say you need to learn to live with yourself. You need to learn to love yourself. Then you can love others.
What if I don't want to? What if an integral part of me is to love another and be loved by another?
Why is that so bad? I don't want to be alone. I want to wake up next to a woman and give her a morning hug. I want to go to bed at night and hug her before I turn out the light and go to sleep.
Why? Why is that so bad?
What if I don't want to? What if an integral part of me is to love another and be loved by another?
Why is that so bad? I don't want to be alone. I want to wake up next to a woman and give her a morning hug. I want to go to bed at night and hug her before I turn out the light and go to sleep.
Why? Why is that so bad?
Goals
It's difficult to have goals when your ambition right now is to die.
A pathetic little blip in history. Nothing more than a side note on some geneologists database.
Please universe. Either bring some happiness to my pathetic life or kill me.
Don't leave me in this middle. Alive but not living.
Tired
My soul is weary, my heart hurts and I have so little purpose.
Please. Let me go. I don't want to be here anymore.
Strength from odd places
I used to think I was weak. So many battles so many terrible things. The depression cuts me so deep so much of the time. Recently my family got screwed over. My sister was so upset. I said to her do you want me to cause havoc? I can. Done it so many times I know how to do it. At first she said no. A week later she said do it. I said, last chance. I can do it. She said go for it.
I turned the city against those people, they were abused in the street, they were pushed and shoved.
In the end my family was so sorry for them they called me off. I don't think they realised how much havoc I could cause. I stopped, although I set enough in motion that a short time later the main person involved lost her managerial job and is now a waitress.
.
You might be tired, you might be down. You might be having trouble getting up. But you could be surprised, once you get burned enough the fire has trouble hurting. Drink enough poison and you become immune to it.
.
Now, if I could just crawl out of my hole and stay out. One step at a time.
I turned the city against those people, they were abused in the street, they were pushed and shoved.
In the end my family was so sorry for them they called me off. I don't think they realised how much havoc I could cause. I stopped, although I set enough in motion that a short time later the main person involved lost her managerial job and is now a waitress.
.
You might be tired, you might be down. You might be having trouble getting up. But you could be surprised, once you get burned enough the fire has trouble hurting. Drink enough poison and you become immune to it.
.
Now, if I could just crawl out of my hole and stay out. One step at a time.
Done
Me: Please universe. Please, it's too much. Please, I just want some kindness.
Universe: buckle up bitch, I got plenty more shit to throw at you. You might be wishing you are dead, wait till you are down on your knees begging me to end it. And then I'll find new ways to torment you.
Free will
How much of our lives are free will and how much is external forces manipulating until they get their way?
Madness
I have lost a bit of my sanity along the way.
It doesn't bother me that much. I think I could do with losing a bit more. I'm liking crazy people more than I used too.
It doesn't bother me that much. I think I could do with losing a bit more. I'm liking crazy people more than I used too.
Am I wrong?
I was so careful. I checked, double checked. Over and over I checked.
But maybe I was wrong. Could I have been duped by a master at manipulation? Is she that good?
Is she still doing it? Is she finished with me? Is it manipulation?
If its not then that's scary too.
I don't know. And I cannot talk to anyone about it.
But maybe I was wrong. Could I have been duped by a master at manipulation? Is she that good?
Is she still doing it? Is she finished with me? Is it manipulation?
If its not then that's scary too.
I don't know. And I cannot talk to anyone about it.
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